Baby On Your Six

Tuesday, January 30, 2007

Counseling and Guilt

DrummerWife and I have been re-started counseling sessions with a psychologist now that we've been moved in for almost 2 months. We've met with her 3 times now, and it seems to be going well. Last night, we didn't talk about us, or about what we were feeling, but basically just talked about Aaron. It was wonderful. I love having the opportunity to get all the things I think and feel about Aaron out of my head and vocalize them. It just feels so good to remember him WITH someone for even a brief period of time.

Also, lately I've been wrestling with a degree of guilt. I have to assume it's a normal thing - but every time I go even the shortest span of time without dwelling on Aaron, I feel like I've let him down in some way. Rationally, I know that it's okay and healthy to not be dwelling on him, but at the same time, I feel like every moment I don't think about my son, he's slipping further away from me. And that scares me - he's far enough already. I want to latch a hold of whatever bit of him I can. I worry about forgetting him. I guess I should say that I'm afraid of forgetting him. I would never CHOOSE to do that, but if I can go a 1/2 hour without thinking about him...what if those stretches get longer and longer?

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Thursday, January 25, 2007

34 Weeks

Dear Aaron,

Hi sweetie! Happy 34 week heaven day peanut. Your daddy and I got our team for WalkAmerica up and running. We were having a tough time deciding on a team name. After a couple suggestions from some friends we decided to go with "The 'A' Team". Your daddy got a kick out of that name. I am so glad we are going to be able to do this and I think its even more appropriate that it is right after your birthday. Lately we got some really nice things in memory of you that have been so nice. At Christmas Grammy and PopPop put a lamb in the garden at Tabor - I keep meaning to take a picture of that, it's adorable. Then, Grandma and Grandpa donated a lamb through the Heifer Project in your memory. The lamb is something your daddy and I just held out to that reminds us of you, because you had a little tiny stuffed lamb that you cuddled with in the hospital - it was just the right size for you. A couple more donations came in from the hospital recently. Then just this weekend we got a card from a friend of mine. She was telling her dad about our story and he made a donation to a hospital in Atlanta in your memory. They sent us a beautifully printed card saying so. It just warms my heart so much that even after 34 weeks people still think about you and do things like this. I know you are never far from my mind and it seems like this goes for a lot of other people as well.

I miss you peanut - and so do a lot of other people - that will never stop...

Love always and forever,


Monday, January 22, 2007

WalkAmerica Team Up and Running

We have formed a team for WalkAmerica. It's something we have mentioned before. The walk is going to be on Sunday, April 29, 2007 in Lancaster. Fittingly this is the day after Aaron's Birthday. We plan on doing something either on the 28th or after the walk that Sunday to honor Aaron's birthday, but that is plans for another day...

You can sign up for our team, sponsor our team etc. by clicking on the WalkAmerica banner that Drummer put at the top of the postings. It will take you directly to our team page. That is where you can join our team, support our team, or just learn more about what we are doing. I want to be able to possibly do some kind of team fundraiser or two. If you have any ideas let me know. You can get your friends, co-workers and whoever else to sponsor you in the walk. You can collect donations or you can do them online as well. I am listed as the team captain, but it's really our Family team. Just talk to either of us if you have comments, questions etc.

We'd love to have you walk with us! It will be a great way to celebrate Aaron's birthday!

Friday, January 19, 2007

This time last year...

...I was settling in for a long, quiet weekend to myself in our first apartment, knowing my wife was off scrapbooking away, and we were both looking forward to her putting together our baby's scrapbook at next year's event.

This year, things are just a tiny bit different.

It's so strange to look back at everything that has gone on in the past 1+ year. The amount of changes that have taken place, and how, after everything we're right back where we were in a way. I'm getting ready for a nice weekend alone, although I'll be a little bit busier helping my sister move a new bed in tomorrow.

The more things change, the more they stay the same.

Thursday, January 18, 2007

33 Weeks

Dear Aaron,

Hi peanut! Happy 33 Week Heaven Day. Sometimes I wish time would just stop for a little while. I really hate that it just keeps getting further and further from when we were with you, from when I got to touch you, hold your hand, kiss your forehead, cheek, itty bitty nose etc. I am going away this weekend to go to a scrapbooking weekend. I am looking forward to a weekend away.

Of course every time something like this comes up there are also memories...I went to this same weekend last year and I was pregnant. I can remember your daddy saying he was looking forward to what would be his last weekend alone for what would probably be a long time. We knew once you got here you would keep us hoppin'. I can also remember your two grandmothers "fighting" over which one would be able to keep you this year so that I could go away and daddy could have the weekend to himself. Look, I only like 12 weeks pregnant with you and you were in high demand. I thought about whether or not I would even want to or be able to leave you for a whole weekend. UGH!

Sometimes it seems like nothing is ever easy, sometimes I wonder if things will ever go back to normal again, if I'll EVER look at a situation and not think of how you would have impacted it, changed things etc. I've decided it is not possible. You made a huge impact on me and for the rest of my life I know there will always be times I think, "If Aaron were here...". Also, I am more than okay with that and wouldn't have it any other way. Even if it is only in my head I need to be able to think what things would be like if you were in them. I always hope when we do something fun that you can somehow see it, or know it somehow. That's a bigger question for another day though - I'll never know the answer to that until I am with you again. In the meantime, since you are always in our hearts, you are always in everything your daddy and I do - and I have to believe that you know that.

I love you Aaron.

A million hugs and kisses,


Wednesday, January 10, 2007

32 Weeks

Dear Aaron,

Happy 32 week Heaven Day peanut! Tonight daddy and I went to a meeting for the March of Dimes about Walk America. We're going to get a team together and do the walk in your memory this year. Talk about timing, it's on April 29th, one day after your birthday. They obviously do the walk the same weekend every year, because I can remember being in the hospital last year and seeing the commercials and a news story about the walk and about prematurity and sitting there just crying. I wish we could be doing this walk pushing you in the stroller telling people our success story, but I am just as proud to walk it as your mommy and make sure everyone knows all about you! We also took a tour of the NICU tonight. That was kind of interesting seeing a different NICU. Still brings those memories RIGHT back though. Seeing those tiny babies and remembering how small you really were. And speaking of those memories...we were visiting a new church again for the second time on Sunday and at the end of the service the pastor diverged from the bulletin and asked us to sing "Jesus Loves Me". That is one song I will never be able to sing without crying again. When I was pregnant I sang that to you EVERY day on my way to and from work several times (along with "You are My Sunshine" and once we knew you were a boy "Take me Out to the Ballgame"). After your were born, I would sing those songs to you and you would open your eyes and look right at me or squeeze my finger. Then of course we sang "Jesus Loves Me" at your memorial service. Every time I sing that song I cry, but I still have to try because I am singing it to you...every time...

I love you peanut! You are still and always will be my sunshine.

Millions of hugs and kisses,


Wednesday, January 03, 2007

Toy Drive

See weekly letter to Aaron below in separate post...

The toy drive was a great success (as the picture to the left shows). We would like to thank all of you that participated. It warms our hearts that Aaron was in your thoughts and on your hearts this holiday season. We know there will be a lot of kids that will LOVE all the new things. We wanted to let you all see what we collected! Hopefully next year we'll have the second annual toy drive in Aaron's Memory. Here's the list:

A Baby Gym *this was from mommy and daddy*
4 Fuzzy posters
2 Twenty Question games
13 Teething rings
5 rattles
a rattle/teether
2 mini-magnadoodles
16 matchbox cars
4 hot wheels
High School Musical DVD
Cars DVD
Little Rascals DVD
Haunted Mansion DVD
Air Buddies DVD
Nanny McFee DVD
Barnyard DVD
Teen Titans for Game Cube
3 pairs of socks
1 pair of slippers
8 lip glosses
Stack of rings
Elmo see and say
Latch hook kit
hand held Tetris game
Little People Airplane
Baby Einstein pop up book
Leap from puzzle
Winnie the Pooh Bear
16 coloring books
2 sticker books
1 word find
2 crayola art frames paper stacks
8 packs of stickers (including 1 Hello Kitty - I have a feeling that was picked just for Drummer)
10 - 8 packs of Crayola Crayons
1 pack glitter crayons
3 packs large crayons
2 packs anti roll crayons
1 pack washable crayons
4 packs washable markers
So it was definitely a lot and things for all age groups. We thank you again from the bottom of our hearts not only for the toy drive but for everything in 2006! We love you all!
Drummer and DrummerWife


31 Weeks

Dear Aaron,

Happy 31 week Heaven Day baby boy! I hope you are doing great! Daddy and I had a nice New Year' definately was not nearly as tough as Christmas. We had some friends over and played games...we had fun. Daddy was a little sick before New Year's Eve and now he gave me his cold (bad Daddy!). New Year's Eve was the 7 month mark since you died. SEVEN MONTHS! I really can't believe it. We talk about you so much and think about you so much it just does not seem possible that it has been that long. That means you'd be just over 8 months old. I can't even imagine what you would be doing. I have to look to some other babies I know that were born at that time and look at their pictures and see what their mommy and daddy do with them. We took the toys to the hospital this weekend. I bet you made a lot of kids that are sick very happy. You made your mommy and daddy very proud. There are so many people that love you and thought of you over the holidays. We missed you so much. Things were good enough for us...but would have been excellent if we would have been able to spend them with you. I miss you baby boy. Your always in my heart and arms ache to hold you.

I love you Aaron!

Sweet dreams (I'll meet you there),

PS. You should see my new calendar at work. Your Grandma made one for your daddy and I and it is full of pictures of you. We each have one at work and one at home. I look at it MANY times a day :-)