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11 Weeks

Dear Aaron,

Hi peanut! Happy 11 week heaven day! I can't believe that it has been 11 weeks. As always, I miss you a ton! I was just looking at your picture and every time I do it brings a smile to my face (and sometimes a tear to my eye)...I just think you are so beautiful. Your blonde hair and your little nose were my favorite. I was showing your pictures to someone earlier this week and she was saying how beautiful you were and when she saw you hands and feet she said she thinks you would have been tall like daddy. I thought that was a neat observation. Every time someone new sees your pictures they make different observations. I just love showing you off :)

This past weekend one of your little cousins was asking about you. She asked daddy what happened to you and daddy told her, "Aaron got very sick and the doctors and nurses tried everything they could, but they couldn't make him better." Later I was helping her get her pj's on and it was just her and I and she said to me, "Couldn't you make Aaron any better, mommy's can always make everything better?", I told her we tried everything we could, but no I couldn't do anything. Every time I think of that I still get tears in my eyes. It was such an innocent question and for her, and I know her mommy always makes everything better for her. But, this morning I was thinking of all daddy and I did to make you better. We loved you, we prayed for you, we comforted you in any way we could, we massaged you when you were swollen, we changed your diapers and took you temperature any chance we got, we loved you even more, we sang, we talked, we laughed, we stayed positive, we loved you to the point of bursting and then ultimately we let you go. The more I think about it that was the biggest thing we could do to "make you better" - it was to let you go. Most mommy's (and daddy's) get to give kisses, wipe away tears, or put a bandaid on the boo-boo, but for daddy and I to make you better we had to let you go.

Now that you're all better we continually try to make ourselves "all better" to. We'll never be "all better" until we see you again in heaven, but for now we'll kiss each other's tears away, give each other hugs and keep loving you forever. At least that makes us better, until we can see you again.

I love you Aaron, I am proud to be your mommy and I am glad that even though it wasn't exactly how I wanted to do it, I could make you all better. I'll see you "soon and very soon"!

Hugs and Kisses,
Mommy

Comments

Anonymous said…
I should never read these when I am at work! Your letters to Aaron are.....well, they leave me speechless. But they also make me so very proud of both of you for all you have been through, and for the persons you have become. Many times I have extremely sad for the loss of Aaron, but also for the "mommy" who was before Aaron's dead. After seeing the person you are now becoming, I'm loving the new "mommy" and continue to be in awe of you.

Love, Mom W
Anonymous said…
Ditto to what your mom said! I'm sitting at my desk and, well, weeping. You and Josh continue to be an inspiration to me. I love you!

Sarah

P.S. I have assigned myself the task of checking this before I leave for work in the morning and then when I get home. No more weepy Sarah at work!
Anonymous said…
Nikki,

These letters are so beautiful. I make sure I check in on Wednesdays even if I'm busy the rest of the week! Something occurred to me reading this - most parents have to wait until their babies are old enough to read, and then again for them to be old enough to understand, for this type of "love note" to be appreciated by the kid, but I have this gut feeling that Aaron is already reading right along and smiling with everyone else (what a prodigy!).

Hugs,
Shanna
Anonymous said…
Ditto, ditto and ditto! I should not be reading these before I go to bed. . .I am so sad ...yet so honored to be your cousin!!! As much as Aaron touched my heart, I don't think there is ever a good time to read your letters. They will always bring tears to my eyes. Your mother is right . . . the mommmy you have become since Aaron's passing is SO AMAZING (and I know Aaron is up in Heaven with a proud grin on his face)!!!! Remember to keep all these beautiful letters to fill Aaron's scrapbook.

Hugs to you my darling,
Tracey
XOXO
Stephanie823 said…
What a beautiful letter, Nikki. You are amazing. And what beautiful comments from your family.
Anonymous said…
I agree, beautiful letter. Just wanted you to know you are continually in my thoughts and prayers.

Mary Ann
(mwms from Dotti's)
Anonymous said…
"The more I think about it that was the biggest thing we could do to "make you better" - it was to let you go."

This gave me goosebumps Nikki. What a lucky boy you have.
Anonymous said…
I'm sure that one question from your neice did hurt at the time but you're right.... you did all you could for Aaron and then you let him go... that's what he needed. You guys are great parents.

{{{hugs}}}

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