Baby On Your Six



Friday, June 30, 2006

I think maybe...

...my post from yesterday may have been slightly misconstrued. I never meant that people don't care about our situation. That wasn't the point I was trying to make at all. What I meant to say is that the world, life in general, goes on without you - whether you're ready or prepared to handle it or not. There's a lot on the DrummerFamily (and DrummerExtendedFamily) plates right now, and the world doesn't really care - it's going to keep throwing stuff at us, and we have to just suck it up, and try to carry on.

So, it's Friday. It's technically a holiday weekend, even though the holiday doesn't come until Tuesday. We're going camping with the DrummerParents, and some other family. It should be a nice, relaxing weekend.

Sunday we've got a going-away party for some friends who are moving to Texas, Monday is our first meeting with the perinatologist to discuss the possibility, and tactics we can employ to increase the possibility, of having other children in the future.

Then, Monday night, we're going out to the DrummerIn-Laws for the 4th, and then we're home Tuesday night. Should be a fun, busy couple of days, no?

Thursday, June 29, 2006

Good news and bad news...

The rest of town is basically flooded under, but our little patch of Pottstown is dry. We met with the grief counselor yesterday afternoon, and that went well. We go back next week. That's the good news.

The bad news is that DrummerMother-in-Law was in a pretty serious car accident last evening. Some doofus ran a red light, t-boned her new car (which replaced a car that got totaled because of another car accident), and sent her to the hospital for a CAT scan. I guess everything came up negative, and she was home last night. But DrummerWife had to run out to Amish Country to get home to be with her mother right after dinner last night.

You know, if there's one thing I've learned through all of this Aaron stuff it's that it doesn't matter what you're going through - life just keeps happening, and the world doesn't really care about your issues.

LIFE IS GREAT! =/

Wednesday, June 28, 2006

It's been a tough day.

I've been thinking about Aaron a lot today. I've been to the bathroom at my office here twice today to cry a little bit. I don't know why, but today has just been really, really rough. I made the mistake of re-reading just about the entire blog today. That didn't help at all. God, Aaron, I miss you so much. You'll never know. You never had a chance.

We meet with the grief counselor at 2:30pm today. It should help...

It's been 4 weeks...


Dear Aaron,

Hi baby boy! How are you doing up there? It's been four weeks since you left mommy's arms and became an angel. What a crazy four weeks it has been! The day that you actually passed, May 31st, was probably the worst day of my life. We were all so sad. It was so hard saying goodbye to you. Everyone knew you for 33 days, but I knew you for so much longer than that. You were with every single moment since November. I'll never forget the day I found out I was pregnant - it was December 4th - very shortly after Thanksgiving. From that moment on all daddy and I did was talk about you and plan for what would happen when you came into our lives. Little did we know exactly how much our lives would change.

April 28th - May 31st, they were the happiest, most nerve wracking days of my life. We lived for you and thought about you constantly. We sang, we told stories, we laughed, we cried, we cuddled and we LOVED! We met some of the nicest people we have ever met, parents of your NICU buddies, your nurses (they were the best weren't they?), and the doctors and surgeons. I am so glad that all of those people came into our lives and we will never forget them. They made our time with you better and made you feel the best you could - and most of the time, despite all that was going on, you really acted like you felt good. I can understand how towards the end your little body...it just couldn't take it anymore. It's okay that you had to leave us and I am glad that you are in a much better place with no pain and no wires or tubes.

Now, we are slowly trying to adjust to life without you in it. I know that it will be a long process and we miss you every single day. It makes my day when I can visit with you in my dreams, or sit and look at your pictures and just spend time thinking about you and talking to you. I know that your spot in the memorial garden is visited frequently by your great grandpa, and many others. Daddy and I even made a special trip out there last week to be there with you. It was so nice. You know we'll be there every time we are out there, but we know you are with us no matter where we go. We took you to mommy and daddy's college, to the beach and this weekend we'll go camping. Yes, we're still sad - just because it's hard for us to understand all of this, but Aaron know this...you will be in our thoughts every single day for the rest of our lives. All of your cousins, aunts, uncles, friends etc. will continue to hear about you and if you have any siblings in the future they will love you as much as we do. Here's a great big ((Hug)) from all of us...you keep watching out for us and keep your eyes open for the balloons that people send up there for you :)

I love you with all my heart!
Mommy

PS. The picture is a little note we made for Aaron while we were at the beach!

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Tuesday, June 27, 2006

Wee. Tuesday.

DrummerWife is scooting out to Amish Country today to visit with some family - should be an excellent way for her to spend the day, and not have to sit at home by herself.

Yesterday, she went in to her office to see everyone there. In our group counseling session, one of the techniques they offered for mothers returning to work was to go into your office about a week before, and get all the "how are you doing?"-type questions out of the way on your own terms, instead of on your first day back.

Apparently it went pretty well. DrummerWife was happy to see everyone as it had been her first time back at work in almost 2 months. She seems to believe that she'll be heading back to work on a mostly full-time basis next week, after the 4th.

Monday, June 26, 2006

First time back to church...

Yeah. I was a little leery of going into church yesterday - I was afraid of how DrummerWife or myself would handle a lot of people we hadn't seen since before Aaron's passing if they would say anything to us. I didn't know if we could handle an onslaught of "oh, how are you two?" and "I'm so sorry for your loss"-type comments.

Fortunately, that didn't really happen. It was nice. Some people did give their condolences, and that was fine. Most people gave us enough emotional distance, I believe. It wasn't bad at all.

Wednesday, we meet with a grief counselor one-on-one (well, two-on-one), so hopefully we'll be able to handle that a little bit better than we did the group counseling. Here's hoping. =/

Friday, June 23, 2006

Better Today

I think, anyway. This seem less...tremulous today. It helped that I was in a meeting all morning, and haven't had to sit a desk staring at Aaron's photo for 5 hours.

It's funny how little tolerance DrummerWife and I have for petty, stupid crap anymore. It's almost like we're subconsciously going, "You think you've got it bad because you had to pay an extra $.02 for a gallon of gasoline? Well, my baby just died. Life ain't so bad now, is it?"

Well, on the bright side, Friday is here. It's almost the weekend, and I'm about 3 hours away from going home, and being at home for as long as I need to be.

P.S. On a fun side-note, Baby On Your Six recieved its 10,000th visit sometime this morning. I take that as a bit of mixed blessing: I'm thrilled to see that many people caring about DrummerWife and myself, and our baby boy. Unfortunately, I'm also saddened by the reason for that many people to care about us. You've touched a lot of lives, Aaron - thank you for being here as long as you were. Wish you could have stayed.

Thursday, June 22, 2006

Its Hard

I'm having a really difficult time this week. I was so worried about DrummerWife staying home by herself this week while I went back to work - but she seems to be holding together better than I am.

I had to leave work at noon yesterday, and I honestly can't drag myself in today. I just feel so empty inside...and I know this is nothing more than depression talking, but I wish I could just lock myself up in our condo and not leave; not see anyone; and just sit here and cry.

DrummerWife is going to call the grief counselor she was going to meet with next week and suggest we meet her as a couple. I think that's an excellent idea. I need to talk to someone who can tell me how to at least fake being a productive member of society, and maybe convince me that hermitting myself away for an extended period of time isn't the best option.

I just feel like such a zombie - getting up, going to work, coming home - all pretending that I'm okay. When I'm just plain not. Not even close - I'm miserable. I want to be alone. I want to find a quiet place where no one can find me and just cry.

I miss Aaron so much and nothing, absolutely nothing, will ever bring him back to me. All I have are 33 days of fractured, tainted memories - tainted because they all end badly.

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

Last night was good...

I can't recall ever being in any form of counseling before, so last night was my first experience, as far as I know. It was good. It was nice to be with other people who had a clue about what we were going through. There were people there in all different situations, from infant death to multiple miscarriages, and despite the differences between everyone's story - there were a number of similarities as well.

After the meeting, I have to admit, I was handling my emotions far more poorly than I had been previously. It was hard to hear everyone's stories, and not have your own feelings and emotions dredged back to the surface, but it was still a good experience. I'm honestly very glad we went, and I fully expect we'll go back next month.

Tuesday, June 20, 2006

Counseling...

Tonight is our first meeting with the parent counseling group at the hospital. It's a group of parents who have lost children either through stillbirth, miscarriage, or infant death. It was recommended that we meet with this group, hear what they have to say and offer us, and see if we want to return next month.

Personally, I look forward to it. I want to hear other stories, and meet other parents who at least have an idea of what we're going through.

Should be fun. I'll let everyone know how it goes tomorrow.

Monday, June 19, 2006

So, How Despicable Can Someone Be?

Let me tell you:

Apparently, an individual who shall remain nameless (but who has a sizable beef with my younger brother) approached him, and actually uttered the words "So, hows your dead [expletive removed] nephew?"

When I heard this, my first instinct was, sadly, violence. I was angry. Disgusted, even. How could someone invoke Aaron in such a disgusting, subhuman manner? Someone who never even KNEW me, my wife, and least of all never knew my son?

Now, after a few hours to meditate on it, I am simply embarrassed for this individual. That he is so base, and so blinded by hatred that he would utter such a horrible thing, much less at a grieving uncle. I can only hope this individual feels as embarrassed for himself as I feel for him.

Thursday, June 15, 2006

Howdy Folks

Long time, no type. I've been busy, and honestly, haven't had much to say. DrummerWife has been doing a spectacular job keeping everyone who's still reading along informed. Not much is going on. We're vacationing in the Outer Banks, and unfortunately, we have to return home on Sunday morning.

I'll be returning to work for the first time since the end of May on this coming Monday. I'm afraid it might be like culture shock for me - I haven't taken this much time off work, like, ever. I mean, it's not like I'm a workaholic - I've been known to miss a day or two - but this is going on 2+ weeks, I believe. And then Monday - BAM! - right back to work. Should be fun.

Oh well - I'll check in in a few days. Maybe post some vacation pictures. We'll see. Later, everyone.

Tuesday, June 13, 2006

Just call us beach bums

Well yesterday wasn't a beach day - so we spent the day walking and biking around time - today well made up for that. Today we spent the entire day down at the beach - like 10 - 4:30 with a short lunch break - and it was great. It is definitely just what we needed I think. Of course I have the photo frame of Aaron in my bedroom and my photo album in the living room so I can look at that at least once a day. And lots of things remind us of him. Josh got a little sad while watching a two year old toddler having a grand time in the surf - thinking of what might have been. But I am so glad that this opportunity was presented to us and I think we're set to have a GREAT week! Tonight we're going out to dinner so that will be nice! Hope everyone is well!

Saturday, June 10, 2006

Headin' to the Beach!

Well, the hubby and I are headed to the beach. We are at my parents house and we're pretty much all packed up and ready to go. It will be nice - we are going with my mom and dad and sister and brother-in-law. The four of them happened to have a house already reserved and after the occurrences of the past 10 days or so they invited us to go along - we very gratefully accepted.

Today we finished getting ready for vacation and we went to the Memorial Garden to visit with Aaron. My grandfather was apparently there today and my mom went at some point as well - so he was visited a lot. I am sure he loves the visitors. I talk to him a lot no matter where I am so I am sure he will be with us at the beach as well. One of the nurses gave us a great idea - that once in a while we could tie little notes to balloons and let the balloon go to send it up to Aaron - we thought that was a great idea.

Well - we are supposed to have a computer at the beach house - if it works at all we'll update and post some pictures. If not I hope everyone has a great week :)

Thursday, June 08, 2006

Remembering and Relaxing

That's pretty much been the way it's been Wednesday and today. Yesterday we went and visited Shippensburg University - where we met and spent the day walking around campus. It was nice. Today we came home, ran some errands, picked up a oaycheck, ran to the bank etc. We were greeted by LOTS of very nice sympathy cards. They are healing to read through and again reminds us how cared for we are.

I know I promised a funeral recap - it was very nice. We sang Jesus Loves the Little Children, Jesus Loves Me, Eagle's Wings, Children of the Heavenly Father, Seek Ye First, Go my Children, and Soon and Very Soon. They were all very meaningful songs. Our pastor gave a very nice message. I am going to give you a couple parts from it - the whole thing from start to finish was wonderful - but I don't want to post it all here - so here are the highlights :)

"We are all more than simply aware of what draws us together, we find ourselves profoundly affected by a little boy named Aaron. He arrived in a bit too much of a hurry, and left in far too great of a hurry to satisfy any of us. He drug his parents through the crash course of both breadth of the ecstasies of joy and the turmoil of tears and frustrations in the weeks of his life.

He was blessed to have what I believe to be divinely chosen parents who would surround him with love and strength through all the challenges he would face.

He was brought into a family that would stand together in love and faith facing what would probably be one of the most difficult and wonder-filled times of their lives.

In the midst of facing the brevity of his life, we still come in response to Aaron Young’s life, not only his death – because he remarkably engraved a place in each of our hearts and lives with his life. We will say goodbye, before most of us have even really been able to say hello, only because we must."

That was the beginning and the part that a lot of people commented on and that we found particularly helpful was this:

"I thought – what scripture is there that would be of help to integrate such memories into our continuing lives – are there any that speak to such a time as this?!

I began to look for them:
There was the story of David who also had a child die that demonstrates the practicality of picking up life again in the midst of grief – while the circumstances are so very different – you see the watching, waiting, praying, mourning, and then finally as he begins to move on, he answers the question of those around –

“2SA 12:21 - 23 …"What is this thing that you have done? While the child was alive, you fasted and wept; but when the child died, you arose and ate food." And {David} said, "While the child was still alive, I fasted and wept; for I said, 'Who knows, the Lord may be gracious to me, that the child may live.' But now he has died; why should I fast? Can I bring him back again? I shall go to him, but he will not return to me."

Now we are going to pack and go to the beach for a week. It will be a nice time of healing and relaxation for us. I think after this past month that it is definately well deserved.

As always, our family and friends are truly amazing. The love and support you have shown Aaron and us will NEVER be forgotten. We are truly blessed and very touched. We love you all.

Tuesday, June 06, 2006

Today is Aaron's funeral

As I write this, Aaron's daddy and I, along with his grandparents, aunts, and uncles are gathered at my mom and dad's house getting ready for the funeral. Everyone is dressed in their brightest colors and we all look great! I am wearing a dress that is various shades of pink and orange with a fun little ruffle at the bottom and my hubby is wearing a bright green shirt with a beautiful green and blue tie. There is coral, green, floral, blue and pink all around us and that makes me smile. I know it makes Aaron smile to. I can't wait to see what else people wear today - I am sure there will be some black - but I think there will be a lot of bright colors to and it will be a sight to see. The funeral is at 1:00 and I think we are as ready as we will ever be. I think it will be a BEAUTIFUL service. One of us will post a recap either today or tomorrow. Remember, if you can't be with us today, think of us, think of Aaron and let him see your biggest, toothiest grin. He'll giggle - I know it!

Again, love to all and thank you so much for everything!

Sunday, June 04, 2006

It's Sunday...

We're two days away from Aaron's memorial service. It feels like the last half-week has flown by in a huge rush. I mean...we've gotten a ton of stuff done and ready for Tuesday - flowers, funeral arrangements, pictures, you-name-it. So, we have kept busy, and I guess that contributes to the "time flying bye", but it just seems like the last couple of days have been crazy.

It's still hard to sleep at night. DrummerWife and I take a lot of Tylenol PM before bed to help us sleep, and it does indeed help us sleep. But we each wake up during the night, and it's hard to fall back to sleep when you're waking up from a dream about your wife holding your baby while you hold her. Then you wake up, realize it was all a dream and that your son is gone, and you just lay there. It's kinda rough.

What else is rough is smelling the scent of Aaron on the little stuffed lamb our friends' son gave him. The nurses wrapped him with it after he passed so we could hold him, and some of Aaron's scent came off on it. And now...it's really hard to get even the smallest whiff of that lamb without crying.

But...each day gets easier for both of us. It's still hard, and I'm sure Tuesday will be very difficult, but it is getting easier.

Thursday, June 01, 2006

Thank you all from the bottom of our hearts

We feel so loved and supported right now and would like to thank each and every one of you. Whether we know you or not we know we are in your thoughts. We told Aaron each and every day how loved he was and I know that he knew that. I know that all of you were praying for a different outcome in all of this, but obviously God had a different plan. There are moments when I am at peace with this and moments when I am not. As hard and upsetting as it was - I am not sure I will ever experience a more peaceful moment as I did when I sat there holding Aaron after they had all the tubes and wires off and before he actually passed. Yes, I did hold him the whole time - at first I didn't think I could but God gave me the strength and I am so happy that I did. Josh pointed out last night that the time they placed him in my arms was at 12:44 pm. Ironically, Aaron was born at 12:44 am - I don't think that was a coincidence. My brother-in-law pointed out to me that Aaron was in our lives for 33 days -and Jesus was on earth for 33 years - so Aaron was here one day for every year that Jesus was here on earth. We have also decided we will continue to post to this blog as part of our healing.

As for the funeral - I will say very generally that the funeral will be held on Tuesday at 1:00pm. Again, if you are reading this and want to be there please send an email to aky.funeral@gmail.com and let us know who you are, and we will send you the details.

Also, please know we would REALLY appreciate that in lieu of flowers any donations be sent to:
Bryn Mawr Hospital, NICU
130 S. Bryn Mawr Ave.
Bryn Mawr, PA 19010
In Honor of Aaron Young

They cared so much for Aaron as much as each and every one of us did. We know that is where Aaron can be remembered and honored forever. And we prefer not to have all the flowers at the church because - well we don't want it to look like a funeral :) Just like I told my mom yesterday - I'm not even wearing black - I am going to go buy the brightest prettiest dress I can find because I want to celebrate his life and life in general - feel free to follow my lead!

Love to all of you!

We're meeting with the funeral director at 2:00pm today.

I'm sure it will be a painful, difficult time for us. But today is our first day post-Aaron, and we must get on with the business of committing Aaron's body to the hereafter, just as we committed his soul and spirit yesterday.

For those of you who are interested, we've set up an email address (aky.funeral@gmail.com) where you can obtain information regarding the service, as soon as we have it available. If you'd like to attend, or simply just want to know when to be praying for us hardest, this is where you should look for information. Just send us an email to that address, let us know who you are, and we'll get you the information you need.

The reason we're not just going to post this information here, is that we don't know who's looking at the information if I just post it here. At least if we can see who's emailing us, we can know who were revealing this sensitive information to.

Again, thank you for your prayers and concerns during this time. We love you all, and thank you from the bottom of our hearts.