Please forgive the missing 2 weeks of posts. I have been having issues logging in, which seem to have been fixed. I have the letters written but have opted to not post them...they are a little more private that normal and May has been a bit of a rough month. Anyway, I have chosen to share this weeks...
Dear Aaron,
Hi baby boy! 51 weeks...it seems so surreal. In a way I am relieved. Relieved to have survived this first year. I am not relieved however that it will soon be almost a year since daddy and I have touched you, held you and seen you in real life rather than pictures. We still have the little lamb you were holding the day that you died and a blanket that we had wrapped around you. I have kept the lamb in a baggie and they are both in the box they gave us at the hospital. They have kept you scent. On your birthday daddy and I took them out again and the scent has faded very little. It brought both of us to tears. Something about that always gets me. I love to smell it, but it just gets to me (in a good way I think). May has been a tough month for me...just knowing that one year ago at this moment you were still alive. Every day I can almost always recall what was going on that day last year. Last year at this time we were just desperately trying to get you to recover from surgery...and this week also would mark the "life threatening phlegm wad". That for some reason still makes me giggle, I guess because they didn't tell me too much about what was going on until after it had happened and we knew you were fine. I still say OUR child would do something like that.
The one thing I will never forget is how caring people were in the NICU. I know I have said it before, but those doctors and nurses meant the world to your daddy and I. Everyone did. Here we are approaching Memorial Day weekend. Last year I would say that weekend was great and terrible at the same time. Things were so touch and go with you...the days (or hours) were either really good or really bad. We had many different people visiting at different points over the weekend. You had a lot of cheerleaders...especially on memorial day. I will never forget that day for as long as I live. The laughter, tears, hugs, stories...it will live on always in my memory and it was one of the first times I got to show you off a little to people who did not meet you before. I was one proud Momma. I know I've said this before, but I truly believe you may have been ready to leave us on Memorial Day, but you pulled through and allowed us to have the best days we had the whole time you were alive the day after. I still can never thank you enough for that day.
I love you Aaron! More than there are stars in the sky!
XOXO,
Mommy
Dear Aaron,
Hi baby boy! 51 weeks...it seems so surreal. In a way I am relieved. Relieved to have survived this first year. I am not relieved however that it will soon be almost a year since daddy and I have touched you, held you and seen you in real life rather than pictures. We still have the little lamb you were holding the day that you died and a blanket that we had wrapped around you. I have kept the lamb in a baggie and they are both in the box they gave us at the hospital. They have kept you scent. On your birthday daddy and I took them out again and the scent has faded very little. It brought both of us to tears. Something about that always gets me. I love to smell it, but it just gets to me (in a good way I think). May has been a tough month for me...just knowing that one year ago at this moment you were still alive. Every day I can almost always recall what was going on that day last year. Last year at this time we were just desperately trying to get you to recover from surgery...and this week also would mark the "life threatening phlegm wad". That for some reason still makes me giggle, I guess because they didn't tell me too much about what was going on until after it had happened and we knew you were fine. I still say OUR child would do something like that.
The one thing I will never forget is how caring people were in the NICU. I know I have said it before, but those doctors and nurses meant the world to your daddy and I. Everyone did. Here we are approaching Memorial Day weekend. Last year I would say that weekend was great and terrible at the same time. Things were so touch and go with you...the days (or hours) were either really good or really bad. We had many different people visiting at different points over the weekend. You had a lot of cheerleaders...especially on memorial day. I will never forget that day for as long as I live. The laughter, tears, hugs, stories...it will live on always in my memory and it was one of the first times I got to show you off a little to people who did not meet you before. I was one proud Momma. I know I've said this before, but I truly believe you may have been ready to leave us on Memorial Day, but you pulled through and allowed us to have the best days we had the whole time you were alive the day after. I still can never thank you enough for that day.
I love you Aaron! More than there are stars in the sky!
XOXO,
Mommy
Comments
i just want to say i'm so sorry about Aaron. and that he was beautiful. and that i know exactly what counting the weeks is like.
my firstborn, Finn, was born on April 29th, 2005...364 days before Aaron. he was 14 weeks early...his due date was August 4th, like Aaron's but exactly a year apart. we didn't have as much time with him...just eleven hours. he died on April 30th...and so the last day of every month has a special significance to me, too.
i know today is the one year anniversary of Aaron's death. my eyes are full of tears, for you.
and yet they are not all sad...because in some weird way, i feel like Finn has found a little friend. or rather, i've found out that he has one.
take good care.