Baby On Your Six

One whole year. It's amazing that it's been a full year without you, Aaron. At 12:44, one year ago today, your tiny heart that struggled so much to beat under all the fluid you had retained since your surgery almost 2 weeks earlier, finally stopped. You were in your mother's arms at that moment. I was bent over you, sobbing, with so much of your family gathered around, sending you off. I know it's probably hard to believe, but the morning you died contained both the single worst, and greatest moments of my life. We lost you, but when you squeezed my finger that morning, right after I told you I loved you, I was so elated. That squeeze had purpose, and meaning, and I don't care what anyone says - you were responding to me. I know in my heart that if you could have spoken in that moment you would have. But since you couldn't, you squeezed my finger twice to say "I love you too, Dad." Since that day, your mother and I have struggled very hard with...

At some point today, you will all be hearing from both Josh and I, Josh said he'd be posting later. But here is my take on what today is, in normal fashion I feel best writing a letter to Aaron... Dear Aaron, It's been a year now...a whole year. I am still not sure how I feel about today. Sometimes I am relieved...relieved we have made it through the "firsts" of everything. But sometimes my heart breaks that we have done the same. In counseling daddy and I were told that for some reason after that one year mark things don't hurt quite as much, but sometimes that hurt it the biggest reminder I have of you. I like to do happy things to remember you to, but I worry that now as one year passes memories will fade. The memories of today are so crisp in my mind, so are the memories of yesterday. Yesterday marks the one year anniversary of one of the best days we had with you...today the worst. I can see daddy and I walking into the hospital and having the conve...

Please forgive the missing 2 weeks of posts. I have been having issues logging in, which seem to have been fixed. I have the letters written but have opted to not post them...they are a little more private that normal and May has been a bit of a rough month. Anyway, I have chosen to share this weeks... Dear Aaron, Hi baby boy! 51 weeks...it seems so surreal . In a way I am relieved. Relieved to have survived this first year. I am not relieved however that it will soon be almost a year since daddy and I have touched you, held you and seen you in real life rather than pictures. We still have the little lamb you were holding the day that you died and a blanket that we had wrapped around you. I have kept the lamb in a baggie and they are both in the box they gave us at the hospital. They have kept you scent. On your birthday daddy and I took them out again and the scent has faded very little. It brought both of us to tears. Something about that always gets me. I love to smel...

So... this story popped up back in January about a then-18-year-old student at Drexel University in Philadelphia who was suspected of killing her newborn child, and placing the body of her baby boy in the trunk of her car. Yesterday, the girl was arraigned, after a coroner determined that the boy was indeed born alive, and lived for about 2 minutes before dying of asphyxiation. The suspicion now, as I understand it, is that the girl's mother may have assisted her in...ending the baby's short life. And not knowing what to do at that point, contacted her daughter's father, who then contacted a lawyer. Which brings us to now: the girl is facing a whole litany of charges in relation to the death of her son, and I suspect her mother will be facing some charges as well. Situations like this always drive me crazy - how do people this sick, and this twisted get to snuff out the life of their child, or throw their baby into a dumpster? Especially when there are families out there ...

Note: DrummerWife tried to post this last week, but couldn't get logged into Blogger. She's continued to have difficulty, so I'm posting this in her stead, only 5 days late. Better late than never, eh? Dear Aaron, Hi peanut! Happy 48 week Heaven Day! One year ago on this date you were baptized. It was also probably the second saddest day of my life. I thought it may be the saddest, but the day you went to heaven topped this day. We had you baptized on this day because it was the day that I had to leave the hospital…just daddy and I without you. No mother ever wants to have to leave her baby at the hospital, especially one as tiny and as fragile as you. I was scared to death. So scared in fact that I would not even get dressed for your baptism. I went down to the NICU in my pajamas and my robe. I didn' t remember that, but whenever I look at the picture of daddy, Pastor Al and I during your baptism I asked Daddy and Grandma Pam why they "let" me go in my robe...