Baby On Your Six

This'll be quick, I promise. I just wanted to thank all of you who have signed up for our WalkAmerica team, The A-Team. I can't tell you enough how comforting it is to see that Aaron is not forgotten by those who wanted to (and still do!) love him. Team T-shirts are coming. I'm designing them personally, and they're going to rock. Also, DrummerWife and I promise that next year, our team will be far more organized. We've been sort of pressed for time this year, and we've still managed to amass a very large "family" team. If we can keep that level of enthusiasm and participation up for next year, we'll be able to plan fundraising events and the like, increasing the amount of money we can take in to help make sure that the next baby born under Aaron's circumstances has better chances than our little Peanut had.

Dear Aaron, Happy 38 week Heaven Day sweet pea! Tonight I went and got a haircut. As I was getting ready to leave I scheduled my next appointment and I was scheduling 8 weeks out. The girl was looking ahead and gave me the date of April 18 th . I got huge tears in my eyes. Part of me can't believe that you birthday is 8.5 weeks away. I can't believe we are quickly closing in on one year since you entered this world. Your daddy and I need to get moving on what our plans are going to be for that weekend. This week I talked to a couple of people about how I said that someone would be up in heaven with you teaching you how to play in the snow. Everyone I talked to had a different idea of exactly who it might be showing you new things etc. I think it's pretty neat that everyone can have their own ideas on whatever brings them peace or makes them smile when they think of you. Your daddy and I mention different people all the time, but sometimes no matter how comforting that is it...

Dear Aaron, Hi baby boy! Happy 37 week Heaven Day! We had a heck of a snow storm today. Not nearly as bad as it's been in some places, but bad for us. Daddy and I both ended up spending the day at home. We thought it would be nice at first since it was Valentine's Day and all, but then realized we would have to spend most of the day shoveling. Let me tell you, that was some HEAVY wet snow out there. Somewhere during hour number 3 I started thinking about you. What it would be like to let you see you first snow fall...get you all bundled up just to snap a couple of pictures. I was thinking about how you would react to the snow on you face (not that we would have let you out that long at all), but it sure would have been cute to see you discover something new. That is why I can never go long without thinking about you...I always think about how you would react to things or what it would be like to let you see things for the first time. Then, I have to admit very selfi...

While it only took DrummerWife about 2 days to have a dream about Aaron that she could remember, it took me a total of about 9 months. Saturday night, I had the best dream - the three of us were all in our car, driving somewhere (obviously). DrummerWife was behind the wheel, and Aaron was in the back in his car-seat . For the duration of the dream, I just kept turning around to look into the backseat and make faces at Aaron, to make him smile and giggle. If I had to guess, he was about a year old in the dream, but I honestly can't remember what he looked like in the dream. It was great though...to feel like a family for a few minutes at least, even in dream form. Hopefully some day I'll dream about holding him, or playing with him. :)

Dear Aaron, Hi baby boy! Happy 36 week heaven day. I had a heck of a morning today let me tell you. I thought I was supposed to be at an event for the March of Dimes...they had asked me to speak about you. I got a speech all ready and was all proud of myself. Got there this morning and could not find them anywhere. I looked all around and asked everyone I could find. Then someone asked me if I was at the wrong hotel. I called the other hotel and they said there was nothing there for the March of Dimes...I didn't know what to do. I called Daddy and he couldn't remember any of the details, so I went to work. When I got there I looked at my calendar (I had left it there the night before) and found that it's TOMORROW that I talk. I had myself all worked up thinking I had let people down and worse yet let you down because I would not get to share your story. Silly mommy! So TOMORROW sometime between 7:30 and 8:30 I get to give my little speech. I made it simple and...

Things haven't exactly been "good" at any point during the last year, but they were finally starting to feel acceptable. I still don't feel like I'm in control of my life, but I can at least cope with it, finally. It's funny though, because now that things are in a seeming sort of balance, I don't want to upset that balance. It's almost as if I've firmly entrenched myself in a comfort zone - things are OK - and I don't want to add any other stresses, attachments, responsibilities, or requirements into my life right now. I just don't know if I can handle that at this time. It's kind of a "if it ain't broke, don't fix it" mentality, I suppose. But for now, it's working for me.

Dear Aaron, Happy 35 Week Heaven Day sweet pea! This weekend it occurred to me that on Sunday you would have been 9 months old. 9 MONTHS! I can't imagine what our lives would be like with a 9 month old! Daddy and I talked about how we'd really be seeing some personality in you and you'd be giggling and smiling (God knows you'd be absolutely the most beautiful 9 month old we ever have seen)! Every morning I look at that little nose of yours and I just want to kiss it! We're just getting closer and closer to your first birthday. Daddy and I have not decided what we are going to do yet. We want to do something...and we already know the day after your birthday is the March of Dimes Walk - so that will be nice. I've also been asked to speak at two other events and tell our story. Trust me...you daddy and I will always make sure as many people know about you as possible. For a 9 month old you already have quite a legacy . I love you Aaron. Play hard today :) A millio...