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52 Weeks

At some point today, you will all be hearing from both Josh and I, Josh said he'd be posting later. But here is my take on what today is, in normal fashion I feel best writing a letter to Aaron...

Dear Aaron,

It's been a year now...a whole year. I am still not sure how I feel about today. Sometimes I am relieved...relieved we have made it through the "firsts" of everything. But sometimes my heart breaks that we have done the same. In counseling daddy and I were told that for some reason after that one year mark things don't hurt quite as much, but sometimes that hurt it the biggest reminder I have of you. I like to do happy things to remember you to, but I worry that now as one year passes memories will fade. The memories of today are so crisp in my mind, so are the memories of yesterday. Yesterday marks the one year anniversary of one of the best days we had with you...today the worst. I can see daddy and I walking into the hospital and having the conversation with the doctor. We had already told the doctors, that as long as they were supporting and treating you we were fine with whatever level of support they needed to give you, but the moment they were doing nothing but keeping you alive with the machines that would be enough. It sounds like there is not much of a difference, but believe me there is. That day we got there and I could even tell the "fight" was gone. You were my little fighter. Every day your eyes would open or you would wiggle around or something when you heard daddy or I come in. That day when I said good morning to you I got no response from you for the first time since you were born.

After our discussion with the doctor we waited. Grandma Pam practically flew out of the NICU to go make phone calls to people. We waited for Grammy Vicki and PopPop Jack to get there and Pastor Al. Everyone else was on their way to be there for daddy and I. So there we were...waiting, holding you and making sure you felt enough love for your lifetime. I never told many people this, because I never wanted them to think it was weird, but after the took you off the ventilator and put you in my arms it was my favorite time that I got to hold you. I didn't have to be careful of cords, wires, tubes etc. I could just hold you like a normal baby. Hold you, love you and kiss you. I love knowing that at least for a short time in your life you got to feel me hold you like that. Leaving the hospital was awful and weird, but nothing helped more than to be surrounded by some many people that loved us. The nurses promised us that they would not leave you alone until someone came to get you, a promise they absolutely kept to us. One nurse told us later that after we left, many of them took some time with you to say goodbye to you. Hearing that meant the world to me.

I have never had such mixed feelings about a day like I do today. Never. I miss you terribly. I hate how one year ago was the last time I saw you...touched you...kissed you, but my love for you is just as strong as it was and will always remain. It brings me joy to think of the things we have done in the past year to honor and remember you and make sure that more and more people know about you. As I have said before, I am and always will be the proudest mommy in the whole world and love to be known as Aaron's Mommy!

I love you baby boy. Happy one year heaven day! I hope even if were sad here you are celebrating in heaven. I know even on the sad days I still celebrate your life each and every day.

Love always and forever,
Mommy

XOXO

Comments

Anonymous said…
To my dear daughter and Aaron's Mommy, the memories will never fade...the not so pleasant memories may - that is God's way of healing, but the happy memories will remain forever in your heart. Aaron was a beautiful baby. My time to hold Aaron was after he left this earthly place, but I felt as you did - I got to hold him close, cuddle and kiss him. As his grandma, I will never forget that. I will never forget the days I sat in NICU with you and watched as Aaron kicked, wiggled and opened his eyes when he heard your voice. What a wonderful mommy you are! To have Aaron named after his grandpa was an honor for us - thank you and daddy for that. We will miss Aaron forever, but more importantly will be comforted knowing he is with our Father and is free of pain. Thank you for sharing Aaron with us for the time he was with us and also for sharing with us tears and laughter through this blog over the past year.

I love you always and forever, Mom
2:07 PM
Anonymous said…
I remember today as if it was yesterday. I remember waiting for a call and praying harder then ever. Even if I didn't think my prayers were answered they really were. I prayed that you both would be able to hold your son and feel the joy that I feel holding my child (nothing can compare to that) I prayed that you would be able to share the love you have for your son with him, and I prayed that Aaron would be healed, healthy and home. Even if the home he went to was different then we all wanted he did go home. The years will go by and time will go on but memories will not fade. Look at how much you have done this year, and how much time has gone by and even to me just a friend it is all still fresh. So for you I think it will always be fresh. I just hope you will heal and forget the bad times or maybe they will just go to the back of your mind for a while. Nikki and Josh you mean the wrold to me, I think of you guys all the time and I thank you for doing this blog to share your son with me. I feel so close to him becuase of this. He is beautiful and will always be special in my heart. I am praying for you today and always. Remember the good times and smile knowing that you are the BEST parents ever! I pray this year will be a wonerful year full of wonderful memories and positive things, and that you go through all of that with your son in your heart and a smile on your face.
Love you guys!
Hanna
4:50 PM
Anonymous said…
Much love to you and your family...dear sweet Aaron touched so many of our lives.
10:48 PM
Anonymous said…
love you all so much!
6:22 PM
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