Baby On Your Six

Wednesday, March 28, 2007

43 Weeks

Dear Aaron,

Hi peanut! We are getting a nice dose of spring here finally. Tonight I was out in the memorial garden for the first time in a while. The coldness and the snow didn't make it easy for me to get out there. I was waiting to meet daddy at the church and just spent some time sitting there. It's always so peaceful there. Last night I was at Yoga, trying it out for the first time, and at the end we were just doing some quite meditation/prayer time. I was thinking about you and for about 2-3 minutes had the most vivid picture in my mind of you playing. It was so nice. I was just thinking about you and wishing I knew that you were okay and happy and boom...there I was watching you. I love those moments and will treasure them for as long as I can have them. It is so reassuring to me.

Things for the walk are going full steam ahead and I know that you are so proud of "The 'A' Team". I also was told by a certain cousin, that some hats have been knitted in your memory and small iron in labels have been placed in them that say, "Made with love by Aaron's Angels". They are going to send some to Bryn Mawr and some to other NICU's in the area. Such a neat idea. I can't wait until I learn to make those little hats!

This weekend daddy and I are going camping in Grammy and Pop-Pop Young's new camper. It would have been great for you. Lots of room and it would have kept you nice and toasty warm. It should be fun, it only it doesn't rain all weekend. See if you can do something about that would ya ;-)

I love you Aaron!

Always and forever,


Thursday, March 22, 2007

42 Weeks

Dear Aaron,

Hi peanut! It's been kind of a rough week. One year ago, on March 20, we went for the big ultrasound. It's when we found out you were a boy. Knowing that made everything switch from, "we're having a baby!" to, "we having a boy!". It was so neat knowing that. It gave us time to plan for you specifically. It's when we started our registry, picked what would be your nursery theme etc. Tuesday night I was kind of upset because I couldn't remember what we picked at your theme. Your daddy reminded me that it was Noah's Ark, with nice bright colors and lots of animals. It seemed like such a big decision at the time. I also wondered this week for the first time if anyone actually bought anything off of that list. Once you were born and in the hospital I was so focused on you and getting you better that none of that mattered. Your daddy and I had such a good support system I knew that I would not have to worry about any of that, and if it got close to time to bring you home, somehow a nursery would get done and stocked. Your daddy and I were lucky, because there were a lot of things we just never had to worry about. We were able to just focus our time on you and that was the most important thing of all.

I love you Aaron, bigger than the whole wide world.



Saturday, March 17, 2007

Not even getting a haircut is easy...

So, I walked into Holiday Haircuttery, and sat down next to a young woman and her young son. The boy was probably pushing two years old, if not a little older. He was sitting on his mother's lap, and just talking away.

He points directly at me and says "Daddy!" I laugh, his mom laughs, ha ha, how cute. He points at some other woman and says "Mommy!", then at another man, and says "Daddy!" again.

Yeah, I know he was just calling every male adult a "daddy" and every female adult a "mommy", and yeah, I know it shouldn't have shaken me up much...but it did. I sat there for awhile as the boy kept looking at me and talking to me, and being generally adorable, and I just couldn't take it at one point. I got up, and left. I can get my hair cut some other time.

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

41 Weeks

Dear Aaron,

Hey peanut! Happy 41 Week Heaven Day. We have had a couple of really nice spring days these last couple of days. It's been so nice out. Last night, I started to learn how to crochet. I am not very good yet, but I am going to practice. My friend learned a little while ago and she is making baby hats and donating them to the NICU. I hope I can get better at it and learn how to do that. I think that would be therapeutic for me. The closer it gets to spring the more nervous I get about everything. Last week, during counseling your daddy and I talked a long time about what we would do around your birthday and we are still having a tough time deciding. Our counselor did a good job at giving us some options, but we still need to make decisions. It should be such a fun time, with lots of planning and celebration. If you were still here, you know by now everything would be well planned. Things are just so...different.

Right now it's 8:30 and still pretty nice outside. I can only imagine the walks we would have gone on these past couple nights. I am sure you would have LOVED going for walks and I would have taken you for lots of them. Speaking of walks things are still going well for the March of Dimes walk. I am glad about the timing of that. This year is really a learning year for us. I can't wait to see what we can do next year! Everyone has such good ideas!

Well Aaron, as always you know how much we miss you! I love you! Play hard buddy!

See you in my dreams!


Thursday, March 08, 2007

40 Weeks

Dear Aaron,

Hi baby boy! Happy 40 Week Heaven Day. We got some snow again this week, most likely the last of it...I hope. Last night daddy and I went to CVS and we ran in and went down the aisle of all the baby stuff (by accident of course). That hasn't really choked me up for a while, but last night it did. I always get particularly choked up by the food and the diapers. I think because when you were sick I always felt so horrible that you were not eating anything. I mean yes, they were giving you fat, vitamins, nutrition etc. through and IV, but the first time the fed you my milk is when they started to discover you were sick. And diapers...I look at those diapers that are so big compared to the ones that you wore and remember just hoping a praying for a wet diaper. It still seems like such a simple thing. Someone sent me this poem a while back...this was definately written by a parent that lost a baby...nobody else could describe it that well..

The Shopping Trip
As I persue the aisles, of the local store,
I see things more differently, than I ever have before.
"Daddy's Little Angel", the embroidered bibs do read.
But, Daddy's angel is in Heaven,and bibs he does not need.
He does not need a bottle, an outfit or a toy.
Of buying those things for him, we shall never know the joy.
There are tiny jars of baby food, that he will never eat,
And tiny shoes with buckles, that will never touch his feet.
As the bikes and trikes taunt me, from high up on the rack,
Tears will break free from my eyes, if I dare look back.
I run off to the restroom, to blow my nose and cry.
I wipe my eyes, swallow hard, and let out a sigh.
I must go face the paper, college and wide rule,
That my little angel, will never use in school.
I hurry past the greeting cards, that the people chose with care,
And I am reminded, of the holidays we shall not share.
In the checkout line I bow my head, and heavy is my heart,
For the family right in front of me, has a newborn in their cart.
Shopping in the local store, used to be mundane.
Now every aisle's full of items, which remind me of my pain.
So, quick as I can, I give the cashier, the money from my purse,
And hurry away from those who don't know my pain, in this foreignly happy universe.

Yes, as much as I really don't like shopping, I would LOVE to have you to tote around and go shopping with. Although last night after our little trip I did have a dream about you...we were shopping together of course. I had you in a stroller and you weren't really old enough to talk yet, but you were old enough to point at things you thought looked fun. That was it, just you and me talking to you the whole time and making you giggle and laugh. It's actually one of the first time I've dreamed of you as a baby rather that toddler or kid age. Pastor Al once told me after I talked to him about some of my dreams that God knows what is on my heart and tries to take care of me. Last night I think that dream was definately proof of that. Something that I want so bad and that was definately laying heavy on my heart...Something as simple as want to go shopping with you baby boy...and even though I can't do it in real life there was something very nice and reassuring about being able to do so in my dreams.

I love you peanut!



Thursday, March 01, 2007

39 Weeks

Dear Aaron,

Hello baby boy! Yesterday was a busy day, we had counseling after work and then church etc. By the time we got home it had been a long day and I just did not get a chance to get on the computer. On Monday I had a very rough morning. I was missing you so bad it just hurt. Normally, I am able to figure out what caused my "bad" day, but that day I figured it was nothing other than the fact that I just missed you. That morning it was like I just ached and my arms just wanted to hold you. Sometimes this stuff just happens if I haven't let myself have a good cry. As many times as I tell myself you are in a better place and very happy it doesn't make my pain any less.

You should see all the people that we have walking with us in the March of Dimes walk. That is going to be a nice weekend. Your daddy and I were going to try to figure out what we are going to do the rest of that weekend (since it's your birthday weekend) and get that planned this weekend. Your aunt Jess is coming to visit this weekend to, her birthday is Saturday. I tell you lucked out in the aunt and uncle department. I know I told you this in the NICU, but it's worth repeating. Your aunts and uncles are so loving and so fun...they (along with your grandparents and cousins) would have just spoiled you to death.

I just flipped my calendar today and the photo for the month of March is me holding you for the first time. I look so happy in that picture. Sometimes I wonder if I've looked that happy since. I mean in that picture you can see the happiness in my smile, my eyes, all over. I know I still smile, but I don't think anything will come close to that day for a while. Also we are going to get loops made at the top of the quilt your cousin Bobbi had made for us. I have it on display now and haven't wanted to give it back to have the loops put on it. I look at it every single day, but I do want to get it hung, so I can part with it for a short while. You're everywhere little my heart, in the house, even when I watch other little kids with their daddies and mommies, I see you and what would have been. I love picturing the three of us in similar situations. I love you peanut and I miss you!

A million hugs and kisses,