Baby On Your Six

2 Years

2008-06-03T13:19:00.000-04:00

Two-years ago on May 31st, the world I knew was destroyed. I say this not in a depressing way, but more in a look how far we have come way. Two years ago, our baby boy went to heaven. We were crushed. Josh and I as well as our families. For someone so sweet and innocent to die was beyond our comprehension. I have been writing this entry in my head for 4 days now, but I wanted to get some of it down on paper. To have something go that wrong in your life is truly a life changing experiment. We started counseling right away and were told that we would need to work on finding the "new" us. I am really not sure what that means, but I know we have found it - or at least that we have found some of it.

I have changed in the last two years and I know Josh has as well. We have done all that we can think to do to remember Aaron. We have met some amazing people and gotten close to them that have also lost a baby. We have in two years had two very successful March for Babies teams and in doing so we have raised over $10,000 (in two years) for the March of Dimes. We have volunteered for the March of Dimes and have met some amazing people through that effort as well. We have had 2 very successful Christmas Toy Drives that have made HUNDREDS of sick children very happy. We have become closer to each other and closer with our family and friends. We are better people because of this.

It still hurts...daily. That hurt will always be there, just less. I am starting to be able to think of happier times and remember them. But I am proud of what we have done. Of course, I would rather have a two-year old running around and driving me crazy, but I am beyond proud to be Aaron's mom...in whatever capacity I have to do it in and I know my little boy is smiling down on all of us :-)

I love you Aaron, and I miss you beyond what words can express. I will never stop being a mom to you and you will always be baby. I hope that we can continue remembering you in whatever way we possibly can. I hope when you see all of the things that we are doing you smile and say 'That's my family, my friends, and MY Mommy and Daddy'. We love you more than there are stars in the sky. XOXO, Mommy

Happy Birthday Aaron!

2008-04-29T12:21:00.002-04:00

Dear Aaron,

Happy Birthday, peanut! 2 years...Wow! Last year on your birthday I spent a lot of time remembering what happened the year you were born. This year I spent a lot of time thinking about what would have been. What it would be like to have a 2 year old running around. What it would have been like to throw a second birthday party. My guess would be that at this age you'd be into trains, trucks, airplanes etc. On Saturday we had a party for our March for Babies team. Daddy and I and the kids let balloons go for you and yelled, "Happy Birthday Aaron!" We were at the church and right by the memorial garden. We had a very nice party. On Sunday we did the March for Babies and we proudly wore our A-Team T-shirts. We did SO well this year. We raised over $6,300!!! All in memory of you! It made mommy and daddy so proud that we were able to do that. We were just thrilled. Yesterday, Daddy and I took off...we went to lunch with Grandma Pam, Grandpa Keith and Uncle Dan. It was nice. Daddy and I were just able to spend the day together, but I know a lot of people were thinking about you. I hope that you had a wonderful birthday in heaven and I know you were watching us and smiling this weekend.

I love you Aaron! Forever and ever!

Millions of Birthday Hugs and kisses,
Mommy

The Holidays

2007-12-10T07:02:00.000-05:00

It's incredibly easy to get down during this time of the year, feeling like something (someone) is missing, and that the holidays are just a charade without it (them). However, I've decided to try and remain focused on the good things that have come out of losing Aaron - namely, our now 2nd annual toy drive (which is shaping up to be significantly larger than last years', our March of Dimes walk team which raised over $4,000 last year (and is aiming even higher this year), and the ongoing Aaron's Angels project (preemie-sized knit caps which are distributed to various NICUs).

Aaron may not have been around long, but he sure left a big mark, huh?

Finally, DrummerWife and I had the chance to meet David Fleming, the author of Noah's Rainbow, over the weekend at a book signing in Harrisburg. He was there to sign and promote his new book, titled Breaker Boys, about the Pottsville Maroons. We asked David to sign a copy of his new book, and asked if he wouldn't mind signing Noah's Rainbow as well. He couldn't have been nicer, and kindly obliged us. We took the opportunity to tell him how much Noah's Rainbow meant to us, and how much it had helped us, and others we'd told about the book.

He signed the book "We both know that hope prevails." And it does - as hard as it may be to see sometimes, I think that all the charitable activities that DrummerWife and I have become involved in are evidence of that.

It's that time of year again...

2007-11-14T07:15:00.000-05:00

Hi folks. Long time, no post. Sorry about that.

Anyway - DrummerWife and I would like to announce that we are going to be doing our little toy drive again this year, in Aaron's honor. We've contacted the Hershey Medical Center, and received a list of items they can accept for the children's ward. Without further ado, here's their wish list:

Holiday Wish List 2007
Penn State Children’s Hospital
Child Life Program

All Ages

Pre-Paid Phone Cards-60 minutes
$5-$10 Gift certificates - Old Navy, Best Buy, Circuit City, Toys R Us, Dick’s Sporting Goods, i Tunes, Target, Blockbuster, Bath & Body Works
New release DVD - G, PG, PG-13
New release CD’s - Lullabies, Disney, Teen
New release PS 2, X-box 360, Game Cube games - rated E only
8-Pack crayons (can not accept 24 or 64 count boxes)
8-Pack Classic Crayola Washable Markers-Broad tipped
Blank CD-RW’s
Children’s Cartoon Band-aids
Model Magic-individual packets-all colors
Color Wonder Activity Pad and Marker Set (no finger paint)
Perler Beads (Individual Kits)

Infants and Toddlers

Rattles, Teethers, Baby Einstein products

Preschoolers

Thin coloring books
Stickers
"Thomas the Tank Engine" trains
Play-Doh (Play-Doh brand only)
Play-Doh Easy to Do Sets
Play-Doh accessories

School Age

Small Lego kits
Sports clothing
Craft kits
Fuzzy posters
Barbies
24 piece puzzles

Teenagers

Body lotions
Body wash
Nail polish
Word searches
Lip gloss
Jewelry
Festive socks
Sports clothing
Latch hooks

Unable to Accept

stuffed animals
matchbox cars
books
VHS tapes
Decks of cards
Board games

We'll be collecting the items at our house, and transporting them to the hospital ourselves, as we did last year. If you need to contact us with any questions or concerns, you most likely know how to do so. If you don't, email aky.toydrive@gmail.com for more information.

Last year, the toy drive was a huge success, not only in terms of collecting items for kids who have to live in the children's ward of the hospital, but also in terms of including Aaron in the holiday. Please help us collect toys again this year, to remember Aaron, and also to do something wonderful for kids who don't get to have a holiday like we do.

Life...it's always interesting

2007-10-26T11:41:00.000-04:00

Last night was a scary for my family. My sister called my mom last evening and said the house 3 homes down from them was on fire and something exploded. The fire was large and because they are in attached townhomes they did not know if it was going to spread to their house. She told my mom to call people and ask them to pray...we immediately began calling family and I had Josh call his parents to put it on their prayer chain. The story is long and complicated, there were two deaths, however they found that the children that lived their initially thought to be dead were safe. It is all under investigation. However, my sister and brother-in-law (and my puppy niece Daisey) are all safe. They were lucky enough to even be cleared to re-enter and sleep in their house tonight. There were 3 other families who sustained damage and had to stay elsewhere. It was a crazy night.

I talked to my sister this morning for about 30 minutes and I could still tell she was a little shaken up. We just chatted. I think she told me 3 times or more that she loved me. They said if it had not rained the day before and that day all the houses probably would have burned. It seems to me even in the middle of this tradgedy God was somewhere in the midst of it...not trying to be "preachy" just saying how thankful I am for the way things turned out. It also makes me realize that things things happen in the news all the time, but we are used to it...it's the norm. But when it's happening to people you know and love it is so real and is once again a reminder of how fragile life can be.

Letter to Aaron - October 3

2007-10-03T14:39:00.000-04:00

Dear Aaron,

Hi sweet pea! We are back from Disney and we had a WONDERFUL time. We were a little worried (along with others) about how it would be seeing all the kids etc, but it didn't really bother daddy and I. It was so nice to be away and be doing such fun things! One night while we were there I was lucky enough to have a dream about you and daddy and I being in Disney together. We were having so much fun. Riding rides, watching shows, hearing you giggle, even hearing you cry a little...it was very nice to have that dream. We even took you to meet Mickey. I wish we could have done it for real, but for the time being I will take the dream. Thanks for meeting me there.

Now today, the Phillies start their playoff series with their first game. I have no doubt that daddy would have had me dress you in Phillies gear today. How I would love to see you watch the game with daddy...napping on his lap or just to watch you play in the living room while daddy watched the game. That sure would be adorable. I can remember you being in the NICU and daddy telling you all about the Phillies...so I bet you are a Phillies fan and you'll be cheering them on from heaven. I miss you peanut and I love you!

Hugs, kisses, tickels and giggles,
Mommy

Letter to Aaron - September 19

2007-09-19T15:10:00.000-04:00

Dear Aaron,

Hi baby boy! It's been about a month since I last wrote here, but things have mainly been the same. Not too much new to report. Daddy and I are getting ready to go on vacation. This is our first planned vacation since you were born (we did have an unplanned vacation last year to the beach right after your memorial service, but that was because Grandma, Grandpa, Aunt Jess and Uncle Dan already had a beach house reserved). This time we have been planning for quite some time and we are going to Disney. This trip has been a long time in the making. Grammy and PopPop wanted to take daddy and I for a while, then I got pregnant so we kind of put the trip on hold. Then we started planning for you to go with us. Now, it's back to just us going again. My how plans change. I am really looking forward to going...I have never been there, but today I can't stop thinking what it would be like to take you there. I know some people are worried because there are going to be kids everywhere, but I am okay with that...heck, it's Disney, of course there are kids everywhere. At times like this sometime I am glad to see other kids, because I can find one that would be about your age and see what they are doing and at least know what you might be doing. Like I said, I am very glad for vacation, but just wishing right now that it was going to be with you.

So, there is a bit of good timing, because right after we get back we will be participating in the "Walk to Remember" for the second year. It's weird that things are repeating now. We really liked the event last year. It was a great way to remember you and all the other babies that have left us way too soon.

Yesterday I did an interview with the March of Dimes on a local radio station and got to once again tell your story. I always love telling people about you, peanut. I like people to know how much you meant to all of us and the things that we do to continue to remember you.

I love you baby boy! I know I'll be thinking about you tons (more than usual) while we're on vacation. Maybe we can do Disney together in my dreams.

Lots of love, hugs and kisses!
Mommy

I've posted about my favorite author before...

2007-09-17T08:38:00.001-04:00

Robert Jordan, author of the long-running Wheel of Time fantasy series passed away yesterday, due to complications from cardioid amyloidosis. His real name is James Rigney, and in addition to being the author of the WoT series, he was a civil war historical writer, a graduate of the Citadel (with a degree in Physics), and served honorably in the Army during two tours in Vietnam, receiving the Distinguished Flying Cross with bronze oak leaf cluster, the Bronze Star with "V" and bronze oak leaf cluster, and two Vietnamese Gallantry Crosses with palm medals.

Some of you may remember that last year, after I commented at his blog (which was set up so that Mr. Rigney could correspond with his fans and used heavily to keep fans up-to-date regarding his illness) that I was happy to see he was still healthy and fighting after I had lost touch during Aaron's brief time with us and the immediate aftermath of his loss, Mr. Rigney briefly responded to me personally in one of his postings.

It was a very cool moment for me, because my favorite author was not only aware of my existence, but because he took the time to familiarize himself with my story, wish me God's blessing, and he did so during a time when he was fighting a life-threatening illness.

Well, that illness eventually proved to be too much for even a man with Mr. Rigney's distinctions to overcome. I know I'm not alone in grieving his loss, as thousands upon thousands of fans worldwide found the news just as shocking as I did. He leaves the WoT series unfinished, at 11 books (the 12th would have been the end) and rumors are out there that extensive notes were dictated by Mr. Rigney during his treatment, and that someone else may be finishing the series for him. If this is the case, it will be a bittersweet finale to be sure.

Goodbye, Mr. Rigney. Do me a favor, and tell Aaron how things would have wrapped up in book 12. :)

9/11 and Parenthood

2007-09-11T08:36:00.000-04:00

With today being well, what today is, I can't help but think of the parents who have to explain the events that occurred 6 years ago today to children who are just becoming old enough to understand all the remembrances that will be going on today; much less parents who had to explain the events of 9/11 to children as they were occurring live on TV and in the days following.

I remember commenting to DrummerWife when she was pregnant with Aaron that I didn't look forward to the day when I had to explain terrorism to my child when they were old enough to understand. Unfortunately, I won't have the opportunity until a second DrummerChild comes into the picture, but the fact remains that there are parents out there who have to come to grips with sitting a child down and explaining that there are people out there who want to hurt and kill people like their mommy and daddy, and their friends mommy's and daddy's, and THEM, just because of who they are, and how they live. How do you do that without absolutely destroying whatever sort of innocence your child might be able to maintain in this world we live in?

And now rumors are coming out of Al-Qaeda attacks targeted at American elementary and middle schools - how could you EVER prepare a child that young for that kind of reality?

Long spans of OK-ness in between short bursts of sadness...

2007-09-05T07:03:00.000-04:00

So, I was driving home yesterday afternoon, minding my own business, and flipping through radio stations. I came upon the Cure song "Pictures of You", and the first verse set me thinking about Aaron:

I've been looking so long at these pictures of you
That I almost believe that they're real
I've been living so long with my pictures of you
That I almost believe that the pictures are
All I can feel

Then, I flipped stations, and was lucky enough to catch the very beginning of the Beatles' "Let It Be". The two combined just put me into a very reflective, slightly depressed mood.

Then, last night, right before bed, at the end of iCaught (this "Internet fad" news show on ABC) they showed a montage of people's videos and photos summing up their "week in 3 words." One of the videos they showed was just a guy fighting back tears, the pain obvious on his face, and held a sheet of paper that read simply "we just miscarried."

Throwing that onto the heap, and I was pretty much done for. I guess I was overdue for a good cry (the last one I had being largely alcohol-fueled), because I feel somewhat better today.

Here's hoping.

Happy Anniversary to Us!

2007-08-21T13:01:00.000-04:00

Today is our 3rd Anniversary. 3 years ago I married the love of my life it was SUCH a wonderful day. I would have never believed that in 3 years we would have had the life experiences that we have had. We have lived in 3 places (each one getting progressively better than the next). Our first apartment was so charming...put it this way...if I ever think a house is charming again I am running the other way. Our second place we moved into because I was pregnant and there was no way we could have a baby in the "charming" first apartment. We moved into a condo to prepare for Aaron...only to welcome him into the world about 12 days later. We welcomed the most beautiful baby boy into the world and I watched as my husband instantly became a daddy when he heard Aaron's first cry. When I originally found out our due date (August 4th) we talked about how we would be spending out second wedding anniversary at home with the baby. While we did have a pretty low key day last year it wasn't quite as planned. Now here we are our 3rd year we have handeled everything that has come our way. People often say to us, "You two have been through more in your marriage then some go through in a lifetime". It's probably true, but one thing I know is that there is nobody else I would have wanted go through it with.

Letter to Aaron - August 13, 2007

2007-08-13T15:50:00.000-04:00

Dear Aaron,

Hi baby boy! It's been just about a month and what a month it has been. I have been coordinating an office move and it has been crazy! I've been thinking about you a lot today (well I think about you a lot every day, but today even more that normal) so I thought I would write you a letter. Sunday we were at church and someone gave even more baby hats to us for "Aaron's Angels". This is something your cousin Tracey started. People knit preemie hats and turn them into us and we send them to various hospitals with a letter saying that we do this in memory of you. I am still learning how to knit and will probably be learning how to finish the hats sometime this week! We have sent out a batch to Bryn Mawr hospital and another one to a hospital in Erie because Grandma Pam works with a man whose daughter had a premature baby, so we sent some to that baby girl and a bunch to that hospital.

Lately I have been seeing so many little boys that are probably just around your age and that is one thing that I still struggle with a little. I love watching them and just imagining all the things you'd be doing. I think about what you would look like, what our house would look like and how different our lives would be with you here with us. Sometimes I love just letting my mind go and sometimes it makes me sad and missing you terribly. I do miss you peanut. Soooooo much!

I love you! Bigger than the whole wide world.

XOXO,
Mommy

How and why?

2007-07-27T07:01:00.000-04:00

As I was driving to get my hair cut last night, I passed a young boy walking on the sidewalk. He couldn't have been more than 8 years old. Maybe 9. In his arms was a baby carrier, and in that baby carrier was a young, young baby. This 8-9 year old was struggling to keep this baby carrier from crashing to the ground. In the short time I was waiting at the light, and driving past him, he set the baby carrier down twice, attempting to get a better grip.

The mother was no where to be seen. Neither was the father. Or any adult, for that matter. Should I have stopped, and helped this boy carry the baby carrier to wherever his destination was? Probably. But, the sensible, afraid part of me spoke up and said "and what do you do if the mother steps out of that nearby house and starts yelling at you for trying to take her baby? What do you do then?"

I drove on by. It was just another example of the injustice that exists in the world. Parents who are so irresponsible that they place the care of their infants into the hands of a young boy, burdening that boy with carrying a infant in a carrier that is too heavy for him to move safely, get to have and keep their children. DrummerWife and I, on the other hand, do not.

It was hard getting out of bed this morning...

2007-07-20T06:46:00.000-04:00

...I had a wonderful dream last night. Not of Aaron, unfortunately, but of his younger brother. I dreamt that DrummerWife gave birth to our second child, another boy, and waking from that dream was simultaneously a happy thing, and a sad thing. While our second child could never replace Aaron, not even in my dreams, it was just such a happy dream.

Now, if only I could remember this dream second child's name...

Letter to Aaron - There's Something about Holidays

2007-07-03T15:56:00.000-04:00

Dear Aaron,

Hi peanut! How are you? I am having a bit of a rough day today so I thought I would write you a letter. I'm telling you what, I think there is just something about Holidays. Tomorrow is the Fourth of July just a nice kind of laid back holiday, but I still can't help but think of what we would be doing with you. Daddy and I are going to a baseball game and you could have come with us. I would love to see what your reaction would be to fireworks. Would you sleep through them, watch them, or cry through them? I am sure I would have found you just the cutest red, white and blue outfit. Daddy and I will both be off work so we would have found something fun to do.

This was also our first holiday without you last year. I am not sure what we did. I would imagine not a whole lot. At this point last year I think we pretty much tried to just make it through the day. I know that after the fourth last year is when I started working again last year. I went back a little more than part time and a little less than full time (like 30 hours). That was heck at first let me tell you.

Oh, daddy and I are going to see the Tranformers movie tonight. Daddy would have had you playing with Transformers as soon as I would have let him. He made you a sign in the NICU with Transformers stickers all over it. Nurse Heather and Nurse Karen always got a kick out of that. I talked to Nurse Heather not too long ago and she told me everytime she saw Transformers stuff she thought of daddy and you. That makes me laugh.

Well, I know I did not say too much, but I do feel a little better. I bet those fireworks will be beautiful from heaven. I love you baby boy and I miss you each and every day!

Millions and Billions of Hugs and Kisses,
Mommy

Letter to Aaron - June 27

2007-06-27T21:34:00.000-04:00

Dear Aaron,

Hi peanut! I know I have not written to you (on here anyway) for about a month. This past month has gone incredibly quickly. I think that May was a very slow moving month for me and now it just feels like June is flying by. This summer is much different than last year. We didn't do much of ANYTHING last summer after about mid-June. I mean we went to the beach right after the funeral, but that afer that daddy and I just kind of did whatever we could to get by day to day. This year we can tell that we are healing. I am playing in the pit orchestra for a musical this summer and we're keeping busy. I am glad to know that we are healing, but at the same time it does make me sad sometimes. I have felt sad for so long that the healing that is taking place just does not feel normal (but I am adjusting). The one thing that is nice is that some of the sad memories are kind of being replaced by happier ones. I was thinking the other night about nights when Nurse Heather was on duty. When she was there and I would talk to you she would answer me for you. It was always kind of fun. She was the one that was on duty when you had the life-threatening phlegm wad (which for some reason will always make me giggle. Daddy and I have always said something like that would ONLY happen our child). The next night Heather was telling me the story and she said after the whole ordeal was over you just looked around around like, "Hey guys, what's going on?"

I've also been dreaming about you a lot lately which I always love. I like the feeling of being able to see you and especially talk and play with you. I hope that I never lose the ability to do that.

Well Mr. Aaron, I love you SO much and miss you even more. I will see you soon and very soon! Meet me in my dreams!

Hugs and kisses,
Mommy

XOXO

Can't let it go completely...

2007-06-27T13:55:00.000-04:00

I saw Josh's last post and got a little sad. I am not sure I am willing to let this site just go away...not yet anyway. I have actually been writing letters to Aaron on a (mostly) weekly basis. I just have not been posting them. For some reason when a year came (and went) I just figured people might be tired of it or sometimes I felt like it was expected. It was SO healing for me to write letters and share them with you all. Your comments are always so nice to read as well...like I said I figured at the one year mark we were kind of expected to get over it. After a couple recent conversations I have had with my mother, mother-in-law and Josh I realize that this is not the case. I would like to keep posting. I don't think it will be every week, maybe not even every other. But It will probably still be a couple times a month. I also appreciate the support and all the continued support. We are healing and it is good, but sometimes healing can be a bit scary as well. I have a letter I have been working on for this week. When I finish it up I will post it either today or tomorrow.

Long time, no post...

2007-06-26T08:00:00.000-04:00

Well, if there's anyone out there still reading this after nearly one month of BoYS silence...Hi. We're still alive. Everything is good.

If you're wondering why there hasn't been any posts from either DrummerWife or myself in the last several weeks, well, the answer is pretty simple: there haven't NEEDED to be any posts from DrummerWife or myself. We're doing well. Life's not perfect, but it's better. We're healing.

A big thank-you to everyone who's been there for us in thought, word, or deed in the last year+. I don't know if there will ever be another post here at Baby On Your Six, or if there will be an occasion that warrants another post. But thank you for being here with us since this whole ride started. :)

One Year

2007-05-31T16:26:00.000-04:00

One whole year.

It's amazing that it's been a full year without you, Aaron. At 12:44, one year ago today, your tiny heart that struggled so much to beat under all the fluid you had retained since your surgery almost 2 weeks earlier, finally stopped. You were in your mother's arms at that moment. I was bent over you, sobbing, with so much of your family gathered around, sending you off.

I know it's probably hard to believe, but the morning you died contained both the single worst, and greatest moments of my life. We lost you, but when you squeezed my finger that morning, right after I told you I loved you, I was so elated. That squeeze had purpose, and meaning, and I don't care what anyone says - you were responding to me. I know in my heart that if you could have spoken in that moment you would have. But since you couldn't, you squeezed my finger twice to say "I love you too, Dad."

Since that day, your mother and I have struggled very hard with our grief - at times nearly losing ourselves to it, and in it. But your grandparents, aunts, uncles, great-grandparents, cousins, and others have never let us slip too far. You would have been such a lucky little boy if you'd made it, Aaron. So many people were ready to love you, and so many people still do.

Since that day, we've also struggled very hard to honor and remember you in ways that will let other people know about you. Your mother has spoken several times to groups about pre-eclampsia and premature birth. We've organized a very successful March of Dimes team. We've collected gifts for the children's ward at the hospital. Throughout the last year, everything we've done, everything we've said, and everything we've stood for has been done with one thought in the back of our minds - "How can we honor our son in this? How can we be an example, for him?"

I hope we've succeeded. I hope something, anything really, positive came out of our losing you.

I love you, Aaron. I love my son, and I'm very proud of you for the short time you were here. You fought so hard. Harder than I ever did for anything. I only hope I can make you proud of me.

Love,
Daddy

52 Weeks

2007-05-31T11:23:00.000-04:00

At some point today, you will all be hearing from both Josh and I, Josh said he'd be posting later. But here is my take on what today is, in normal fashion I feel best writing a letter to Aaron...

Dear Aaron,

It's been a year now...a whole year. I am still not sure how I feel about today. Sometimes I am relieved...relieved we have made it through the "firsts" of everything. But sometimes my heart breaks that we have done the same. In counseling daddy and I were told that for some reason after that one year mark things don't hurt quite as much, but sometimes that hurt it the biggest reminder I have of you. I like to do happy things to remember you to, but I worry that now as one year passes memories will fade. The memories of today are so crisp in my mind, so are the memories of yesterday. Yesterday marks the one year anniversary of one of the best days we had with you...today the worst. I can see daddy and I walking into the hospital and having the conversation with the doctor. We had already told the doctors, that as long as they were supporting and treating you we were fine with whatever level of support they needed to give you, but the moment they were doing nothing but keeping you alive with the machines that would be enough. It sounds like there is not much of a difference, but believe me there is. That day we got there and I could even tell the "fight" was gone. You were my little fighter. Every day your eyes would open or you would wiggle around or something when you heard daddy or I come in. That day when I said good morning to you I got no response from you for the first time since you were born.

After our discussion with the doctor we waited. Grandma Pam practically flew out of the NICU to go make phone calls to people. We waited for Grammy Vicki and PopPop Jack to get there and Pastor Al. Everyone else was on their way to be there for daddy and I. So there we were...waiting, holding you and making sure you felt enough love for your lifetime. I never told many people this, because I never wanted them to think it was weird, but after the took you off the ventilator and put you in my arms it was my favorite time that I got to hold you. I didn't have to be careful of cords, wires, tubes etc. I could just hold you like a normal baby. Hold you, love you and kiss you. I love knowing that at least for a short time in your life you got to feel me hold you like that. Leaving the hospital was awful and weird, but nothing helped more than to be surrounded by some many people that loved us. The nurses promised us that they would not leave you alone until someone came to get you, a promise they absolutely kept to us. One nurse told us later that after we left, many of them took some time with you to say goodbye to you. Hearing that meant the world to me.

I have never had such mixed feelings about a day like I do today. Never. I miss you terribly. I hate how one year ago was the last time I saw you...touched you...kissed you, but my love for you is just as strong as it was and will always remain. It brings me joy to think of the things we have done in the past year to honor and remember you and make sure that more and more people know about you. As I have said before, I am and always will be the proudest mommy in the whole world and love to be known as Aaron's Mommy!

I love you baby boy. Happy one year heaven day! I hope even if were sad here you are celebrating in heaven. I know even on the sad days I still celebrate your life each and every day.

Love always and forever,
Mommy

XOXO

51 Weeks

2007-05-23T15:23:00.000-04:00

Please forgive the missing 2 weeks of posts. I have been having issues logging in, which seem to have been fixed. I have the letters written but have opted to not post them...they are a little more private that normal and May has been a bit of a rough month. Anyway, I have chosen to share this weeks...

Dear Aaron,

Hi baby boy! 51 weeks...it seems so surreal. In a way I am relieved. Relieved to have survived this first year. I am not relieved however that it will soon be almost a year since daddy and I have touched you, held you and seen you in real life rather than pictures. We still have the little lamb you were holding the day that you died and a blanket that we had wrapped around you. I have kept the lamb in a baggie and they are both in the box they gave us at the hospital. They have kept you scent. On your birthday daddy and I took them out again and the scent has faded very little. It brought both of us to tears. Something about that always gets me. I love to smell it, but it just gets to me (in a good way I think). May has been a tough month for me...just knowing that one year ago at this moment you were still alive. Every day I can almost always recall what was going on that day last year. Last year at this time we were just desperately trying to get you to recover from surgery...and this week also would mark the "life threatening phlegm wad". That for some reason still makes me giggle, I guess because they didn't tell me too much about what was going on until after it had happened and we knew you were fine. I still say OUR child would do something like that.

The one thing I will never forget is how caring people were in the NICU. I know I have said it before, but those doctors and nurses meant the world to your daddy and I. Everyone did. Here we are approaching Memorial Day weekend. Last year I would say that weekend was great and terrible at the same time. Things were so touch and go with you...the days (or hours) were either really good or really bad. We had many different people visiting at different points over the weekend. You had a lot of cheerleaders...especially on memorial day. I will never forget that day for as long as I live. The laughter, tears, hugs, stories...it will live on always in my memory and it was one of the first times I got to show you off a little to people who did not meet you before. I was one proud Momma. I know I've said this before, but I truly believe you may have been ready to leave us on Memorial Day, but you pulled through and allowed us to have the best days we had the whole time you were alive the day after. I still can never thank you enough for that day.

I love you Aaron! More than there are stars in the sky!

XOXO,

Mommy

In the News...

2007-05-23T07:59:00.000-04:00

So...this story popped up back in January about a then-18-year-old student at Drexel University in Philadelphia who was suspected of killing her newborn child, and placing the body of her baby boy in the trunk of her car. Yesterday, the girl was arraigned, after a coroner determined that the boy was indeed born alive, and lived for about 2 minutes before dying of asphyxiation.

The suspicion now, as I understand it, is that the girl's mother may have assisted her in...ending the baby's short life. And not knowing what to do at that point, contacted her daughter's father, who then contacted a lawyer.

Which brings us to now: the girl is facing a whole litany of charges in relation to the death of her son, and I suspect her mother will be facing some charges as well. Situations like this always drive me crazy - how do people this sick, and this twisted get to snuff out the life of their child, or throw their baby into a dumpster? Especially when there are families out there who can't have a child, or who lose a child through no fault of their own? How many times does a news anchor need to remind us that Pennsylvania, Delaware, and New Jersey (among other states) ALL have a Safe Haven law - if you don't want your baby, take it to a hospital, police station, or firehouse inside it's first 28 days of life, and you can leave your child with no questions asked and walk away. If you're too screwed up to raise the child you brought into the world through your own irresponsibility, then at least be responsible enough to give that child to someone who WILL care for it. You know, instead of suffocating your baby, and throwing them in the back of your VW bug.

48 Weeks

2007-05-07T15:05:00.000-04:00

Note: DrummerWife tried to post this last week, but couldn't get logged into Blogger. She's continued to have difficulty, so I'm posting this in her stead, only 5 days late. Better late than never, eh?

Dear Aaron,

Hi peanut! Happy 48 week Heaven Day! One year ago on this date you were baptized. It was also probably the second saddest day of my life. I thought it may be the saddest, but the day you went to heaven topped this day. We had you baptized on this day because it was the day that I had to leave the hospital…just daddy and I without you. No mother ever wants to have to leave her baby at the hospital, especially one as tiny and as fragile as you. I was scared to death. So scared in fact that I would not even get dressed for your baptism. I went down to the NICU in my pajamas and my robe. I didn't remember that, but whenever I look at the picture of daddy, Pastor Al and I during your baptism I asked Daddy and Grandma Pam why they "let" me go in my robe. They told me that I would not get dressed. They asked me if I wanted to and I said no, because I was afraid the nurses would make me go home then.

I think I cried harder than I ever have that day. I think I cried harder that day than on the day you died. The day you died was very so surreal I definitely cried a lot, but eventually I just kind of got cried out. That day I cried the whole way home…there was nothing daddy could say or do. There were a lot of days leaving the hospital where daddy had to get me to leave while I was crying. Leaving you was a terrible part of the day. I would have taken up residence if the hospital had let me.

Aside from all of that you baptism was still very nice. Pastor Al did such a nice job and even though it was only the three of us I will never forget it. That day we even talked about how once we brought you home we would kind of do some sort of dedication and basically be able to share that moment with family and friends. Anyway, peanut, I thought about you much of the day today and spent some time remembering your baptism. I love you…more than there are stars in the sky.

Hugs and kisses,
Mommy

Post-WalkAmerica

2007-04-30T07:00:00.000-04:00

Well...WalkAmerica has come and gone - it was a huge success. Both for the A-Team and for the Lancaster area walk. The A-Team's little get-together on Saturday was a great time, and it was wonderful to be together with all of our friends and family who were walking with us to celebrate the team, and to celebrate Aaron's birthday.

As for the walk, the team ended up raising well in excess of $4000.00. Not too shabby for a first-year team, who didn't have time to actually do any fundraising events. We have plans to raise a lot more money for next year's walk.

The Lancaster area branch of the March of Dimes was shooting for $126,000.00+ in funds raised. As of a phone call DrummerWife received last night after dinner, they were expecting the final count to beat that target number by at least $20,000.00.

So, thank you for all your help, donations, love, kindness, and support over the last year; both for the A-Team and for Aaron.

Happy Birthday, Aaron

2007-04-28T07:16:00.000-04:00

At 12:44am, in the middle of the night, on this date 1 year ago, I was holding your mother's hand, and hearing you cry for the first time. It wasn't much, but it was a cry, and considering the fact that the doctors weren't sure if you'd be able to breathe much, if at all with your tiny, imperfect lungs, that cry meant the world to us.

Over the next several hours, your mother and I tried to sleep as best we could in unfamiliar, uncomfortable hospital beds and fold-out chairs. Your grandparents went home, or back to our apartment to try to sleep as well. Everyone we knew was praying for you.

Around noon, this time last year, I came to visit you in the NICU for the first time. You were so small, but I remember you being feisty and active, even at one day old, and 14 weeks too early. The nurse asked if I'd like to touch you. Of course I would. I couldn't believe they'd let me: surely my clumsy hand would break you, or knock a tube loose. But I didn't hurt you, thankfully. I put my hand on your arm, afraid for all my life that I'd do something wrong and the nurse would pull me away. But I didn't, and she didn't.

It was in that moment that I knew that you knew who I was. You put your tiny hand on mine, almost instinctively. There is a similar moment, on the day you died, when you squeezed my finger twice, immediately after I said "I love you, Aaron" for the final time. In those two moments I know we were together, father and son, and I treasure those moments dearly.

I took some pictures of you once I pulled my hand away. Your mother couldn't come visit you yet - she needed more bed rest - so to assuage my guilt at seeing you before she could, I took pictures with our digital camera and took them back to her. I feel so sorry that the first good look your mommy had of you was on the tiny display of a digital camera, but you know your mommy would have been right by your bedside if she could have been.

After that, you had a lot of visitors that day - grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins - they all wanted a peek at the little miracle that had rushed so much to get into our lives.

We're having a party of sorts for you today, Aaron. Your mommy and I are coming to visit you at the memorial garden in a few minutes, and then we're going to be preparing for a big cookout here at our house. Everyone who is walking in your honor tomorrow is coming, and we're going to celebrate what today is, and what tomorrow will be.

Thank you for being so perfect for the short time you were here, Aaron. I love you, and I always will.

Dad

47 Weeks etc.

2007-04-27T22:13:00.000-04:00

Dear Aaron,

Hi baby boy! I know I am a little late, but this time I was waiting until now to write on purpose. I wanted to write today. Today is when it began. I think "it" is the best way I can think of to describe everything. "It" is the happiness, the tears, the fears, the frustration, the support and the outpouring of love and kindness that daddy and I experienced. Today we did a lot, but whenever I finally stopped and slowed down I finally broke down. I cried and what happened last year. I was so scared and trying to be so tough. I thought if I could convince everyone you were okay that they would just leave you alone. I just told daddy for the first time tonight that I can remember being told that they would most likely have to deliver you that evening, my first reaction was that of any mother...pure excitement. I was so excited that I would get to meet you. Then the reality set in, that this was not a normal birth. You might not even survive the night...I might not even survive the night. This was serious or else they would just leave us alone. I remember everyone rushing to the hospital and daddy and I trying to finalize the name. Heck, we even told the doctor we were going to name you Owen. I changed my mind on the delivery table and told daddy I really wanted it to be Aaron. I am glad we did...you are definately an Aaron. Everyone was scared, for you, for me and for daddy too. I was laying there in the hospital watching your heart beat in the monitor. You were FINE....you had no idea what was about to happen. If there was anything I could have done I would have done it....anything at all. I had a GREAT pregnancy until that week...no morning sickness even.

Today, I should have spent the day with you...getting ready for you BIG first birthday party. Instead, I made a stepping stone to put out front with your name and "You are our sunshine" on it. It's beautiful and I'll be very glad to have it, but I didn't spend the day with you. I miss you peanut. I'm sorry that all of this happened. I'm sorry for all of us. I love you so much and always will and I hope that this weekend all that we are doing to remember you makes you smile while you are watching us and makes you even prouder to call all of us your family. I am so proud of everyone for everything they do to remember you, and I will always make sure everyone knows that I'm Aaron's Mommy.

Lots of love,
Mommy

Nightmares and Dreamscapes...

2007-04-25T06:57:00.000-04:00

DrummerWife fell asleep on the couch, as she often does, last night. She even started talking in her sleep, as she often does, last night. But...her dream was different than it usually was. Usual dreams generally include ice-skating monkeys, horse-riding monkeys, needing to go for a walk, needing to go the store, and the like. Last night...well...she was dreaming that it was about 1 year ago, and she was swollen from pre-eclampsia and needed to go to the hospital because something was wrong with her pregnancy.

She kept asking me to take her to the hospital, and I kept telling her that she was sleeping, that the dream wasn't really happening, and that she wasn't sick. I asked her to wake up, and when she finally did, she just started crying. Not that I can blame her.

Being just 3 days from Aaron's birthday, I have to admit it's hard to think back to last year at this time - knowing what we know now - that if someone had put the signs together, if someone had realized it wasn't just the unseasonably warm temperatures that were causing DrummerWife's swelling, that her "heartburn" wasn't really heartburn at all, then maybe Aaron would still be with us, and last year's nightmare would never have happened. And then DrummerWife wouldn't have had last night's nightmare, either.

On a somewhat happier note...the plan is for all A-Team members who want to join us at church on Sunday morning (if you'll be in the area by 8:00ish on Sunday) to wear your team shirt if you have it. We're going to show up in force, and proudly show what we're doing, and to remember Aaron's birthday in the sanctuary he was memorialized in.

What a Weekend

2007-04-23T08:19:00.000-04:00

DrummerWife and I were busy this past weekend. Friday night, we were at a Reading Phillies game, using the first of the tickets from our 8-game season ticket plan that we purchased for our anniversary last year. Then Saturday we were mowing, cleaning, and prepping the house for THIS coming weekend. Sunday found DrummerWife, DrummerMother-in-Law, and I scouring the Lancaster/Harrisburg area for a grill and a patio set, also in preparation for THIS coming weekend.

So, this coming weekend: Saturday is Aaron's birthday. He'd have been one this coming Saturday. To remember him, and to thank all of you who will be walking with us on Sunday, we're holding a cookout and a little party at our house. If you're on the A-team, you've been invited. If we somehow managed to miss you - sorry, tell us, and you'll be invited.

And Sunday, as I mentioned above is the walk. I remember sitting in DrummerWife's room at Lankenau Hospital last year - the day after Aaron was born - and seeing a story on the news about the March of Dimes WalkAmerica and thinking, "What are the chances that the day after Aaron is born premature, Philadelphia holds its March of Dimes walk?," never imagining that the next year I'd be walking in my son's memory.

What a difference a year makes.

46 Weeks

2007-04-20T17:03:00.000-04:00

Dear Aaron,

Hi peanut! Finally, I think spring may be here to stay. Thank goodness. It has been a CRAZY week. I was at a committee meeting for WalkAmerica...we're making all the last minute plans for the walk and leaving I realized that my tire was flat. I had to call the guy whose house I was just at to come and help me change my tire. Ugh! So that led to a whole string of events with the car, but I now have it back and Monday I take it back in for inspection.

Our whole walk team is getting ready for the walk. I am getting so excited. We have such a great team together and everyone is doing an amazing job. Tonight, daddy and I are going to a baseball game. Last year for our Anniversary we got a 6 game package for the Reading Phillies so that ought to be a nice night. My allergies are acting up, but it will still be fun. Tomorrow daddy will finally be able to mow the lawn for the first time. Yay! We need to get it all ready because next Saturday on your birthday we are having "The 'A' Team" walkers and supporters over for a cookout in your honor of course. I cannot wait!

I can't believe next week would be your first birthday....where does the time go.

Well, daddy just got home, so we need to get a move on! I love you my sweet baby boy!

XOXO,
Mommy

45 Weeks

2007-04-13T10:39:00.000-04:00

Dear Aaron,

Hi peanut! This week went pretty darn fast for me. I tried to write on Wednesday, but the website was down, so I ended up just journaling instead. So here I am just a little bit late...forgive me? Last weekend we made it through Easter. It was a little tough, seeing all the little ones in the Easter outfits and it church got to me a little bit. I think what made it even harder was that it was my birthday and I would have loved to celebrate that with you. We also celebrated everyone's birthday on Saturday with the whole Young clan. Grammy Young did a very nice thing and had your name on the cake in a heart so we could all remember that we would have been celebrating your birthday then as well. It was very nice.

Also, last night I started to learn how to knit. I had a good teacher cause I think I mostly caught on quickly. I am learning to make the preemie hats....I am excited about that. There are a bunch of people making those hats right now and your cousin Tracey is putting little labels in them that say "Made with love by Aaron's Angels". So cute!

Well peanut, I think that brings you up to speed. I miss you so so much! I love you!

Hugs and Kisses,
Mommy

Happy Easter, and Happy Birthday DrummerWife

2007-04-09T06:46:00.000-04:00

So, DrummerWife is another year older as of yesterday, and we celebrated our first Easter without Aaron. It struck me yesterday morning during church that Sunday was the last of our "firsts without Aaron." We managed to hammer out Easter and DrummerWife's birthday in the same day, and now all we have left to tackle is Aaron's birthday on the 28th, and the day he passed away on May 31st.

It's still so hard to believe that it's been almost a year since Aaron's birthday. It still seems so clear in my mind the night we rushed to the hospital, and the hours leading up to DrummerWife's emergency C-section.

On a happier note, I overheard DrummerWife and DrummerMother-in-Law talking about how the March of Dimes thought The A-Team was a business team because of how much money we raised in our first year. We're kicking butt, people. Keep up the good work. :)

44 Weeks

2007-04-05T21:12:00.000-04:00

Dear Aaron,

Hi sweet pea! Happy 44 week Heaven Day! Sorry this is a little late. Mommy hasn't been feeling that great this week, my allergies got the better of me. I feel much better today, of course it is freezing cold again. This weekend is Easter weekend. I am off tomorrow and we will be spending this weekend with lots of family. Mommy's birthday is actually on Easter this year. Last Sunday, Daddy and I were watching America's Funniest Videos and they were showing clips of little kids doing Easter Egg Hunts. I just started crying. It's one more thing. I could just picture coloring eggs with you and hiding them. Making a basket for you. Picking out an Easter outfit. Watching everyone play with you over the weekend. Sometimes, while it hurts initailly it is just nice to picture what we would be doing with you. As much of it hurts to not be doing it, it helps a little just to acknowledge that we would be doing it. Your birthday is quickly approaching. I just can't believe you would be a year old. Aaron, I miss you baby and I hope you have a great Easter. I can imagine it would be pretty amazing to be celebrating it with Jesus! You'll be in our hearts and minds and I know I'll be thinking of you all weekend (as if I don't every day).

I love you peanut!
Easter Hugs and Kisses,
Mommy

43 Weeks

2007-03-28T21:28:00.000-04:00

Dear Aaron,

Hi peanut! We are getting a nice dose of spring here finally. Tonight I was out in the memorial garden for the first time in a while. The coldness and the snow didn't make it easy for me to get out there. I was waiting to meet daddy at the church and just spent some time sitting there. It's always so peaceful there. Last night I was at Yoga, trying it out for the first time, and at the end we were just doing some quite meditation/prayer time. I was thinking about you and for about 2-3 minutes had the most vivid picture in my mind of you playing. It was so nice. I was just thinking about you and wishing I knew that you were okay and happy and boom...there I was watching you. I love those moments and will treasure them for as long as I can have them. It is so reassuring to me.

Things for the walk are going full steam ahead and I know that you are so proud of "The 'A' Team". I also was told by a certain cousin, that some hats have been knitted in your memory and small iron in labels have been placed in them that say, "Made with love by Aaron's Angels". They are going to send some to Bryn Mawr and some to other NICU's in the area. Such a neat idea. I can't wait until I learn to make those little hats!

This weekend daddy and I are going camping in Grammy and Pop-Pop Young's new camper. It would have been great for you. Lots of room and it would have kept you nice and toasty warm. It should be fun, it only it doesn't rain all weekend. See if you can do something about that would ya ;-)

I love you Aaron!

Always and forever,
Mommy
XOXO

42 Weeks

2007-03-22T09:55:00.000-04:00

Dear Aaron,

Hi peanut! It's been kind of a rough week. One year ago, on March 20, we went for the big ultrasound. It's when we found out you were a boy. Knowing that made everything switch from, "we're having a baby!" to, "we having a boy!". It was so neat knowing that. It gave us time to plan for you specifically. It's when we started our registry, picked what would be your nursery theme etc. Tuesday night I was kind of upset because I couldn't remember what we picked at your theme. Your daddy reminded me that it was Noah's Ark, with nice bright colors and lots of animals. It seemed like such a big decision at the time. I also wondered this week for the first time if anyone actually bought anything off of that list. Once you were born and in the hospital I was so focused on you and getting you better that none of that mattered. Your daddy and I had such a good support system I knew that I would not have to worry about any of that, and if it got close to time to bring you home, somehow a nursery would get done and stocked. Your daddy and I were lucky, because there were a lot of things we just never had to worry about. We were able to just focus our time on you and that was the most important thing of all.

I love you Aaron, bigger than the whole wide world.

Mommy

Not even getting a haircut is easy...

2007-03-17T14:54:00.000-04:00

So, I walked into Holiday Haircuttery, and sat down next to a young woman and her young son. The boy was probably pushing two years old, if not a little older. He was sitting on his mother's lap, and just talking away.

He points directly at me and says "Daddy!" I laugh, his mom laughs, ha ha, how cute. He points at some other woman and says "Mommy!", then at another man, and says "Daddy!" again.

Yeah, I know he was just calling every male adult a "daddy" and every female adult a "mommy", and yeah, I know it shouldn't have shaken me up much...but it did. I sat there for awhile as the boy kept looking at me and talking to me, and being generally adorable, and I just couldn't take it at one point. I got up, and left. I can get my hair cut some other time.

41 Weeks

2007-03-14T21:28:00.000-04:00

Dear Aaron,

Hey peanut! Happy 41 Week Heaven Day. We have had a couple of really nice spring days these last couple of days. It's been so nice out. Last night, I started to learn how to crochet. I am not very good yet, but I am going to practice. My friend learned a little while ago and she is making baby hats and donating them to the NICU. I hope I can get better at it and learn how to do that. I think that would be therapeutic for me. The closer it gets to spring the more nervous I get about everything. Last week, during counseling your daddy and I talked a long time about what we would do around your birthday and we are still having a tough time deciding. Our counselor did a good job at giving us some options, but we still need to make decisions. It should be such a fun time, with lots of planning and celebration. If you were still here, you know by now everything would be well planned. Things are just so...different.

Right now it's 8:30 and still pretty nice outside. I can only imagine the walks we would have gone on these past couple nights. I am sure you would have LOVED going for walks and I would have taken you for lots of them. Speaking of walks things are still going well for the March of Dimes walk. I am glad about the timing of that. This year is really a learning year for us. I can't wait to see what we can do next year! Everyone has such good ideas!

Well Aaron, as always you know how much we miss you! I love you! Play hard buddy!

See you in my dreams!
Mommy

40 Weeks

2007-03-08T10:26:00.000-05:00

Dear Aaron,

Hi baby boy! Happy 40 Week Heaven Day. We got some snow again this week, most likely the last of it...I hope. Last night daddy and I went to CVS and we ran in and went down the aisle of all the baby stuff (by accident of course). That hasn't really choked me up for a while, but last night it did. I always get particularly choked up by the food and the diapers. I think because when you were sick I always felt so horrible that you were not eating anything. I mean yes, they were giving you fat, vitamins, nutrition etc. through and IV, but the first time the fed you my milk is when they started to discover you were sick. And diapers...I look at those diapers that are so big compared to the ones that you wore and remember just hoping a praying for a wet diaper. It still seems like such a simple thing. Someone sent me this poem a while back...this was definately written by a parent that lost a baby...nobody else could describe it that well..

The Shopping Trip
As I persue the aisles, of the local store,
I see things more differently, than I ever have before.
"Daddy's Little Angel", the embroidered bibs do read.
But, Daddy's angel is in Heaven,and bibs he does not need.
He does not need a bottle, an outfit or a toy.
Of buying those things for him, we shall never know the joy.
There are tiny jars of baby food, that he will never eat,
And tiny shoes with buckles, that will never touch his feet.
As the bikes and trikes taunt me, from high up on the rack,
Tears will break free from my eyes, if I dare look back.
I run off to the restroom, to blow my nose and cry.
I wipe my eyes, swallow hard, and let out a sigh.
I must go face the paper, college and wide rule,
That my little angel, will never use in school.
I hurry past the greeting cards, that the people chose with care,
And I am reminded, of the holidays we shall not share.
In the checkout line I bow my head, and heavy is my heart,
For the family right in front of me, has a newborn in their cart.
Shopping in the local store, used to be mundane.
Now every aisle's full of items, which remind me of my pain.
So, quick as I can, I give the cashier, the money from my purse,
And hurry away from those who don't know my pain, in this foreignly happy universe.

Yes, as much as I really don't like shopping, I would LOVE to have you to tote around and go shopping with. Although last night after our little trip I did have a dream about you...we were shopping together of course. I had you in a stroller and you weren't really old enough to talk yet, but you were old enough to point at things you thought looked fun. That was it, just you and me shopping...me talking to you the whole time and making you giggle and laugh. It's actually one of the first time I've dreamed of you as a baby rather that toddler or kid age. Pastor Al once told me after I talked to him about some of my dreams that God knows what is on my heart and tries to take care of me. Last night I think that dream was definately proof of that. Something that I want so bad and that was definately laying heavy on my heart...Something as simple as want to go shopping with you baby boy...and even though I can't do it in real life there was something very nice and reassuring about being able to do so in my dreams.

I love you peanut!

XOXO,
Mommy

39 Weeks

2007-03-01T11:28:00.000-05:00

Dear Aaron,

Hello baby boy! Yesterday was a busy day, we had counseling after work and then church etc. By the time we got home it had been a long day and I just did not get a chance to get on the computer. On Monday I had a very rough morning. I was missing you so bad it just hurt. Normally, I am able to figure out what caused my "bad" day, but that day I figured it was nothing other than the fact that I just missed you. That morning it was like I just ached and my arms just wanted to hold you. Sometimes this stuff just happens if I haven't let myself have a good cry. As many times as I tell myself you are in a better place and very happy it doesn't make my pain any less.

You should see all the people that we have walking with us in the March of Dimes walk. That is going to be a nice weekend. Your daddy and I were going to try to figure out what we are going to do the rest of that weekend (since it's your birthday weekend) and get that planned this weekend. Your aunt Jess is coming to visit this weekend to, her birthday is Saturday. I tell you what...you lucked out in the aunt and uncle department. I know I told you this in the NICU, but it's worth repeating. Your aunts and uncles are so loving and so fun...they (along with your grandparents and cousins) would have just spoiled you to death.

I just flipped my calendar today and the photo for the month of March is me holding you for the first time. I look so happy in that picture. Sometimes I wonder if I've looked that happy since. I mean in that picture you can see the happiness in my smile, my eyes, all over. I know I still smile, but I don't think anything will come close to that day for a while. Also we are going to get loops made at the top of the quilt your cousin Bobbi had made for us. I have it on display now and haven't wanted to give it back to have the loops put on it. I look at it every single day, but I do want to get it hung, so I can part with it for a short while. You're everywhere little boy...in my heart, in the house, even when I watch other little kids with their daddies and mommies, I see you and what would have been. I love picturing the three of us in similar situations. I love you peanut and I miss you!

A million hugs and kisses,
Mommy

The A-Team

2007-02-28T10:46:00.000-05:00

This'll be quick, I promise.

I just wanted to thank all of you who have signed up for our WalkAmerica team, The A-Team. I can't tell you enough how comforting it is to see that Aaron is not forgotten by those who wanted to (and still do!) love him.

Team T-shirts are coming. I'm designing them personally, and they're going to rock.

Also, DrummerWife and I promise that next year, our team will be far more organized. We've been sort of pressed for time this year, and we've still managed to amass a very large "family" team. If we can keep that level of enthusiasm and participation up for next year, we'll be able to plan fundraising events and the like, increasing the amount of money we can take in to help make sure that the next baby born under Aaron's circumstances has better chances than our little Peanut had.

38 Weeks

2007-02-21T21:14:00.000-05:00

Dear Aaron,

Happy 38 week Heaven Day sweet pea! Tonight I went and got a haircut. As I was getting ready to leave I scheduled my next appointment and I was scheduling 8 weeks out. The girl was looking ahead and gave me the date of April 18th. I got huge tears in my eyes. Part of me can't believe that you birthday is 8.5 weeks away. I can't believe we are quickly closing in on one year since you entered this world. Your daddy and I need to get moving on what our plans are going to be for that weekend.

This week I talked to a couple of people about how I said that someone would be up in heaven with you teaching you how to play in the snow. Everyone I talked to had a different idea of exactly who it might be showing you new things etc. I think it's pretty neat that everyone can have their own ideas on whatever brings them peace or makes them smile when they think of you. Your daddy and I mention different people all the time, but sometimes no matter how comforting that is it still hurts that it's not US... I know though, when we do get to be together we'll get to experience all of those firsts together.

I miss you Aaron and I love you more than there are stars in the sky :-)

Love always,
Mommy

PS. XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO

37 Weeks

2007-02-14T21:39:00.000-05:00

Dear Aaron,

Hi baby boy! Happy 37 week Heaven Day! We had a heck of a snow storm today. Not nearly as bad as it's been in some places, but bad for us. Daddy and I both ended up spending the day at home. We thought it would be nice at first since it was Valentine's Day and all, but then realized we would have to spend most of the day shoveling. Let me tell you, that was some HEAVY wet snow out there. Somewhere during hour number 3 I started thinking about you. What it would be like to let you see you first snow fall...get you all bundled up just to snap a couple of pictures. I was thinking about how you would react to the snow on you face (not that we would have let you out that long at all), but it sure would have been cute to see you discover something new. That is why I can never go long without thinking about you...I always think about how you would react to things or what it would be like to let you see things for the first time. Then, I have to admit very selfishly that I was thinking if you were here I would be able to be out shoveling like that because I would have had to be inside taken care of you ;-) I am not sure daddy would have let me get away with that because it took us about four hours (2 hours a break and then 2 more) with both of us working, we would have had to take turns most likely outside and taking care of you. Our first snow day with you would have been lots of fun though...I know it would have.

Hope your making snowmen and snow angels up there pumpkin...I know there is someone up there that can show you how. I love you Aaron.

Millions of kisses and a great big snowy hug,
Mommy

So What if I'm 9 Months Behind DrummerWife?

2007-02-12T06:56:00.000-05:00

While it only took DrummerWife about 2 days to have a dream about Aaron that she could remember, it took me a total of about 9 months. Saturday night, I had the best dream - the three of us were all in our car, driving somewhere (obviously). DrummerWife was behind the wheel, and Aaron was in the back in his car-seat. For the duration of the dream, I just kept turning around to look into the backseat and make faces at Aaron, to make him smile and giggle. If I had to guess, he was about a year old in the dream, but I honestly can't remember what he looked like in the dream.

It was great though...to feel like a family for a few minutes at least, even in dream form. Hopefully some day I'll dream about holding him, or playing with him. :)

36 Weeks

2007-02-07T20:48:00.000-05:00

Dear Aaron,

Hi baby boy! Happy 36 week heaven day. I had a heck of a morning today let me tell you. I thought I was supposed to be at an event for the March of Dimes...they had asked me to speak about you. I got a speech all ready and was all proud of myself. Got there this morning and could not find them anywhere. I looked all around and asked everyone I could find. Then someone asked me if I was at the wrong hotel. I called the other hotel and they said there was nothing there for the March of Dimes...I didn't know what to do. I called Daddy and he couldn't remember any of the details, so I went to work. When I got there I looked at my calendar (I had left it there the night before) and found that it's TOMORROW that I talk. I had myself all worked up thinking I had let people down and worse yet let you down because I would not get to share your story. Silly mommy! So TOMORROW sometime between 7:30 and 8:30 I get to give my little speech. I made it simple and to the point, but I think it's a good one. Here's what I am going to say...

"Our son, Aaron Keith Young was born on April 28, 2006 at 26 weeks, 14 weeks too soon. He was 1.5 ounces and 13 inches long. He was tiny, but he had an effect on people all over the world! There's nothing scarier than watching the doctor's take your son and quickly begin working on him...doing all they can to save his life. Aaron was in the NICU for 33 days. Nothing in life will ever compare to what life is like in the NICU...such amazing highs and agonizing lows. After needing two surgeries Aaron's little body just couldn't recover and he passed away on May 31st. This year my husband Josh and I formed a family team, "The 'A' Team" in memory of Aaron. We walk in his memory and continue his legacy in anyway we can. The things that can be done in the NICU - both medically and the emotional support they offer parents and families is in no small part to the research and training done by the March of Dimes. We got to have 33 days with our son, to get to know him and form memories. While losing him was and still is painful - not having him for that time would have been worse. My life is better because of Aaron. By doing this walk we hope we can help even one baby get his or her 40 weeks. We walk in memory of Aaron, but we walk for all babies!"

I hope that makes you proud of your Mommy, because there is nothing in this world that I am more proud of than you.

You are my sunshine peanut! I love you!

Mommy

Comfort Zones

2007-02-07T07:50:00.000-05:00

Things haven't exactly been "good" at any point during the last year, but they were finally starting to feel acceptable. I still don't feel like I'm in control of my life, but I can at least cope with it, finally.

It's funny though, because now that things are in a seeming sort of balance, I don't want to upset that balance. It's almost as if I've firmly entrenched myself in a comfort zone - things are OK - and I don't want to add any other stresses, attachments, responsibilities, or requirements into my life right now. I just don't know if I can handle that at this time.

It's kind of a "if it ain't broke, don't fix it" mentality, I suppose. But for now, it's working for me.

35 Weeks

2007-02-01T07:50:00.000-05:00

Dear Aaron,

Happy 35 Week Heaven Day sweet pea! This weekend it occurred to me that on Sunday you would have been 9 months old. 9 MONTHS! I can't imagine what our lives would be like with a 9 month old! Daddy and I talked about how we'd really be seeing some personality in you and you'd be giggling and smiling (God knows you'd be absolutely the most beautiful 9 month old we ever have seen)! Every morning I look at that little nose of yours and I just want to kiss it! We're just getting closer and closer to your first birthday. Daddy and I have not decided what we are going to do yet. We want to do something...and we already know the day after your birthday is the March of Dimes Walk - so that will be nice. I've also been asked to speak at two other events and tell our story. Trust me...you daddy and I will always make sure as many people know about you as possible. For a 9 month old you already have quite a legacy.

I love you Aaron. Play hard today :)

A million hugs and kisses,
Mommy

Counseling and Guilt

2007-01-30T07:34:00.000-05:00

DrummerWife and I have been re-started counseling sessions with a psychologist now that we've been moved in for almost 2 months. We've met with her 3 times now, and it seems to be going well. Last night, we didn't talk about us, or about what we were feeling, but basically just talked about Aaron. It was wonderful. I love having the opportunity to get all the things I think and feel about Aaron out of my head and vocalize them. It just feels so good to remember him WITH someone for even a brief period of time.

Also, lately I've been wrestling with a degree of guilt. I have to assume it's a normal thing - but every time I go even the shortest span of time without dwelling on Aaron, I feel like I've let him down in some way. Rationally, I know that it's okay and healthy to not be dwelling on him, but at the same time, I feel like every moment I don't think about my son, he's slipping further away from me. And that scares me - he's far enough already. I want to latch a hold of whatever bit of him I can. I worry about forgetting him. I guess I should say that I'm afraid of forgetting him. I would never CHOOSE to do that, but if I can go a 1/2 hour without thinking about him...what if those stretches get longer and longer?

34 Weeks

2007-01-25T10:03:00.000-05:00

Dear Aaron,

Hi sweetie! Happy 34 week heaven day peanut. Your daddy and I got our team for WalkAmerica up and running. We were having a tough time deciding on a team name. After a couple suggestions from some friends we decided to go with "The 'A' Team". Your daddy got a kick out of that name. I am so glad we are going to be able to do this and I think its even more appropriate that it is right after your birthday. Lately we got some really nice things in memory of you that have been so nice. At Christmas Grammy and PopPop put a lamb in the garden at Tabor - I keep meaning to take a picture of that, it's adorable. Then, Grandma and Grandpa donated a lamb through the Heifer Project in your memory. The lamb is something your daddy and I just held out to that reminds us of you, because you had a little tiny stuffed lamb that you cuddled with in the hospital - it was just the right size for you. A couple more donations came in from the hospital recently. Then just this weekend we got a card from a friend of mine. She was telling her dad about our story and he made a donation to a hospital in Atlanta in your memory. They sent us a beautifully printed card saying so. It just warms my heart so much that even after 34 weeks people still think about you and do things like this. I know you are never far from my mind and it seems like this goes for a lot of other people as well.

I miss you peanut - and so do a lot of other people - that will never stop...

Love always and forever,
Mommy

WalkAmerica Team Up and Running

2007-01-22T19:50:00.000-05:00

We have formed a team for WalkAmerica. It's something we have mentioned before. The walk is going to be on Sunday, April 29, 2007 in Lancaster. Fittingly this is the day after Aaron's Birthday. We plan on doing something either on the 28th or after the walk that Sunday to honor Aaron's birthday, but that is plans for another day...

You can sign up for our team, sponsor our team etc. by clicking on the WalkAmerica banner that Drummer put at the top of the postings. It will take you directly to our team page. That is where you can join our team, support our team, or just learn more about what we are doing. I want to be able to possibly do some kind of team fundraiser or two. If you have any ideas let me know. You can get your friends, co-workers and whoever else to sponsor you in the walk. You can collect donations or you can do them online as well. I am listed as the team captain, but it's really our Family team. Just talk to either of us if you have comments, questions etc.

We'd love to have you walk with us! It will be a great way to celebrate Aaron's birthday!

This time last year...

2007-01-19T07:19:00.000-05:00

...I was settling in for a long, quiet weekend to myself in our first apartment, knowing my wife was off scrapbooking away, and we were both looking forward to her putting together our baby's scrapbook at next year's event.

This year, things are just a tiny bit different.

It's so strange to look back at everything that has gone on in the past 1+ year. The amount of changes that have taken place, and how, after everything we're right back where we were in a way. I'm getting ready for a nice weekend alone, although I'll be a little bit busier helping my sister move a new bed in tomorrow.

The more things change, the more they stay the same.

33 Weeks

2007-01-18T07:12:00.000-05:00

Dear Aaron,

Hi peanut! Happy 33 Week Heaven Day. Sometimes I wish time would just stop for a little while. I really hate that it just keeps getting further and further from when we were with you, from when I got to touch you, hold your hand, kiss your forehead, cheek, itty bitty nose etc. I am going away this weekend to go to a scrapbooking weekend. I am looking forward to a weekend away.

Of course every time something like this comes up there are also memories...I went to this same weekend last year and I was pregnant. I can remember your daddy saying he was looking forward to what would be his last weekend alone for what would probably be a long time. We knew once you got here you would keep us hoppin'. I can also remember your two grandmothers "fighting" over which one would be able to keep you this year so that I could go away and daddy could have the weekend to himself. Look, I only like 12 weeks pregnant with you and you were in high demand. I thought about whether or not I would even want to or be able to leave you for a whole weekend. UGH!

Sometimes it seems like nothing is ever easy, sometimes I wonder if things will ever go back to normal again, if I'll EVER look at a situation and not think of how you would have impacted it, changed things etc. I've decided it is not possible. You made a huge impact on me and for the rest of my life I know there will always be times I think, "If Aaron were here...". Also, I am more than okay with that and wouldn't have it any other way. Even if it is only in my head I need to be able to think what things would be like if you were in them. I always hope when we do something fun that you can somehow see it, or know it somehow. That's a bigger question for another day though - I'll never know the answer to that until I am with you again. In the meantime, since you are always in our hearts, you are always in everything your daddy and I do - and I have to believe that you know that.

I love you Aaron.

A million hugs and kisses,
Mommy

32 Weeks

2007-01-10T20:14:00.000-05:00

Dear Aaron,

Happy 32 week Heaven Day peanut! Tonight daddy and I went to a meeting for the March of Dimes about Walk America. We're going to get a team together and do the walk in your memory this year. Talk about timing, it's on April 29th, one day after your birthday. They obviously do the walk the same weekend every year, because I can remember being in the hospital last year and seeing the commercials and a news story about the walk and about prematurity and sitting there just crying. I wish we could be doing this walk pushing you in the stroller telling people our success story, but I am just as proud to walk it as your mommy and make sure everyone knows all about you! We also took a tour of the NICU tonight. That was kind of interesting seeing a different NICU. Still brings those memories RIGHT back though. Seeing those tiny babies and remembering how small you really were. And speaking of those memories...we were visiting a new church again for the second time on Sunday and at the end of the service the pastor diverged from the bulletin and asked us to sing "Jesus Loves Me". That is one song I will never be able to sing without crying again. When I was pregnant I sang that to you EVERY day on my way to and from work several times (along with "You are My Sunshine" and once we knew you were a boy "Take me Out to the Ballgame"). After your were born, I would sing those songs to you and you would open your eyes and look right at me or squeeze my finger. Then of course we sang "Jesus Loves Me" at your memorial service. Every time I sing that song I cry, but I still have to try because I am singing it to you...every time...

I love you peanut! You are still and always will be my sunshine.

Millions of hugs and kisses,
Mommy

Toy Drive

2007-01-03T21:02:00.000-05:00

See weekly letter to Aaron below in separate post...

The toy drive was a great success (as the picture to the left shows). We would like to thank all of you that participated. It warms our hearts that Aaron was in your thoughts and on your hearts this holiday season. We know there will be a lot of kids that will LOVE all the new things. We wanted to let you all see what we collected! Hopefully next year we'll have the second annual toy drive in Aaron's Memory. Here's the list:

A Baby Gym *this was from mommy and daddy*

4 Fuzzy posters

2 Twenty Question games

13 Teething rings

5 rattles

a rattle/teether

2 mini-magnadoodles

16 matchbox cars

4 hot wheels

High School Musical DVD

Cars DVD

Little Rascals DVD

Haunted Mansion DVD

Air Buddies DVD

Nanny McFee DVD

Barnyard DVD

Teen Titans for Game Cube

3 pairs of socks

1 pair of slippers

8 lip glosses

Stack of rings

Elmo see and say

Latch hook kit

hand held Tetris game

Yahtzee

Sorry

Little People Airplane

Baby Einstein pop up book

Leap from puzzle

Winnie the Pooh Bear

16 coloring books

2 sticker books

1 word find

2 crayola art frames paper stacks

8 packs of stickers (including 1 Hello Kitty - I have a feeling that was picked just for Drummer)

10 - 8 packs of Crayola Crayons

1 pack glitter crayons

3 packs large crayons

2 packs anti roll crayons

1 pack washable crayons

4 packs washable markers

So it was definitely a lot and things for all age groups. We thank you again from the bottom of our hearts not only for the toy drive but for everything in 2006! We love you all!

Drummer and DrummerWife

31 Weeks

2007-01-03T20:51:00.000-05:00

Dear Aaron,

Happy 31 week Heaven Day baby boy! I hope you are doing great! Daddy and I had a nice New Year's...it definately was not nearly as tough as Christmas. We had some friends over and played games...we had fun. Daddy was a little sick before New Year's Eve and now he gave me his cold (bad Daddy!). New Year's Eve was the 7 month mark since you died. SEVEN MONTHS! I really can't believe it. We talk about you so much and think about you so much it just does not seem possible that it has been that long. That means you'd be just over 8 months old. I can't even imagine what you would be doing. I have to look to some other babies I know that were born at that time and look at their pictures and see what their mommy and daddy do with them. We took the toys to the hospital this weekend. I bet you made a lot of kids that are sick very happy. You made your mommy and daddy very proud. There are so many people that love you and thought of you over the holidays. We missed you so much. Things were good enough for us...but would have been excellent if we would have been able to spend them with you. I miss you baby boy. Your always in my heart and arms ache to hold you.

I love you Aaron!

Sweet dreams (I'll meet you there),
Mommy

PS. You should see my new calendar at work. Your Grandma made one for your daddy and I and it is full of pictures of you. We each have one at work and one at home. I look at it MANY times a day :-)

A Letter In Response

2006-12-31T13:11:00.000-05:00

The following comment was recently posted in response to DrummerWife's "30 Weeks" post to Aaron:

Anonymous said...
Have you and your husband sought professional help yet? It seems VERY odd that after so many months you are writing to your dead child. I realize everyone grieves in their own way, but you clearly need to speak to someone about this. Contrary to popular belief, blogging is not psychological therapy.
6:12 PM

I would like to take this opportunity to respond this anonymous individual.

Several times, comments made on this blog have led my wife and I to tears - but never before has it been out of pain, anger, or disgust. This is the first time this has happened. Previously, when a comment made us cry it was out of comfort - knowing someone out there cared for us, thought about Aaron, or simply wished us well. You, sir or madam, have become the first to make us cry out of hurt. For that, I congratulate you. You obviously succeeded in your mission.

However, we have decided to take the higher road in this situation. I will simply address your comments and concerns, and point out where your logic either flawed, or painfully misinformed.

We have, in fact, sought out, and received counseling for our grief. If you would have bothered to inform yourself about our story (conveniently available right here in this very blog for reading at your leisure) you would know that we attended counseling on a weekly basis for several months leading up to our most recent move. After the new year, we will resume counseling.
Our counselor, a wonderful woman named Linda, not only suggested, but she highly stressed the importance of writing to our son. So, while you think it's "VERY odd" for us to still write to him, it is in fact PART of our grieving process, and is not only healthy, but recommended for us.
You say that "you realize that everyone grieves in their own way", yet you seem oddly unaccepting of the fact that we have decided to share our grief and growth process with others, namely those friends and family who take the time to stop by here on a near daily basis. If you believe that our little chunk of Internet bandwidth is such a blight on the web, don't waste your time here. There are more likely other people out there grieving or suffering that you can insult.
And contrary to YOUR belief, blogging IS psychological therapy. It helps us to share a portion of our lives with those who care to read it (and if you don't think anyone does, I have 25,000+ visits since April to prove to you otherwise.)
One last, and final thing: again, if you had bothered to inform yourself about our situation you would know that this blog existed for 5 months prior to our son's premature birth. It's primary function was to keep family and friends in the loop regarding my wife's pregnancy. Then, after Aaron's birth, it became an easy way for us to keep everyone informed as to Aaron's status. Then, after Aaron's death, it became a way for us to share our experiences with those same friends and family - and anyone else who cared to read about it. If you don't share the same spirit of growth and love, then leave, and please don't return.

The truly sad thing about all of this, is that this "anonymous" poster will probably never see this, and even if they do, they probably won't care, because our grief doesn't fit their preconceived notion of how we should respond to losing our child. I pray, Anonymous, that you never know the pain we feel.

God Bless,
Drummer

30 Weeks

2006-12-28T08:02:00.000-05:00

Dear Aaron,

Hey peanut! Happy 30 week Heaven Day. Mommy is a day late this week. With Christmas being on Monday I just can't get my days straight (so we'll just pretend I am right on time). We missed you so much on Christmas Eve and Christmas day. Not that we don't miss you every single day. After we got home Daddy and I spent a while reading the notes that people wrote to you. We lit your little candle while we were reading them. They were all so nice. We cried a lot - which was good for daddy and I. Now this weekend is New Year's eve. We have been looking forward to this for awhile. We're ready to put this year behind us. It's weird...I say I want to put the year behind me cause of all the "bad" things that happened. You leaving us was the hardest, saddest thing I pray I will ever have to deal with in my entire life let alone this year. However, you also brought me more joy than I have ever known...I loved you more than I ever thought possible and then some. Everyone says they wish us a "better 2007"...we've said it ourselves...but what can be better than being with you, seeing you, holding you, watch you open or try to open your eyes the second you hear my voice, singing to you, hearing your tiny little cries, and changing your diapers. I am not sure what in 2007 will top all of that. I guess really 2006 may have been a great year after all, because I got to spend 33 days of it with you. I won't be able to say that next year.

I love you Aaron. I hope you had a very Merry Christmas and even though I know our time here means absolutely nothing where you are (thank God) we'll be wishing you a Happy New Year here. I'll see you "Soon and Very Soon"!

Sending you more hugs and kisses than there are stars in the sky,
Mommy

So, Christmas, huh?

2006-12-26T07:05:00.000-05:00

Well, the first post-Aaron Christmas has come and gone, and let me tell you - it was a doozy. From breaking down during Silent Night ("sleep in heavenly peace", anyone?), to visiting Aaron's interment site on Christmas morning, to opening up the beautiful gifts of a calendar made with photos of Aaron or a compiled, bound, 4-volume set of this blog printed out for DrummerWife and I, to crying together as we read all of your messages on the couch before bed last night.

It was a difficult few days for us. The feelings of missing out on something - like there was something we should have been doing - was strong for both of us, I believe.

Christmas is going to be hard forever, I'm afraid. But this one was the worst. It can only get easier from here.

Merry Christmas, Aaron. I hope it was a good one in Heaven, Little Guy.

29 Weeks

2006-12-20T15:22:00.000-05:00

Make sure you also see the post below about Christmas messages...

Happy 29 Week Heaven Day peanut! Christmas is getting so close. I know what it’s like here…I can’t imagine how wonderful Christmas is in Heaven. I have already gotten several Christmas notes that people wrote to you. Each one has made me cry. People still think about you a LOT. I can’t wait to read them all on Christmas Day. Last year I thought I would burst if Christmas didn’t get here soon. That was when we told everyone that Mommy was pregnant…I had HIGH hopes for this year. The things we would have done. It’s definitely going to make me sad that you aren’t here. Daddy had a good idea last night. When we go to our Christmas gatherings, we’re going to take your candle and the stocking for people to write you some notes on, but daddy also suggested we take something you actually touched or wore, so we’re going to take you little blue hat with us as well. We’re going to take the toys Saturday I think. We ended up with a lot! Daddy and I still need to go and pick out OUR gift…probably tomorrow night. That’s going to be a little rough, but I really want to pick out a toy for about a 4 month old.

I found this poem online. Another Mommy that lost her child wrote this. I hope and pray that this is exactly what Christmas will be like for you…

I see the countless CHRISTMAS TREES around the world below with tiny lights like HEAVEN’S STARS reflecting on the snow.
The sight is so SPECTACULAR please wipe away that tear for I am spending CHRISTMAS WITH JESUS CHRIST this year.
I hear the many CHRISTMAS SONGS that people hold so dear but the SOUND OF MUSIC can't compare with the CHRISTMAS CHOIR up here.
I have no words to tell you of the JOY their voices bring for it is beyond description to HEAR THE ANGELS SING.
I know HOW MUCH YOU MISS ME, I see the pain inside your heart for I am spending CHRISTMAS WITH JESUS CHRIST this year.
I can't tell you of the SPLENDOR or the PEACE here in this place Can you just imagine CHRISTMAS WITH OUR SAVIOR face to face
I'll ask him to LIFT YOUR SPIRIT as I tell him of your love so then PRAY FOR ONE ANOTHER as you lift your eyes above.
Please let your HEARTS BE JOYFUL and let your SPIRIT SING for I am spending CHRISTMAS IN HEAVEN and I’m walking WITH THE KING

I love you baby boy!

Mommy

Christmas Messages for Aaron

2006-12-18T19:33:00.000-05:00

DrummerWife asked me to post this for her-

I got an idea from a message board dealing with Grief and Loss for something to do at Christmas to incorporate Aaron. On Christmas Eve with my family and Christmas Day with Drummer's family, I am going to take along the stocking that we got for Aaron. It's an angel holding a lamb with his name on it...it was perfect. I am also going to take scrapbooking paper and some pens, etc. and ask people to write a little holiday message to Aaron or anything else they would like to write...the kids can draw photos, etc...Then we will read them on after we return home again on Christmas Day when it is just the two of us. What I would like to ask those of you whom I will not see at some point over the holidays to do, is to participate if you would like. You have a couple options: Leave a comment here and we'll copy, paste, and print it out in a nice font; email it to me; or email me for our mailing address and you can put something in the mail. Email me at nicoleannyoung@comcast.net. I will then be able to take all these messages and put them in Aaron's scrapbook.
Remember if I will see you sometime on or around the holidays you can do it then...this is more for our long distance readers or those I will not see.

Thanks in advance to anyone that participates :)

So, there you go. I have completed my contractual agreement. Back to the video games.

Happy Birthday, Baby On Your Six.

2006-12-14T07:00:00.000-05:00

Well, today marks the 1-year anniversary of Baby On Your Six. What started as a journal of DrummerWife's sure-to-be hilarious pregnancy has sadly become a meager memorial to Aaron. For fun, I thought I'd recap everything that's taken place over the last 12 months in the world of Baby On Your Six. Here goes nothing:

December 14th, 2005 - Baby On Your Six is born
Christmas, 2005 - we informed both of our families about our pregnancy
March - bought new car to replace DrummerWife's Ford Escort
April 14th - we move into the new condo
April 27th - DrummerWife enters the hospital with what she thought was indigestion
April 28th - Aaron Keith Young is born at 12:44am
May 9th - Aaron is moved from Lankenau Hospital to Bryn Mawr Hospital
May 17th - Aaron has a drain inserted in preparation for further surgery
May 18th - Aaron has surgery to remove the NEC-infected portion of intestine, it is determined that it wasn't NEC at all, just a hernia
May 31st - Aaron dies from complications resulting from surgery
June 6th - Aaron's memorial service in Elizabethtown is held at Christ Lutheran Church
June 11th-18th - We spend the week in Duck, N.C. with DrummerWife's family
July 12th - We buy a second car this year to replace my dead Nissan Pathfinder
August 4th - What would have been Aaron's due date, we spend the day in remembrance and fun at Dorney Park and Wildwater Kingdom in Allentown, PA
August 21st - Our 2nd wedding anniversary
September 9th - We welcome Guiness, our cat, into our home
October 3rd & 4th - DrummerPop-Pop undergoes heart catheter and valve replacement surgeries
October 27th - DrummerWife is informed that she's losing her job in 2 weeks
November 10th - DrummerWife is laid off
November 23rd - Thanksgiving Day Parade, we handle the Hello Kitty Balloon
December 4th - DrummerWife starts her new job
December 9th - We move again, just for good measure

As you can see...its been an odd year for us. I have to thank all of you who keep coming back, and who keep remembering Aaron along with us. To date, people have visited this site 24,166 times since April, when I started tracking that information. To be fair, 22,000 of those visits are from DrummerMother, but that's still a lot of visits for a site as small as this one. Never forget Aaron. I know we won't.

28 Weeks

2006-12-13T22:33:00.000-05:00

Dear Aaron,

Happy 28 Week Heaven Day sweet pea. What a week it’s been. We are moved into the new house and it is great. I would have LOVED to have you living at a place like this. I can just see you laying on the living room floor playing. We got moved in and even got decorated for Christmas. That was tough...we had your cousins Sophie and Claire helping us and the first ornament the pulled out was the one that daddy and I got last year to tell Grandma and Grandpa that you were on the way...the ornament said, "Parents to Be". Every time I considered decorating for Christmas I had to keep reminding myself that ornament was there. I am glad the girls helped cause otherwise I don't think I could have done the tree at all. But now all your toys that we have so far from the toy drive are laying under it and it makes me one proud mommy!

I heard a song on the radio the other day and it broke me down bad - it must be called something like, "Christmas is a time for the children" - I can't find the lyrics, but maybe someone else can. I just cried and cried. My favorite time of year normally and I'm lucky I got a tree up. I am just so glad you daddy had the toy drivc idea...it keeps me going.

Well sweetie it's late and I need to get some sleep. Meet me in my dreams!

Love,
Mommy

Well...we're in.

2006-12-11T07:25:00.000-05:00

With the help of about 20+ different people on Saturday, between 2 locations, we successfully moved from one condo into one house. Minor casualties were lost, and I'd like to take this opportunity to remember our beloved futon and the lamp that sustained fatal wounds.

Everything else went smoothly. We're still unpacking boxes, and we haven't even gotten to hanging up pictures yet, but we're slowly unpacking our lives into our new house.

My drive in this morning, now substantially longer and more involved, wasn't bad either. Took a little over an hour, and as long as I can keep getting up at 5:00am, I can avoid the traffic and be at work well before my 7:00am start time. Wish me luck.

Alright - to close: thank you, to everyone who helped us this weekend. We couldn't have done it without you.

T minus 1 day...

2006-12-08T07:08:00.000-05:00

It's officially crunch time. Last night was a fury of scrubbing, packing, taping, stacking, and trashing. Tonight will be more of the same. Tomorrow we move. At least it should be sunny and clear tomorrow. Cross your fingers.

I'd like to take this opportunity to thank everyone who has contributed to our little amateur toy drive this far. We've gotten some really good toys so far, and we should be taking them to the hospital once things settle down post-move in the next couple of weeks. Thanks again.

27 Weeks

2006-12-06T19:06:00.000-05:00

Dear Aaron,

Hi baby boy. Happy 27 week Heaven Day! This week I started my new job and I am tired. I do like it...so far so good, but it's just a lot to learn. I put your picture on my desk at work. Every day so far I have had people ask about you. It gives me a chance to tell people about you. People have been very nice about everything...asking questions about you, when you were born, what your name is etc. It's nice to have people do those kind of things.

The move is upon us. Your daddy and I talked about it and even though it's a new house we are still going to have "Aaron's room". The room that was going to be the nursery at this house we always call "Aaron's room" and I can't give that up, so even though it will have a bed in it for a guest, it's a room where I will be able to display some of your things etc. I am actually getting pretty excited to get our Christmas tree out and decorating it. I got you a stocking that is so cute. I wish you were going to be with us this Christmas...it would have been so much fun.

I had a really neat dream about you the other night. We were at a park with ALL our family (both sides) and you were there with us. I love watching everyone interact with you and I especially loved watching you play with you daddy. One of my favorite parts of the whole dream was when I got to hold you, feed you and go and change your diaper. It's funny what I crave the most...a big fat wet, messy diaper.

I love you Aaron! I wish I could be coming home at the end of the day to cuddle, play, bath you and tuck you in...but since I can't know that I'm wishing for it all the time.

A million hugs and kisses,
Mommy

As of this writing...

2006-12-04T07:01:00.000-05:00

...DrummerWife is en route to her first day of work at her new job. She starts at 8:00am this morning, and probably won't be home until late, due to her temporary extended commute. Wish her luck today.

On another note, we're 5 days from our 2nd move this calendar year. We're mostly packed, largely in part due to DrummerWife, DrummerMother-in-Law, and DrummerMom. They worked pretty hard last week and got most of our stuff packed up in just a couple of days. We've since been getting rid of excess clothing, throwing away trash, stuff like that. We're close to being ready. Oy.

26 Weeks

2006-11-29T21:48:00.000-05:00

Dear Aaron,

Hi baby boy! Happy 26 Week Heaven Day Aaron. Well, Daddy and I made it through Thanksgiving and we did the parade. I need to get the pictures developed. They were on a disposable camera...it stinks when you can't have a digital camera with you. We had a nice Thanksgiving day and we had your candle lit all day. Last weekend your Grammy and PopPop Young picked up a lamb that they ordered for the memorial garden at Tabor. It is beautiful. I saw it tonight when I went to choir. It was very neat underneath a tree that is all lit up for Christmas. I need to get a picture of that before we move.

For the past two days your Grandma, Grammy and I packed and packed and scrubbed and got most of this house cleaned out and packed up! Your daddy still doesn't quite believe we're moving half the time I think. This new house would have been great to watch you grow up in. Based on the fact that I have about a box and a half worth of your things not to mention all the pictures, you'll definitely be there with us! Plus I'll be like 5 minutes from the memorial garden where your ashes are so that will be nice to :-)

Monday I start my new job. I am a little nervous, but I am excited to. I think maybe just maybe (and I'll say this ONLY to you) that things are turning around or at least starting to look better. Next step...for me to start to feel just a little excited about Christmas. I love this time of year. Last year you were already SO much a part of our Christmas and we had BIG plans for this year. While I am wish you were here I know you'll have a great Christmas no matter what. Oh and we've already started to get a lot of toys to donate in your name so that is very exciting!

I love you Aaron...bigger than the whole wide world!

XOXO,
Mommy

First of all,

2006-11-28T06:57:00.000-05:00

...if you're one of the many who have offered to help us move on the 9th - thank you. But I have bad news. I saw on the news that they're calling for sub-freezing weather next week. I hate to break it to you all, but since you're helping *us* move, that means that it's going to snow. And I don't just mean a few flurries so that everyone goes "Oh, look! It's snowing! How nice!" I mean, a full-blown, catch-the-Northeast-by-surprise, end-of-the-world Nor'Easter.

Now, bear in mind, no formal weather-man announcement has been made telling us there will be even a hint of precipitation. But it's US. It's going to snow. And it's going to be hellacious.

Good luck. You've been warned. :)

Thanksgiving is over.

2006-11-27T07:12:00.000-05:00

And to mark the passing of the holiday, DrummerWife and I are both recovering from two of the most destructive colds, ever.

I contend that we got these demon-colds by standing in the cold, freezing, windy rain Thanksgiving morning as we held onto the ropes attached to Hello Kitty's giant balloon avatar. Thankfully, these colds really only blasted us Saturday night and all day Sunday. Today, I'm back at work, and it seems that the cold has moved into my chest, so at least I don't feel like someone stuffed my head with cotton balls anymore. It's a step in the right direction.

Also, we're on for the December 9th move. That means DrummerWife is going to be packing while she's at home this week (with DrummerMother and DrummerMother-in-Law assisting).

Weeeeeee.

Happy Thanksgiving Aaron (and everyone else)

2006-11-22T20:31:00.000-05:00

Well, it's not quite Thanksgiving and I know now I am pushing the letter down a bit, but we need to get up in the middle of the night to get to the parade to do our Hello Kitty Balloon duties. The picture is the balloons we let go for Aaron tonight and here is what the attached notes said...

Dear Aaron,
Happy Thanksgiving peanut! We miss you so much and I wish you were here. I hope that you get to eat lots of turkey tomorrow. I thought this turkey balloon would make you laigh. Watch over us tomorrow so your spirit can still be with us. I love you Aaron.
XOXO,
Mommy

Dear Aaron,
Happy Thanksgiving weiner-kid. Your mom and I had a lot of plans for the holidays, and most of them won't be happening. But that's ok. We still have a lot to be thankful for, like the fact that we did get 33 beautiful days with you. You willbe missed this Thanksgiving. Try to have a good Turkey Day without us up in heaven.
Love,
Dad

So thank you to everyone for everything this past year and Happy Thanksgiving. (Don't worry - Hello Kitty Photos will be up ASAP).

25 Weeks

2006-11-22T11:27:00.000-05:00

Dear Aaron,

Hi peanut! Happy 25 week heaven day and Happy Thanksgiving sweetheart. There is nothing in this whole world that I am more thankful for than the 33 days we had with you. Tonight you daddy and I are going to let some Thanksgiving balloons go for you. I'm hoping we can do it before the rain...Speaking of the rain...tomorrow is the parade. If you have ANY pull up there or can put in any requests get this rain OUT OF HERE. See if it rains during the parade your daddy will NEVER let me hear the end of it :-)

Last night I was so sad...starting to think of what Thanksgiving would be like without you here. I told your daddy that I can't even imagine sitting down to dinner and you not being there. Things should have been SO different this year. I really wanted to cuddle and play in the morning while watching the parade and then get you dressed is a cute little outfit. Watching everyone ohh and ahh over you and passing you around - cuddling and kissing you. Tomorrow is just going to be empty without you here. Every time I think about it I get tears in my eyes. However, it is still you that I am most thankful for this year. I am so glad for every minute we had with you and would not trade it for the world. Happy Thanksgiving Aaron Keith! Mommy loves you!

A million hugs and kisses,
Mommy

"Well, it's been a few months...

2006-11-21T07:05:00.000-05:00

...whaddaya say we pack all of our stuff up, and move again, babe?"

YES.

Yeah, it's official. We're moving. We've got a place lined up in Elizabethtown (back in DrummerWife's native Amish Country). It's a cute 3BR townhouse for rent. The only thing we have to nail down is the date we move in. We're leaning towards the first 2nd Saturday in December. So yeah, we even get to move in December! And right before Christmas!

Wish us luck.

24 Weeks

2006-11-15T22:45:00.000-05:00

Dear Aaron,

Hi sweetheart! Happy 24 week Heaven Day! It's still just kind of crazy around here. I am off work for a couple weeks until I start my new job, but I guess it's busy doing not working. So much to do and only a couple weeks to do it in. Yesterday you became a star. I was at the NICU for a day of gratitude and 2 television stations were there to interview me and of course they wanted to see pictures of you :) The toy drive is underway. Your daddy put the word out and we got a lot of responses quickly for people that want to donate toys in your memory. So many people are still thinking of you all the time.

I have a very funny story for you peanut. Over a month ago, Mommy decided that it would be fun to be in the Thanksgiving day parade and I asked your daddy if he would do it. I wanted to do something fun on Thanksgiving that I thought you would think was funny and I couldn't think of anything better that being a balloon handler in the Thanksgiving day parade. Well, after much discussion I convinced your daddy to do it. So we are going to be balloon handlers in the Thanksgiving day Parade...Now the story gets better...Last week we got our assignments and we found out that we will be with the "Hello Kitty" balloon. Our "costumes" are white jump suites with a red or pink feather boa. Needless to say, I think it's hysterical and your daddy in THOROUGHLY unamused. I think you'll get a kick out of you crazy parents on Thanksgiving Day - that's for sure.

I miss you peanut and I wish you could be here celebrating all the upcoming stuff with us. There sure are a lot of people that would love to be seeing you - I know that!

A million hugs and kisses,
Mommy

Today is Prematurity Awareness Day

2006-11-14T22:09:00.000-05:00

Today I had a great opportunity. I got to go back to the Bryn Mawr NICU to thank the staff there. The March of Dimes sponsored a "Day of Gratitude" and asked me to go and speak to the staff. I still can't say enough good things and as I said several times today, while we did NOT get the outcome that we wanted (obviously we wish Aaron were still here), we were SO thankful for everything the NICU staff did and they were able to give us 33 precious days with our dear sweet Aaron. That means the world to me.

Also, our fame is spreading. During the presentation 2 Philly news channels - NBC 10 and Fox Philly were there to cover the story. The NBC 10 story ran this afternoon and it was an EXTREME close up of me - ewwww....nobody wants that...it was short, but they may run something else at 11:00. The Fox news just came on as I type, but Drummer and I are checking that out now to see if they show it. They did both film a photo of Aaron - NBC 10 did not use it, but perhaps Fox will make Aaron a star as well - although he is already a star in our hearts :)

Thanks you again NICU staff for everything. You really are amazing people.

Thanks to those of you...

2006-11-14T07:04:00.000-05:00

...who have contacted us regarding the toy drive thus far. I've got your emails, and we've seen your comments here. I'll be getting an email out to all of you who have contacted me this week with your email addresses.

As for CW who asked about a deadline, I believe we were looking at the middle of December for turning the gifts in to Hershey Medical Center. I'll let DrummerWife correct me on that one, as I know we discussed it, but I honestly couldn't tell you what date, if any, we settled on. I'm smart like that.

Okay...not much else to report. So, I'll call this "over and out."

Sorry to push DrummerWife's weekly "letter to Aaron" down the page...

2006-11-09T07:09:00.000-05:00

...but I wanted to formally make an announcement...

I know I hinted at something being in the works a few weeks back for the holidays. And then DrummerWife lost her job, and we had to sort that mess out, and wait to hear back from some parties regarding our little plan. Everything has fallen into place, though not the way we originally anticipated.

I would like to take this opportunity to officially announce that we are going to be operating a small toy drive in Aaron's honor this holiday season. This is something that I have felt called to do for several weeks now, and thanks to DrummerWife's (and others) organization over the last few weeks, it's finally a reality.

Initially, we wanted to honor Aaron's memory by gathering toys for hospitalized children at Bryn Mawr Hospital - the same hospital that Aaron spent his entire short life in. But, after contacting Bryn Mawr about making a toy donation to them...they never returned our calls.

So...we've decided to donate toys to ANOTHER hospital. The Hershey Medical Center, to be exact. They've got a huge, great children's ward, and any hospital is just as deserving as any other.

So, here's the plan: we want any of you who care to join us to purchase a toy that meets the requirements on this list, and then, if you don't already know our address, or the address of our parents, email me @ joshua.r.young@gmail.com, and I'll get it to you, and then we want you to send the gift to us, and we'll make one big donation in Aaron's name to the children's ward some time during December.

I'm sorry it took so long to get this information out to you. We tried to get this together as fast as we could, but once again, life interfered with our plans. :)

If you want to do anything to help remember Aaron this holiday season, please participate in this with us, or simply make a donation to your own nearby children's ward in Aaron's name. Since Aaron spent his entire life in the hospital, we want to do what we can for children who are stuck living there over the holiday season.

Thank you!

23 Weeks

2006-11-08T22:09:00.000-05:00

Dear Aaron,

Happy 23 week Heaven Day sweet pea! I hope that you are doing well. So much is going here. Changes everywhere. I am not sure that I needed more changes, but I guess I got them. This week I can't help but remembering that it was this time last year that I got pregnant. That makes me so incredibly sad. I did not even know it yet, but you were already being formed inside of me. Now here we are a year later and yet you are no longer here with us. Also, last night it occurred to me...I have been so hung up on this job thing, being laid off and all - I said to your daddy that it would all be different right now if you were here. I would have taken a layoff with open arms, because it would have meant more time with you. All day with you. But now instead of that I was nervous and worried about what I would do.

The good news is that I did get a new job. I will have to take a couple of weeks off, but that will be okay. It gives me some time to get things in order. Plus that holiday thing we've been talking about for you - we have all the details (I think your daddy will be posting them tomorrow) and I can work on that.

I miss you Aaron. I can't believe that all of this began a year ago. I can't believe you aren't here for me to rock to sleep or cuddle with...I just can't believe the course of this whole year. I love you pumpkin! Meet me in my dreams!

Hugs and Kisses,
Mommy

22 Weeks

2006-11-01T21:58:00.000-05:00

Dear Aaron,

Happy 22 Week Heaven Day Aaron. I think about you all of the time right now. So many things happened over the past week. Saturday was October 28th - you would have been 6 months old - well I suppose 6 months going on 2 months, but none the less. I can't even believe that 6 months ago you entered this world. Yesterday would have been exactly 5 months since you went to heaven. On Friday I found I would be losing my job, which made me NOT realize that Saturday was you 6 month birthday. I realized it Sunday after I got a card from you great uncle and aunt and cousins saying they would be thinking about you on Saturday. I was so happy to get the card and that someone remembered something like that - they even wrote you a little note that said "Dear Aaron, We celebrate that you arrived six months ago to be with us. We miss you very much. You will always hold a special place in our heart."

So now here we are 6 months after your birth and 5 months after you died. We are into November - the month that I got pregnant. One year ago everything was just starting. We had are lifetime ahead of us. Now, at least for RIGHT now, it's over. I have pictures, cards and 33 days worth of memories. Tonight on my way home I heard the Billy Joel "lullaby" song. That song never fails to reduce me to tears - the very first line says, "Good night my angel, time to go to sleep - and save those questions for another day." I always think of all the questions you would have had for me - all the "Why's" or "What's that Mommy". Someday I can't wait to answer each and every question that you have for me - and in fact I'm sure I'll have a lot for you. The other line is "And like a boat out on the ocean, I'm rocking you to sleep." I'll never forget it - every time I got to hold you I wanted to rock you so much, but I had to be so careful because of all the tubes and wires. The day you died - right after they took you off the ventilator and put you back in my arms I was so glad that at least for a little while you could feel me rock you and hold you and we didn't have to worry about those stupid tubes anymore. I'll never forget that moment - not ever - I treasure that memory.

I love you Aaron Keith...SO much - you are my sunshine!

Hugs and kisses,
Mommy

Trick-or-Treat!

2006-11-01T07:00:00.000-05:00

Or not.

Warning! Mini-rant to follow!

At what point did the "this house only has candy if the outside light is on" rule go out of style for trick-or-treaters? We got through about half of our session last night with our grief counselor, when trick-or-treaters started ringing her doorbell. Now, I understand there's no way they could have known that we were inside talking about our issues, but the outside light was legitimately off. I was always told as a kid that you only knocked on doors or rang the doorbells of homes with an outside light on while trick-or-treating. Oy.

Okay. Back to the business at hand: our grief counselor thinks I might be a *tad* depressed. I can't imagine why that might be. Honestly though...I don't know if I am or not. I don't think I'm moping around...this crap that keeps happening is definitely starting to wear me thin, but I'm not feeling despondent or anything. I don't know - it probably wouldn't hurt to talk to a doctor, and get a professional medical opinion. I just don't want to get started on meds that I don't really need to be taking.

On a side note, DrummerWife and I met an old friend of mine from high school and her fiance for dinner last night, and it was really a very nice time. Even though we both felt like we spent the entire time monopolizing the conversation and talking about ourselves and all of our crap. Sometimes though, when you spend all day in social situations where it just isn't appropriate to talk about how it sometimes feels like your life is slowly draining down the toilet, it all comes out in a torrent when you're around people who might actually appreciate hearing about it. So...in short...thanks for listening. Next time, we'll let you get a word in edge-wise, I swear. :)

Well, we really ticked someone off up there...

2006-10-31T07:02:00.000-05:00

...because it's official - something is screwed up with our 2 televisions and computer monitor. We went to dinner at the DrummerParent's home last night, and borrowed a small 13" TV to see if that was also dark once it was plugged into our electric and our cable.

Hoping against hope that it would be (signifying something wrong with our electric or cable, and therefore not our financial responsibility to repair), I hooked the TV up last night just in time to watch Heroes. Naturally, it worked fine. Better than fine. Exceptionally well, I'd say. Which means...something is damaged in our TV's and monitor. Which is mystifying, because no other electronics in our home seem to be effected. Microwave is A-OK. Refrigerator is A-OK. Toaster, DVD player, video games, and computer itself all seem to be A-OK. Argh.

So, now we're going to humor Comcast I guess, and let them come tell us that nothing is wrong with our cable (which I already know), and then we'll have to file a claim with our renter's insurance. I'm just guessing that even if we do go through insurance, they won't give us that much money, just because our televisions and monitor aren't all that valuable or new. Cripes.

(A quick aside: I know I sound like a whiney pain in the you-know-what for the last few days, but I honestly feel like it's become one thing after another for us. This crap never ends. I'm just waiting for the tree to fall in our parking lot conveniently crushing ONLY our two cars and missing everyone else's. It's bound to happen.)

Also, DrummerWife isn't sleeping anymore. This job loss thing is really playing with her head, I'm afraid. It's a good thing we've got counseling tonight.

I have a migraine, I miss Aaron insanely much, and on top of everything...

2006-10-30T07:01:00.000-05:00

...it's a Monday morning.

Ugh. So, DrummerWife's Great Job Hunt 2k6 is underway officially as of this morning. She got a bit of a head start on things Friday afternoon, sending out some resumes to friends who thought they might know of a job or two she'd be a fit for. To those friends - thank you.

But today, things begin in earnest - people she phoned about jobs will likely be getting back to her, she can start perusing the job sites for fresh positions, etc.

On top of all of that...we've got a bit of an electrical crisis at the DrummerHome. Both of our televisions are unnaturally dim, as is the DrummerComputerMonitor. We're hoping it's a lack of current flowing into the DrummerHome, and not that we took a surge damaging our electronics. Both televisions and computer monitor are on surge protectors, so there ya go.

Life just keeps on getting worse. Eventually things need to turn around, right? I mean, mathematically, we have to be getting a break at some point, don't we?

2006 AD (or, as I like to call it, "The Year Fate Crapped the Bed")

2006-10-27T13:46:00.000-04:00

I've just been informed that DrummerWife has been laid off. Her employer has asked her to stay on for the next 2 weeks, but after that, she won't be needed.

Lovely. Ain't life GRAND?

I'm sure she's not taking this well, as I think I heard some tears as I hung up the phone. I love you, Hon. We'll figure this out. We got through losing Aaron, we'll figure out how to survive this. I promise.

21 Weeks

2006-10-25T16:42:00.000-04:00

Hi Aaron!

Happy 21 week Heaven Day sweet pea! I hope it's a beautiful day and your running and playing with all of the other kids. If you're anything like your mommy you're leading the way and playing lots of games :-) What I would give to hear you giggle, laugh and play. Goodness knows between your daddy and I you HAVE to be a creative little guy with quite the imagination.

Daddy and I have started to make some plans about some things we can do over the holidays to honor you and remember you. I know lots of people are dying to hear about it, but we still need to finalize some information so it might be later this week or early next week before we can "reveal" some of it!

Someone sent me some lyrics to a song this week. It's in the movie "Dumbo" (which is not one of my favorite Disney movies). Apparently while this song is playing the mommy elephant is rocking Dumbo in her trunk. The part that gets me is where it says, "From your head to your toes, You're not much, goodness knows, But you're so precious to me, Cute as can be, baby of mine" When I read that I just think of you so much. The "you're not much" part just makes me think of how small you were. Goodness knows your size certainly did not reflect the impact that you made on all of us :-)

I love you Aaron, and your daddy and I are going to make you REALLY proud over these next couple of months. Just you wait and see!

I'm closing my eyes and hugging you really tight (and smothering you with kisses)!
Mommy

With the Holidays Looming...

2006-10-23T07:21:00.000-04:00

...I suspect DrummerWife and I are finding ourselves staring up at a very, very large mountain that we have no choice but to climb. In an effort to alleviate some of the stresses that the holidays will present to us, we're looking at a number of distractions and diversions that will hopefully make the next few months a little bit easier for us.

We hope to be able to sort of announce one of those diversions later this week, and we'll be asking for any help that any of you would care to provide for us. If everything goes according to plan, we'll have news at some point later in the week.

...

Wish us luck the next few months. We'll need it.

20 Weeks

2006-10-18T19:04:00.000-04:00

Dear Aaron,

Happy 20 Week Heaven Day peanut. These past couple days have been rough on me. I have been missing you so terribly much. The holidays are getting closer and closer and its hard to take. We had a very nice time on Daddy's birthday last week though. I gave your daddy and figurine called "New Dad" to remember you that day.

Now Halloween is coming...but before you get the wrong idea I will tell you that your mommy really doesn't like Halloween - it's a dumb "holiday" as far as I am concerned. However, I would have dressed you up when you were younger - and especially as a baby. The costumes are just too darn cute!!! I saw the CUTEST costume. A little fuzzy duckling - it might have been a little big for you this year. Then I saw the cutest Tootsie Roll costume that was for an infant. I would have bought it for you (unless I could have found a peanut). I would have taken tons of pictures. We would have drug you around to see friends and family in it. Oh and your daddy - he probably would have complained and said it was not needed etc. (but deep down he would think you were absolutely adorable to). Over the top? Probably. Fun - eh, you would probably hate being in it and cry a lot. Something I wanted to do - YES! YES! YES! I would have taken you crying and in tears just to show people how cute you were. So I am not delusional - I know how it would most likely go - but I would still do it! And might I remind you your mommy hates Halloween :) Mommy and Daddy do love Thanksgiving and Christmas - so if Halloween is a hurdle, then I don't want to think about what is to come.

I love you sweetheart and I miss you.

Hugs and Kisses,
Mommy

Long Time, No See

2006-10-16T08:08:00.000-04:00

DrummerWife and I attended the baptism of a pair of twins who were in the Bryn Mawr NICU around the same time Aaron was on Sunday. The boy, Dylan, was out of the NICU before Aaron got there, but Skylin was right across the room (about 12 feet) from Aaron the whole time our little boy was there, and we got to know Skylin's parents pretty well while we were there.

It was tough watching Dylan and Skylin get baptized in a beautiful church, with a formal ceremony. I know it's selfish and stupid, but all I could think about was "we got machines beeping, nurses running around us, and were restricted to us, and our pastor. Dylan and Skylin get a church, family, friends, loved ones, a whole congregation, singing, the whole deal. One more thing that we get the short end of the stick on."

That's been a big issue for me throughout all of this. I've felt since DrummerWife and I had to spend those hard first days in the hospital waiting for DrummerWife's release, and we had to watch all these happy, normal families celebrate their newborns in the "traditional" way. We had to cry and wonder if our child would survive, while they got to have visitors in to see and hold theirs.

Like I said, I know it's selfish, but so many times I've seen the "normal" family, and said "why can't we?"

On another, happier, note, while at the reception after the baptism, we got to talk to some of the NICU nurses. And the grandmother of another preemie came up to us, and commented on the blog. I don't remember exactly what she said, but she told us that the link had been forwarded to her, and she wanted to tell us that it was evident that we were very loving parents, and that this blog was a "very loving tribute" to our son. That really did help to make my day a little. I finished reading the book I posted about a few weeks back, and one of the overriding themes Mr. Fleming wrote on was that the only legacy your lost child will ever have is through you. And to hear that we've reflected SOME of the love we still feel for Aaron is very satisfying. I only hope we can continue to do so in the future.

Happy Birthday Drummer

2006-10-12T10:29:00.000-04:00

Happy Birthday Drummer! I know that this past year brought more twists and turns than you ever could have imagined, but there is nobody else I would have rather gone through this with than you. Thank you for being an amazing husband and daddy. I know we both are wishing Aaron were here today to celebrate with us so at least so you could get a birthday snuggle. I am sure he is smiling down on his daddy today. Here’s to this year being better! I love you, Drummer – Happy Birthday!

Also speaking of birthdays and celebrations, apparently October 12th is a big day for our family. Aaron’s Uncle Dan (DrummerBrother-In-Law) is also celebrating a birthday today. Yes, my sister and I both married guys whose birthday is Oct. 12, they are just one year apart! Thank you for all your love and support as well not only to us, but to my sister as well– we love you – Happy Birthday!

Finally, I have two cousins that also decided to get married on this day. I can assure you I mostly remember this because it coincides with everything else – I am pretty good at trying to remember anniversaries etc., but these stick out in my mind because I know the date well. So, happy anniversary to The Grabill’s and The Risbon’s. Wishing you many more!

I need to echo my wife.

2006-10-12T07:08:00.000-04:00

I hadn't really thought about what today would be like without Aaron until DrummerWife mentioned her concerns regarding my birthday the other day on the way to grief counseling.

Since then, I've been thinking about it a lot. It just amazing how much of your life becomes filtered through the "Aaron should be here for this" lens. The thing is, if Aaron had lived, or had been born on time, all these things that make us wish Aaron was here, would have been major (or minor) landmark events in our lives as a family.

Well, tonight, we're going out to dinner with Aaron's Aunt Sarah, Uncle Matt, and Grandma and Grandpa Young for my birthday, and then my parents are coming back to the DrummerHome to see the shadowbox.

I miss you, baby boy.

19 Weeks

2006-10-11T15:23:00.000-04:00

Dear Aaron,

Happy 19 week Heaven Day sweetheart! I really hope you are doing well. We have a lot going on right now. We had some of your things framed. It's kind of a mix of things that were yours and things that would have been yours. It's beautiful and a perfect reminder of you for your daddy and I.

Tomorrow is your daddy's birthday. I've been a little sad about that lately. I can't help but think you should be here for this. I know that this is part of the grief of not having you here and it will probably even be worse over the holidays. I just imagine me helping you "make" something for your daddy to give him, having pictures of Daddy holding you while we sing happy birthday etc. I just wish you were going to be here. I guess it's just one more of those things.

Our grief counselor suggested we find a way for days such as these (birthdays, holidays etc.) to acknowledge you and the fact that you are missed etc. She suggested having a special candle to light etc. I think it's a really neat idea, but we just need to find out how we want to do that.

The other thing coming up is on Sunday. Daddy and I are going to see Skylin and Dylan get baptized. Skylin was in the NICU at the same time you were - the two of you had a lot of the same issues. Dylan is her brother, he was already out of the NICU before you came there. They were such a ray of sunshine for us and helped keep your daddy and I positive. I am looking forward to seeing them again!

Well Aaron, I love you very much and I miss you!

Hugs and Kisses,
Mommy

The Shadowbox

2006-10-10T22:52:00.000-04:00

In the above photo you can see the outfit we would have likely brought Aaron home in, the hat he wore shortly after being born, his handprint molds, his footprints, one of the diapers he wore while in the NICU, his hospital band, and two poems (one to Mom, and one to Dad). The blue backdrop on the matting is one of the receiving blankets we had for Aaron. DrummerWife has just informed me that she'll be posting the words to the poems at some point in the next few days.

In case you're wondering, the words on the blue hat read: "Thank Heaven for little boys." We thought it was a particularly appropriate choice.

Pop-pop came home yesterday...

2006-10-10T07:08:00.000-04:00

...which is wonderful news. When all was said and done, he'd required an artificial heart valve (his second), and then he needed to be opened up a 2nd time because he'd popped a stitch internally. All-in-all, he was under anesthesia for just about all of Tuesday, and most of Wednesday, too. As of Sunday night, the general consensus was that he wouldn't be home before today. But he came home yesterday. So, hooray for early discharge, I guess.

I have to admit - it was difficult seeing him in the hospital. I went up to visit him Thursday night with my brother and father. It's amazing how much about hospitals and medical treatment I picked up during our time in the NICU with Aaron. I walked in, saw my grandfather's Broviac (central line), and said to myself "Aaron had one of those"; saw his pulse-ox (what measures oxygen absorption in his blood), and said "Aaron had one of those"; looked at his monitor and knew exactly what I was looking at; and watched a nurse give my grandfather a dose of lasicks (to help him urinate...Aaron got a LOT of lasicks). I heard his blood pressure cuff go off and start inflating and was instantly transported back into DrummerWife's hospital room hearing the same noise and saw my wife getting her blood pressure taken. It wasn't an easy night for me. But I made it. =/

Last night, DrummerWife picked up the shadowbox frame we had made of many of Aaron's belongings (or what would have BEEN his belongings). She had won a $500.00 gift certificate from a custom framing company last year, and we were just waiting for something worthwhile to use it on. Well...we got that "something worthwhile", and then some. So, we took one of what would have been Aaron's outfits, a receiving blanket, his hand-print molds, his footprints, two poems, and a few other items to them and said "mount them." They did a wonderful job. It's beautiful, and perfect. And it is going to be a fantastic addition to our home.

Golf Tournament Speech

2006-10-09T13:51:00.000-04:00

Several people have asked to read the speech I gave last Monday. This is what I wrote up in advance...the speech itself followed this, but after a bit I was speaking through tears and couldn't really read what I had writted :) This at least gives you an idea...

Last year, the weekend after Thanksgiving my husband and I found out that we were going to have a baby! We were so excited – all we could talk about was the baby. We told our parents and brothers and sisters right away and then waited to tell the rest of our family at Christmas. What a great time of year to announce a pregnancy! At eight weeks I started going to the doctor every 4 weeks. I followed all the rules. On March 20th we went for a 20 week ultrasound and found out we were having a boy.

My next appointment was four weeks after that. My only complaint - my ankles were pretty swollen…she looked at them and said the past couple days were unseasonably warm for April and that probably caused them to swell. About a week or so after that appointment I started having some very uncomfortable pain above my stomach. At 26 weeks and getting ready to enter the 3rd trimester I chalked it up to indigestion. I even called the doctor’s office after hours. A doctor called me back and I described my symptoms – she recommended Maalox. By Thursday I was nearly in tears and doubled over in pain. I knew the doctor had to see me. I called and insisted on being seen. When I got to the office they took my blood pressure – it was something like 180/110. I was sent to the hospital for monitoring. I called my husband and asked him to meet me there. I called my mom and told her what was going on – she asked if they should come (they were just over an hour away) and I told her not to bother – it was just monitoring and I would call her later.

I got to the hospital and got all hooked up to monitors. They came in and took some blood. Not long after a doctor came in and was talking about my liver count, low platelets, going to another hospital, a shot to develop the babies lungs…and IV for me - magnesium sulfate to prevent seizures, and finally…we were probably going to have the baby that night. He asked if we had questions – we didn’t even know what to ask. He told us it was preeclampsia – I had read about it in a couple books, but thought it meant bedrest – not having a baby at 26 ½ weeks.

We were transferred to Lankenau hospital where they could handle a baby as little as ours. We were not there for very long and learned I would indeed have to have the baby that night. At first they weren’t sure if I would be able to be awake or not for a c-section. My platelets were dangerously low and if they could not get them stabilized they would have to put me to sleep. After two platelet transfusions they determined I was stable enough to be awake for the surgery. Being that our baby would be so small they really weren’t sure how long or if he would live. If he wasn’t going to make it I at least wanted to be awake when he was born. We were still deciding between 2 different names while I was on the operating table we decided to name him Aaron Keith Young.

As I was wheeled into surgery, I was unaware at the same time the doctor was telling my husband that they would be doing what they could for the baby and ME! They thought they had me stabilized enough for surgery, but they could not guarantee what would happen after the surgery. The “cure” (if you can call in that) for preeclampsia is delivery. After I was prepped my husband joined me in the OR. At 12:45am on Friday, April 28th Aaron was born. It was just over 8 hours since this whole ordeal began. Aaron let out 2 cries that were larger than his 1 pound 5 ounce and 13” long body. Those were the only 2 cries we heard from him before he was placed on a ventilator.

After surgery I recovered fine. I was told I was lucky. Had I NOT gone into the doctor’s office that day I may have started having seizures at home that night. But now I was a mommy and I was okay. My husband and I (and our families) were now on the NICU roller coaster. Aaron was doing great for about a week. We were allowed to care for him, change his diapers, and eventually hold him. Then they noticed a problem in his belly. He was transferred to Bryn Mawr hospital and proceeded to undergo two surgeries. After the second surgery his little body just could not recover. After 33 days of life we had to say goodbye to our son.

You can read more of our story at a website that was started during my pregnancy, www.babyonyoursix.blogspot.com Because of your support here today steps can be taken to continue to research this disease. While, I am thankful for the time that we did have with Aaron, I hope that in time a day will come where preeclampsia will not longer stand in the way of a healthy pregnancy. Thank you all for your support here today, it truly means a lot to those of us that have been affected by preeclampsia! Thank you!

18 Weeks

2006-10-04T15:01:00.000-04:00

Dear Aaron,

Hi peanut, Happy 18 week Heaven Day! I realize a few days ago was also the 4 month mark. It's hard to think right now if you were still here we'd have a "5" month old at home (you'd be 5 months old, but probably more on track with 2 months since you were so premature). I wonder where you would stand developmentally - would you be smiling etc. or still very newborn like? Would you have other outstanding health issues? I guess I really don't have to worry about all that. I know now you are absolutely perfect.

Today I got a really neat gift in memory of you. The PR/Advertising firm I work with through work named a star in the international Star Registry after you. The naming date was dated for your birthday 4-28-06. What a cool thing on a nice starry night to be able to look up and know there is a star up there named after you. What a wonderful way to just make us stop and remember you.

I spoke earlier this week at a Golf Tournament about our story and why you were born so early etc. It was a very nice event. Telling the story was a little harder than I thought it might be. When I looked up and saw a lot of the men crying in choked me up. I guess I never realized our story had that much of an impact on others (outside of family and friends etc.) I want to do my part to make sure other mommies and babies don't have to be apart from each other and I want people to know you and know what a sweet little baby you are! Since I can't show you off I'll just talk about you! I love you Aaron! Meet me in my dream:)

Love you more than than the number of stars in the sky,
Mommy
XOXO

2006 has been a banner year for the DrummerFamily...

2006-10-04T07:01:00.000-04:00

...and that distinction continues to grow.

Yesterday, my grandfather underwent a heart catheter procedure to determine the status of his heart. He was scheduled to have surgery to repair nerve damage in his hands, but do to pre-existing heart conditions his doctors weren't sure his heart could handle surgery.

Well, that catheter revealed that my grandfather had a very weak heart valve. It required immediate attention, and he'll be receiving that attention any moment now in the way of heart surgery.

So, I guess we're all on call today, in case the worst occurs. Here's hoping Pop-Pop doesn't go visit Aaron just yet. It's going to be a distracted day at work, I'm afraid.

DrummerWife: ACTIVIST ON THE GO!

2006-10-02T07:39:00.000-04:00

Today, DrummerWife and DrummerMother-in-Law are attending a golf tournament that is raising money for pre-eclampsia awareness and research. DrummerWife is also speaking at the event, about her experience. I can't tell you all how proud I am of my wife...she could absolutely sit back and let someone else do this, but that's never been what she's been about. She knows she has something that has directly affected her, us, and both of our lives, and she has the power to help.

Also, she's going to become quite involved with the March of Dimes walk starting with next year's event. We're trying to get a team together to raise money and walk, and I believe that DrummerWife will be assisting with the planning of the walk on a local level. She's amazing.

I'm sure Aaron is proud of his mommy, and will be smiling down on her today. =)

17 Weeks

2006-09-27T15:53:00.000-04:00

Dear Aaron,

Hi sweetie! Happy 17 week Heaven Day baby boy! It has been another busy week. I was just thinking today that I wish I didn't have to be this busy, because if you were here I would be busy with you. I wouldn't have time for some of the things going on. Plus some of the things that are keeping me busy are things that I'm doing in memory of you - so I wouldn't have to do any of that either if you were still here with me.

On Sunday me, daddy, Great-Aunt Roxie, Tracey, and your cousins Sophie and Claire did a "Walk to Remember". It was really nice. Bigger than I thought it might be. I was sad at first to see just how many people have lost a baby. We did a lap around the lake. As we were walking Roxie said, "Aaron would like this lake". I agreed and said you would have loved feeding the ducks and watching them. I asked Sophie what she thought you would do and she said you'd try to dive into the lake. Tracey and I told her there was no way I would have let you do that :)

After the walk there was a candle service and when they called your name we took up a lit candle and placed it with others. Sophie and Claire came up with us and put ornaments the decorated for you on a tree. (Daddy and I snagged those ornaments at the end so we can have them for our tree this year). It was just a really nice day. The bonus was that the Eagles won later that afternoon. Now if only the Phillies could make it into the playoffs your daddy would be very happy!

On Monday, I am giving a brief speech at a golf tournament about "our story" so that means a lot more people will be finding out about you. I hope I can do it ok. I am still trying to think exactly what I want to say. I am quite sure I will come up with something though - I never am at a loss for words when I am talking about you.

I love you Aaron - Bigger than the whole wide world!
Mommy

A Good (read: Difficult) Book

2006-09-22T07:03:00.000-04:00

I stumbled across a book last week. While perusing ESPN.com on my lunchbreak like I do most days, I read an article by David Fleming. At the bottom, was the following paragraph:

David Fleming is a senior writer for ESPN The Magazine. His first book was "Noah's Rainbow: a Father's Emotional Journey from the Death of his Son to the Birth of his Daughter". His next book, based on the controversial 1925 NFL Pottsville Maroons (ESPN Books 2007) has been optioned as a movie by Sentinel Entertainment. Contact him at Dave.Fleming@espn3.com

My thought process, after it, went something like this: "Pottsville Maroons? I wonder if that's the team from Pottsville, PA that if I remember correctly, got screwed out of the NFL title one year..."

Then, what I read REALLY sank in. "Noah's Rainbow? Father's Emotional Journey? Death of his Son? I should click that link."

So, I did. And I found this book. I found the publisher's website, and was able to read the first chapter online for free. So...I did. And the emotional impact of reading about another father who lost a son they were anticipating so greatly hit me square in the chest, and I spent the rest of the day having a VERY difficult day at work. But I knew...I just knew that it was important for me to read this book. So, on my way home from work, I looked at 2 bookstores on the route home, and neither had the book, nor could they get it.

DrummerWife tried to find the book while shopping over the last weekend. No luck. So, we ordered it off of Amazon.com. It arrived Wednesday, and since, I've been painfully reading through it, about a chapter or two a day.

I say painfully, because it is very hard to read another man's story, when it is so similar to my own. It has forced me to address a lot of issues that I attempted to brush under the carpet, or pretend that I was OK with. When it is presented to me, in the guise of someone else's story, I can so easily see the people Mr. Fleming describes being representative of people who have appeared in, returned to, or have always been in my own life throughout this whole ordeal. I can read about an emotional response that Mr. Fleming had to the death of son, and know that there was at least one moment where I felt that exact same emotion. I can read him say how much of a help his (whole extended) family and friends have been to he and his wife, and know with absolute certainty, that he is describing my own family and friends. He says how helpful a particular nurse was while his wife recovered in the hospital, and I can pick out SEVERAL nurses who fit the description of Mr. Fleming's.

I've only completed chapter 4, and I have many yet to go, but this IS an important book for me to read. Even though I do so through tears. This is just an important book.

16 Weeks

2006-09-20T22:12:00.000-04:00

Dear Aaron,

Hey baby boy! Happy 16 week heaven day. I miss you! I asked people yesterday to tell me what they would do if they had just one more day with you. The responses were interesting to read. Daddy said one more day would hurt too much if he knew you would be gone again the next day. I agree. I couldn't go through that hurt again. I guess when I was thinking about just one more day, I think more about what I would want to do when I get to see you again. I hope that in heaven we don't have to sleep, because I'll tell you what - I think that it's going to just be a whirlwind of activity. Well I guess knowing that we have forever to do all the things we're missing out on will help us to keep pace.

I've decided what stings me the most is when I think about the people that didn't get to meet you. If I would have known that this would have been the outcome I would have let anyone that wanted to meet you come in. It would have been like a parade. We were so focused out getting you better, we didn't dare expose you to all the germs etc. It's not a regret...at the time we were absolutely doing the right thing. I just would have loved to watch people look at you and "oooh" and "ahhh" over you. I would have loved for them to see in person how much your daddy and I loved you and that for those 33 days what we were like together as a family. You're always a part of our family - even if your not with us and I'll hold onto the memories I have and dream of the memories we would have made until we can be a family again.

I love you so much Aaron!

A million hugs and kisses,
Mommy

If you had just one day...

2006-09-19T14:14:00.000-04:00

Mitch Album has a new book out called "For One More Day". The book isn't out yet, but the theme of it is about if you could spend one more day with someone you love that has died, what would you do with them, what would you say etc.

Obviously, I would spend the day with Aaron. It would be hard to pack everything I would want to do with him into one day, but first I would take him to our house so he could see the home we moved into especially for him. I would spend the first part of the day with just him and my husband, talking, playing, laughing and cuddling. I would apologize to him (I know I don't have to, but I would). I would tell him I am sorry that I got sick and he had to be born early, and I would apologize for any pain he was in while he was in the hospital. Then I would give him Christmas. Invite all of our family and friends over and let everyone meet him (okay so we'd probably need some big social hall area). We would decorate a tree, sing songs, and have "Grandpa Claus" come for a visit. At the end of the day I would give him a bath, get him into his pj's and just rock my little one to sleep while singing "You are my sunshine" and telling him that we will love him forever. I would hold him until well after I fell asleep.

So, I never ask for responses, but I would like to put YOU dear reader in the hot seat. If you could have one day with Aaron I would LOVE to know what you would do with him what your kids would do with him etc. Think of it as group therapy....

15 Weeks

2006-09-13T22:17:00.000-04:00

Dear Aaron,

Hi my sweet baby boy, happy 15 week heaven day! It's been such a crazy week for us. A little rough, but we've made it through yet another week. Sunday was the hardest day we had in a while. It's probably one of the first days when I knew what you would have worn (We already had an Eagles outfit for you) and what we would have done. I looked forward to watching you and daddy cuddle while watching the football game (okay so you might have been snoozing away most of the time, but still).

There is a website someone showed me shortly after you went to heaven. It's www.ispokewithmychild.com There are two parts in it that constantly run through my head lately. One part is the child talking to the parent, the parent asks what you feel now...the child responds, "I feel...love...and my footprints in the sand next to yours. But you can't see mine because I'm standing on your feet while we dance." The other part is right before the child has to go and the parent says, "You have given me more knowledge of love that I could ever find in a lifetime." Every time I read that I realize how absolutely true that is. I loved you from the moment I laid eyes on you and that was in an ultrasound picture where you looked like a peanut. The first time I got to see your little chicken wing arm I knew that no matter what I would love you for all of eternity. It just stinks that I can't show my love for you like parents usually show their love for their children. I have to show it through this weekly letter, or through pictures or donations to the hospital etc. Anything I can find to pour all of this love I have for you into. Don't get me wrong. I look forward to this letter every week, talking about you, showing off pictures of you etc. I just wish I could show you off and shower you with all this love.

I know I am not the only one that misses you. One of your littlest cousins talks about you A LOT. She always wants to know about you. This is the same cousin that asked why I couldn't make you all better. She is a 4 year old that helped me more with my grief than anyone else could have - especially with the why couldn't I make you better question. This week she was at lunch and said to her mommy, "I wish baby Aaron were here. I miss him." Her mommy started to respond with, "So do.." and she interrupted with, "Nikki and Josh!". That story made me laugh and cry at the same time.

You are missed so much here peanut and I know that every single day you feel love. You taught me how deep love actually is and that nothing...not even death...can weaken it, because I know I will be with you again.

I love you Aaron.

A million hugs and kisses,
Mommy

We all know what today is...

2006-09-11T07:23:00.000-04:00

...so I'm not going to bring it up other than to acknowledge what it is, and to say that 5 years later, and today still hurts on some level - I think it always may.

What I really want to say today however, is that to echo DrummerWife's post from last night, I would like to thank all four of Aaron's grandparents. We were lucky to have you all by our side during the duration of Aaron's hospital stay, and for the 27 years of our lives. Aaron would have been very fortunate to grow up with all of you as his Pop, Grandma, Grandpa, Mom-mom, or Pop-pop, whatever. Yesterday's grandparents Recognition at church really drove all of that home for me. When I saw DrummerMom crying as DrummerDad held her after they both stood to be seen as Aaron's grandparents, it made an already difficult morning that much harder for me. I love you both, and I'm proud to call you my parents, and I wish so much that you would have a chance to hold a living Aaron, to feel him in your arms as I was fortunate enough to get to do. I'm so sorry you never got that opportunity.

And to DrummerMother-and-Father-in-Law, I wish the same thing for you as well. I know that none of this has been easy for any of the four of you. Thank you for being there for the two of us.

Also, I want to note that yesterday was quite a difficult day for me. From the moment Aaron became a possibility I looked forward to the little traditions that he and I could start together. And one of those would have (hopefully) been watching sports together as my father and I did as I grew up. Yesterday marked the beginning of what would have been Aaron's first football season watching games with Dad (and Mom). Admittedly, he'd been a little young, and wouldn't have had the foggiest clue what was going on, but it would have counted in my book. As I sat in church yesterday, I suddenly realized what the day was, and that it was just one more thing that I wanted to do with Aaron that I could never do with him.

Coupling that with Grandparents Recognition, and I didn't have a very good Sunday morning.

Happy Grandparents Day

2006-09-10T22:36:00.000-04:00

A picture of the grandparents after the first surgery -
what a relief it was we had such good news that day.)

Well...today at church we took time in the service to honor Grandparents Day. I wanted to take a little bit of time to honor Aaron's four grandparents I wish more than anything else that today. I wish Aaron could be here to share in this day with you all. I wish I could be giving you with a new picture of him or some cute little gift. I wish you could have all seen him in the little Eagles outfit we had for him today while he watched his first football game. Instead, here I am just trying to say something to all of you so you know that we knew what today was.

I was trying to find a poem or something for you in honor of what today means...instead I found this it's from the sermon from Aaron's memorial service...

He was brought into a family that would stand together in love and faith facing what would probably be one of the most difficult and wonder-filled times of their lives. In the midst of facing the brevity of his life, we still come in response to Aaron's life, not only his death Â because he remarkably engraved a place in each of our hearts and lives with his life. We will say goodbye, before most of us have even really been able to say hello, only because we must.
Victor Frankl once said
"We cannot judge a biography by its length, by the number of pages in it; we must judge by the richness of the contents. Sometimes the 'unfinisheds' are among the most beautiful symphonies."

Aaron touched each of you in his own way as baby son, or a grandchild, or the child of someone you care for dearly. There are many in this world who only dream of being loved, cared for, prayed for, and hoped for spread over an entire lifetime the amount that Aaron received in his infancy.

And even though those words are not my words - I do know this...First of all we are who we are because of the parents you were to us. We were able to be the parents we were to Aaron because we had good examples. Secondly, your love and support to Aaron was overwhelming. You loved him and helped us out so that we could spend as much time as possible with Aaron. He was loved more in 33 days than some are in a lifetime and his grandparents were right there with us on the crazy roller coaster ride.

Thank you for everything and thank you for being the best grandparents that Aaron could have ever asked for. Happy Grandparents Day!