DrummerWife and I have been re-started counseling sessions with a psychologist now that we've been moved in for almost 2 months. We've met with her 3 times now, and it seems to be going well. Last night, we didn't talk about us, or about what we were feeling, but basically just talked about Aaron. It was wonderful. I love having the opportunity to get all the things I think and feel about Aaron out of my head and vocalize them. It just feels so good to remember him WITH someone for even a brief period of time.
Also, lately I've been wrestling with a degree of guilt. I have to assume it's a normal thing - but every time I go even the shortest span of time without dwelling on Aaron, I feel like I've let him down in some way. Rationally, I know that it's okay and healthy to not be dwelling on him, but at the same time, I feel like every moment I don't think about my son, he's slipping further away from me. And that scares me - he's far enough already. I want to latch a hold of whatever bit of him I can. I worry about forgetting him. I guess I should say that I'm afraid of forgetting him. I would never CHOOSE to do that, but if I can go a 1/2 hour without thinking about him...what if those stretches get longer and longer?
Also, lately I've been wrestling with a degree of guilt. I have to assume it's a normal thing - but every time I go even the shortest span of time without dwelling on Aaron, I feel like I've let him down in some way. Rationally, I know that it's okay and healthy to not be dwelling on him, but at the same time, I feel like every moment I don't think about my son, he's slipping further away from me. And that scares me - he's far enough already. I want to latch a hold of whatever bit of him I can. I worry about forgetting him. I guess I should say that I'm afraid of forgetting him. I would never CHOOSE to do that, but if I can go a 1/2 hour without thinking about him...what if those stretches get longer and longer?
Comments
We'll be praying for Megan and David, and wishing for the best. And God forbid things go badly - most stories don't end like Aaron's did.
We'll be praying, though. God bless.
Just my two cents from someone a little further down the road.
what is the status of your Grandparents (ie Aaron's great grandparents)? Are all 8 still alive? I ask because the only Grandma died about 3 years ago. Her funeral was the first time in about 12 years that all my generation (my cousins and siblings) were in the same city and I remember feeling guilty about some of the fun we were having together. My parents reminded me that she would have loved that.
Also, I would say I don't think about her everyday... I probably never did in my life because she lived on the other side of the country but that doesn't mean I don't love her or remember her.
I know it's not the same with your son... but I wonder if you've gone through this. I say this in hopes of giving you peace when you feel guilt for not conciously thinking of Aaron.
{{{hugs}}}
Yes, while it is not the same, some steps of the grief are the same process. I can clearly remember a couple months back, I would have a "good" day and then feel awful about it for the following 2-3. If I went long at all being happy I felt as if I were being a horrible mom. It also then occured to me Aaron would LOVE to see us happy, more so than anything else. In fact it was then I was having dreams about him telling me he loved to see me smile or hear me laugh. So while the grief process behind losing a child IS different there are some phases of grief that are just grief no matter who you lost!
Thanks for the message!