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13 Weeks

Dear Aaron,

Hi baby boy, Happy 13 week Heaven Day! I have two things that still have your scent on them and one whiff takes me right back to the weeks between April 28 and May 31 no matter how long its been. I love to smell them (while they still smell like you). I know that it will fade, but at least it will be a gradual thing. I wish I could bottle up the smell of you and have it forever. We were talking last night about things that we don't want to let go or do because doing so would feel like that's just one more thing of you that we have to let go (and we don't have a lot to begin with).

Lately I have been having longer stretches of "good" days. By that I mean maybe 2 days at a time that are better than they have been. Every time I have a "good" stretch then I feel bad, because for me, part of you is the sad/worried/upset/scared emotions. So I get scared thinking I am moving on. The thing is I know not a day will go by in my life where I don't think of you, no matter how "good" things get, really I think it's just the next grief step.

Apparently I thought about this a lot yesterday, because once again I had a dream about you last night. I dreamed that you and daddy and I were at the beach. You were playing at the edge of the ocean and we were watching you and laughing. You came running over to me, jumped up on my lap and said, "Mommy, I love to see you laugh and smile. I know you are sad sometimes and that's okay, you just miss me." I just nodded and gave you a hug and kiss. You jumped down and started to walk away and turned and said, "Mommy I'll always love you and Daddy and I know you'll both always love me forever."

Those dreams always come at the perfect time Aaron...Right when I need them. Even though we don't have a lot of memories we keep making them - like with our balloon launch and next weekend (Sept. 9) we're doing a "walk to remember" for you at the Pottstown Mall. We'll keep doing whatever we can to make sure not only YOU know how much we love you, but everyone else does as well!

I love you Aaron!

Hugs and Kisses,
Mommy
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Comments

Anonymous said…
Josh & Nikki,

Is the "walk to remember" just for family or is it open to everyone? If it's a public event, I'd love to come. Give me a call or send me an email with the details.

Love,
Shanna
4:53 PM
Anonymous said…
Nikki, I don't think I ever told you but one of my very good friends lost her daughter to a heart defect at 8 months old. She often tells me about dreams she has about her. Her dreams always are a message, a hug, or a boost when she really needs it. I pray that your dreams continue as her have and that they "lift you up" as they do her even 8 years later.
Praying for you everyday
5:26 PM
Anonymous said…
We have a walk on the 9th as well :) I love your dreams. I never have had them, I am glad they give you some sense of peace.
7:21 PM
Anonymous said…
Aaron knows just when his Mommy needs him . . . how special that you have these beautiful dreams!! The girls and I talk about Aaron a lot . . .there isn't a time that goes by that we see a balloon and the girls wonder if someone is sending it to Aaron!

I was just sitting here at the computer with the "Aaron CD" playing and thought I would check the blog . . . the music and the blog = me bawling!

I love you darlings!

Tracey
XOXO
8:52 PM
Anonymous said…
Your words and feelings always bring tears. Aaron will always be happy to know that your good days are getting more in number. He wants his mommy and daddy to be happy and he knows that you will never forget him. I can't imagine life without having had Aaron as part of it, no matter how short the time was. He will never be forgotten and will always be loved. Your dreams are a gift from God.

I've got my sneakers ready for 9/9!
10:07 PM
Anonymous said…
Nikki,
Your dreams always amaze me. You've apparently gotten the "dream gene" from your mom (lucky you Josh!); and God has blessed you with these very special and touching dreams about Aaron. Thank you for sharing them and for keeping Aaron a special part of our lives.
12:01 PM
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