Baby On Your Six

Dear Aaron, Hi peanut! We are getting a nice dose of spring here finally. Tonight I was out in the memorial garden for the first time in a while. The coldness and the snow didn't make it easy for me to get out there. I was waiting to meet daddy at the church and just spent some time sitting there. It's always so peaceful there. Last night I was at Yoga, trying it out for the first time, and at the end we were just doing some quite meditation/prayer time. I was thinking about you and for about 2-3 minutes had the most vivid picture in my mind of you playing. It was so nice. I was just thinking about you and wishing I knew that you were okay and happy and boom...there I was watching you. I love those moments and will treasure them for as long as I can have them. It is so reassuring to me. Things for the walk are going full steam ahead and I know that you are so proud of "The 'A' Team". I also was told by a certain cousin, that some hats have been kni...

Dear Aaron, Hi peanut! It's been kind of a rough week. One year ago, on March 20, we went for the big ultrasound. It's when we found out you were a boy. Knowing that made everything switch from, "we're having a baby!" to, "we having a boy!". It was so neat knowing that. It gave us time to plan for you specifically. It's when we started our registry, picked what would be your nursery theme etc. Tuesday night I was kind of upset because I couldn't remember what we picked at your theme. Your daddy reminded me that it was Noah's Ark, with nice bright colors and lots of animals. It seemed like such a big decision at the time. I also wondered this week for the first time if anyone actually bought anything off of that list. Once you were born and in the hospital I was so focused on you and getting you better that none of that mattered. Your daddy and I had such a good support system I knew that I would not have to worry about any of that, and if it ...

So, I walked into Holiday Haircuttery, and sat down next to a young woman and her young son. The boy was probably pushing two years old, if not a little older. He was sitting on his mother's lap, and just talking away. He points directly at me and says "Daddy!" I laugh, his mom laughs, ha ha, how cute. He points at some other woman and says "Mommy!", then at another man, and says "Daddy!" again. Yeah, I know he was just calling every male adult a "daddy" and every female adult a "mommy", and yeah, I know it shouldn't have shaken me up much...but it did. I sat there for awhile as the boy kept looking at me and talking to me, and being generally adorable, and I just couldn't take it at one point. I got up, and left. I can get my hair cut some other time.

Dear Aaron, Hey peanut! Happy 41 Week Heaven Day. We have had a couple of really nice spring days these last couple of days. It's been so nice out. Last night, I started to learn how to crochet. I am not very good yet, but I am going to practice. My friend learned a little while ago and she is making baby hats and donating them to the NICU . I hope I can get better at it and learn how to do that. I think that would be therapeutic for me. The closer it gets to spring the more nervous I get about everything. Last week, during counseling your daddy and I talked a long time about what we would do around your birthday and we are still having a tough time deciding. Our counselor did a good job at giving us some options, but we still need to make decisions. It should be such a fun time, with lots of planning and celebration. If you were still here, you know by now everything would be well planned. Things are just so...different. Right now it's 8:30 and still pretty nice outside. I c...

Dear Aaron, Hi baby boy! Happy 40 Week Heaven Day. We got some snow again this week, most likely the last of it...I hope. Last night daddy and I went to CVS and we ran in and went down the aisle of all the baby stuff (by accident of course). That hasn't really choked me up for a while, but last night it did. I always get particularly choked up by the food and the diapers. I think because when you were sick I always felt so horrible that you were not eating anything. I mean yes, they were giving you fat, vitamins, nutrition etc. through and IV, but the first time the fed you my milk is when they started to discover you were sick. And diapers...I look at those diapers that are so big compared to the ones that you wore and remember just hoping a praying for a wet diaper. It still seems like such a simple thing. Someone sent me this poem a while back...this was definately written by a parent that lost a baby...nobody else could describe it that well.. The Shopping Trip As I persue the ...

Dear Aaron, Hello baby boy! Yesterday was a busy day, we had counseling after work and then church etc. By the time we got home it had been a long day and I just did not get a chance to get on the computer. On Monday I had a very rough morning. I was missing you so bad it just hurt. Normally, I am able to figure out what caused my "bad" day, but that day I figured it was nothing other than the fact that I just missed you. That morning it was like I just ached and my arms just wanted to hold you. Sometimes this stuff just happens if I haven't let myself have a good cry. As many times as I tell myself you are in a better place and very happy it doesn't make my pain any less. You should see all the people that we have walking with us in the March of Dimes walk. That is going to be a nice weekend. Your daddy and I were going to try to figure out what we are going to do the rest of that weekend (since it's your birthday weekend) and get that planned this weeke...