Dear Aaron,
Hi baby boy! Happy 40 Week Heaven Day. We got some snow again this week, most likely the last of it...I hope. Last night daddy and I went to CVS and we ran in and went down the aisle of all the baby stuff (by accident of course). That hasn't really choked me up for a while, but last night it did. I always get particularly choked up by the food and the diapers. I think because when you were sick I always felt so horrible that you were not eating anything. I mean yes, they were giving you fat, vitamins, nutrition etc. through and IV, but the first time the fed you my milk is when they started to discover you were sick. And diapers...I look at those diapers that are so big compared to the ones that you wore and remember just hoping a praying for a wet diaper. It still seems like such a simple thing. Someone sent me this poem a while back...this was definately written by a parent that lost a baby...nobody else could describe it that well..
The Shopping Trip
As I persue the aisles, of the local store,
I see things more differently, than I ever have before.
"Daddy's Little Angel", the embroidered bibs do read.
But, Daddy's angel is in Heaven,and bibs he does not need.
He does not need a bottle, an outfit or a toy.
Of buying those things for him, we shall never know the joy.
There are tiny jars of baby food, that he will never eat,
And tiny shoes with buckles, that will never touch his feet.
As the bikes and trikes taunt me, from high up on the rack,
Tears will break free from my eyes, if I dare look back.
I run off to the restroom, to blow my nose and cry.
I wipe my eyes, swallow hard, and let out a sigh.
I must go face the paper, college and wide rule,
That my little angel, will never use in school.
I hurry past the greeting cards, that the people chose with care,
And I am reminded, of the holidays we shall not share.
In the checkout line I bow my head, and heavy is my heart,
For the family right in front of me, has a newborn in their cart.
Shopping in the local store, used to be mundane.
Now every aisle's full of items, which remind me of my pain.
So, quick as I can, I give the cashier, the money from my purse,
And hurry away from those who don't know my pain, in this foreignly happy universe.
Yes, as much as I really don't like shopping, I would LOVE to have you to tote around and go shopping with. Although last night after our little trip I did have a dream about you...we were shopping together of course. I had you in a stroller and you weren't really old enough to talk yet, but you were old enough to point at things you thought looked fun. That was it, just you and me shopping...me talking to you the whole time and making you giggle and laugh. It's actually one of the first time I've dreamed of you as a baby rather that toddler or kid age. Pastor Al once told me after I talked to him about some of my dreams that God knows what is on my heart and tries to take care of me. Last night I think that dream was definately proof of that. Something that I want so bad and that was definately laying heavy on my heart...Something as simple as want to go shopping with you baby boy...and even though I can't do it in real life there was something very nice and reassuring about being able to do so in my dreams.
I love you peanut!
XOXO,
Mommy
Hi baby boy! Happy 40 Week Heaven Day. We got some snow again this week, most likely the last of it...I hope. Last night daddy and I went to CVS and we ran in and went down the aisle of all the baby stuff (by accident of course). That hasn't really choked me up for a while, but last night it did. I always get particularly choked up by the food and the diapers. I think because when you were sick I always felt so horrible that you were not eating anything. I mean yes, they were giving you fat, vitamins, nutrition etc. through and IV, but the first time the fed you my milk is when they started to discover you were sick. And diapers...I look at those diapers that are so big compared to the ones that you wore and remember just hoping a praying for a wet diaper. It still seems like such a simple thing. Someone sent me this poem a while back...this was definately written by a parent that lost a baby...nobody else could describe it that well..
The Shopping Trip
As I persue the aisles, of the local store,
I see things more differently, than I ever have before.
"Daddy's Little Angel", the embroidered bibs do read.
But, Daddy's angel is in Heaven,and bibs he does not need.
He does not need a bottle, an outfit or a toy.
Of buying those things for him, we shall never know the joy.
There are tiny jars of baby food, that he will never eat,
And tiny shoes with buckles, that will never touch his feet.
As the bikes and trikes taunt me, from high up on the rack,
Tears will break free from my eyes, if I dare look back.
I run off to the restroom, to blow my nose and cry.
I wipe my eyes, swallow hard, and let out a sigh.
I must go face the paper, college and wide rule,
That my little angel, will never use in school.
I hurry past the greeting cards, that the people chose with care,
And I am reminded, of the holidays we shall not share.
In the checkout line I bow my head, and heavy is my heart,
For the family right in front of me, has a newborn in their cart.
Shopping in the local store, used to be mundane.
Now every aisle's full of items, which remind me of my pain.
So, quick as I can, I give the cashier, the money from my purse,
And hurry away from those who don't know my pain, in this foreignly happy universe.
Yes, as much as I really don't like shopping, I would LOVE to have you to tote around and go shopping with. Although last night after our little trip I did have a dream about you...we were shopping together of course. I had you in a stroller and you weren't really old enough to talk yet, but you were old enough to point at things you thought looked fun. That was it, just you and me shopping...me talking to you the whole time and making you giggle and laugh. It's actually one of the first time I've dreamed of you as a baby rather that toddler or kid age. Pastor Al once told me after I talked to him about some of my dreams that God knows what is on my heart and tries to take care of me. Last night I think that dream was definately proof of that. Something that I want so bad and that was definately laying heavy on my heart...Something as simple as want to go shopping with you baby boy...and even though I can't do it in real life there was something very nice and reassuring about being able to do so in my dreams.
I love you peanut!
XOXO,
Mommy
Comments
Things like my little realization, and the shopping incident last night, are the kinds of things that most people don't realize has an effect on us - they're the kinds of things that the casual observer might take for granted but that we can't - EVERYTHING is filtered through the Aaron lens. Everything is processed in terms of "how would this be different if Aaron was here?" And the answer is always "it would be better."
Roxie