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15 Weeks

Dear Aaron,

Hi my sweet baby boy, happy 15 week heaven day! It's been such a crazy week for us. A little rough, but we've made it through yet another week. Sunday was the hardest day we had in a while. It's probably one of the first days when I knew what you would have worn (We already had an Eagles outfit for you) and what we would have done. I looked forward to watching you and daddy cuddle while watching the football game (okay so you might have been snoozing away most of the time, but still).

There is a website someone showed me shortly after you went to heaven. It's www.ispokewithmychild.com There are two parts in it that constantly run through my head lately. One part is the child talking to the parent, the parent asks what you feel now...the child responds, "I feel...love...and my footprints in the sand next to yours. But you can't see mine because I'm standing on your feet while we dance." The other part is right before the child has to go and the parent says, "You have given me more knowledge of love that I could ever find in a lifetime." Every time I read that I realize how absolutely true that is. I loved you from the moment I laid eyes on you and that was in an ultrasound picture where you looked like a peanut. The first time I got to see your little chicken wing arm I knew that no matter what I would love you for all of eternity. It just stinks that I can't show my love for you like parents usually show their love for their children. I have to show it through this weekly letter, or through pictures or donations to the hospital etc. Anything I can find to pour all of this love I have for you into. Don't get me wrong. I look forward to this letter every week, talking about you, showing off pictures of you etc. I just wish I could show you off and shower you with all this love.

I know I am not the only one that misses you. One of your littlest cousins talks about you A LOT. She always wants to know about you. This is the same cousin that asked why I couldn't make you all better. She is a 4 year old that helped me more with my grief than anyone else could have - especially with the why couldn't I make you better question. This week she was at lunch and said to her mommy, "I wish baby Aaron were here. I miss him." Her mommy started to respond with, "So do.." and she interrupted with, "Nikki and Josh!". That story made me laugh and cry at the same time.

You are missed so much here peanut and I know that every single day you feel love. You taught me how deep love actually is and that nothing...not even death...can weaken it, because I know I will be with you again.

I love you Aaron.

A million hugs and kisses,
Mommy
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Comments

emily said…
Nikki,

I read your posts regularly, but haven't commented in a while. Your weekly letters to Aaron never cease to amaze me. It is obvious that the knowledge of love that Aaron gave you was amazing and deep. Thank you for sharing these letters with us.

emily (mle)
7:22 AM
Anonymous said…
Today I was asked "are you a gradma yet"....then the akward moment of the answer. I am always proud to say "yes, I am" and then the story..... I love to share Aaron with everyone. Those times of dreading that question have turned into a joy to share Aaron's story and pictures. We miss you, little precious one.

Grandma W
8:13 PM
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