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Its Hard

I'm having a really difficult time this week. I was so worried about DrummerWife staying home by herself this week while I went back to work - but she seems to be holding together better than I am.

I had to leave work at noon yesterday, and I honestly can't drag myself in today. I just feel so empty inside...and I know this is nothing more than depression talking, but I wish I could just lock myself up in our condo and not leave; not see anyone; and just sit here and cry.

DrummerWife is going to call the grief counselor she was going to meet with next week and suggest we meet her as a couple. I think that's an excellent idea. I need to talk to someone who can tell me how to at least fake being a productive member of society, and maybe convince me that hermitting myself away for an extended period of time isn't the best option.

I just feel like such a zombie - getting up, going to work, coming home - all pretending that I'm okay. When I'm just plain not. Not even close - I'm miserable. I want to be alone. I want to find a quiet place where no one can find me and just cry.

I miss Aaron so much and nothing, absolutely nothing, will ever bring him back to me. All I have are 33 days of fractured, tainted memories - tainted because they all end badly.

Comments

Anonymous said…
Josh,
You are in my heart and prayers today! Just keep getting up in the morning and take each day, hour, minute as it comes. You are greatly loved. If you ever want to talk give me a call, we miss you at Bible Study (note: none next week due to surgery)
Elissa
8:03 AM
Anonymous said…
People will tell you to take it day by day. Well, sometimes life is so hard that you struggle to just get through the next 5 minutes. Sometimes that is the best we can do. Just get through the next few minutes. Than struggle to get through the next few minutes and so forth. I know from experience that if you just keep putting one foot in front of the other eventually you will move forward. You will never be the same, but you will have done it. There is no timeframe on grief and don't let others put a timeframe on it for you. We lost my granddaughter 10 years ago after a 2 1/2 year illness and I still find myself breaking into tears at the oddest times. Remember, you may never be the same person you were before, but you will be a better person for knowing Aaron for the short time that you had him physically with you. My love to both you and Nicky.

Cousin Deb
8:38 AM
Leah said…
I am so sorry for everything you have gone through, and everything ahead of you. Your son lived, and he mattered, and you will never forget him. You have pictures and notes and other family members to reminisce with. I can't imagine you're not going to go through some serious ups and downs - it's how you handle them that really matters. Talk to each other, talk to the counselor, pray, write to us. We are all thinking of you.

Leah (Dottis)
1:48 PM
Anonymous said…
Drummer,
You will be with Aaron again, just not in this world. He is safe and healthy, wrapped in the arms of God, waiting for you.
What a great father you are. I pray every day for your pain to lessen.
4:27 PM
Anonymous said…
I am so sorry. My heartbreaks for you both. I am glad you are writing it out. I keep a journal online and that is where I go and it does help. Whenever I feel those moments, I go and write and write and write.I thnk I may scare some of the people that read it... because grief is so raw. Glad you are seeking out the grief counseling, once again, we are following your lead.
5:17 PM
Anonymous said…
One small chunk of time at a time - even it is minute by minute. It will not be easy for a long time, but each time you get through the next five minutes, you will begin to move forward. Aaron is the love of all of our lives, and will continue to be forever. Cry if you need to - don't ever feel that you can't.
10:19 PM
Anonymous said…
Cry, cry and cry! Noone ever said you couldn't hide away in your room in cry. Cry together is you need to. Crying helps to release so much tension and emotion. It's okay!
8:41 AM
Anonymous said…
Cry, cry and cry! Noone ever said you couldn't hide away in your room in cry. Cry together is you need to. Crying helps to release so much tension and emotion. It's okay!
8:42 AM
Anonymous said…
Cry, cry and cry! Noone ever said you couldn't hide away in your room in cry. Cry together is you need to. Crying helps to release so much tension and emotion. It's okay!
8:42 AM
Anonymous said…
I'm so proud of you guys for seeking out help. I can't even begin to imagine what you're going through, I really just can't.
10:47 AM
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