Baby On Your Six

Dear Aaron, Hi sweetie! Happy 17 week Heaven Day baby boy! It has been another busy week. I was just thinking today that I wish I didn't have to be this busy, because if you were here I would be busy with you. I wouldn't have time for some of the things going on. Plus some of the things that are keeping me busy are things that I'm doing in memory of you - so I wouldn't have to do any of that either if you were still here with me. On Sunday me, daddy, Great-Aunt Roxie, Tracey, and your cousins Sophie and Claire did a "Walk to Remember". It was really nice. Bigger than I thought it might be. I was sad at first to see just how many people have lost a baby. We did a lap around the lake. As we were walking Roxie said, "Aaron would like this lake". I agreed and said you would have loved feeding the ducks and watching them. I asked Sophie what she thought you would do and she said you'd try to dive into the lake. Tracey and I told her there was no way I...

I stumbled across a book last week. While perusing ESPN.com on my lunchbreak like I do most days, I read an article by David Fleming. At the bottom, was the following paragraph: David Fleming is a senior writer for ESPN The Magazine. His first book was "Noah's Rainbow: a Father's Emotional Journey from the Death of his Son to the Birth of his Daughter". His next book, based on the controversial 1925 NFL Pottsville Maroons (ESPN Books 2007) has been optioned as a movie by Sentinel Entertainment. Contact him at Dave.Fleming@espn3.com My thought process, after it, went something like this: "Pottsville Maroons? I wonder if that's the team from Pottsville, PA that if I remember correctly, got screwed out of the NFL title one year..." Then, what I read REALLY sank in. "Noah's Rainbow? Father's Emotional Journey? Death of his Son? I should click that link." So, I did. And I found this book . I found the publisher's website, and was able t...

Dear Aaron, Hey baby boy! Happy 16 week heaven day. I miss you! I asked people yesterday to tell me what they would do if they had just one more day with you. The responses were interesting to read. Daddy said one more day would hurt too much if he knew you would be gone again the next day. I agree. I couldn't go through that hurt again. I guess when I was thinking about just one more day, I think more about what I would want to do when I get to see you again. I hope that in heaven we don't have to sleep, because I'll tell you what - I think that it's going to just be a whirlwind of activity. Well I guess knowing that we have forever to do all the things we're missing out on will help us to keep pace. I've decided what stings me the most is when I think about the people that didn't get to meet you. If I would have known that this would have been the outcome I would have let anyone that wanted to meet you come in. It would have been like a parade. We were so ...

Mitch Album has a new book out called "For One More Day". The book isn't out yet, but the theme of it is about if you could spend one more day with someone you love that has died, what would you do with them, what would you say etc. Obviously, I would spend the day with Aaron. It would be hard to pack everything I would want to do with him into one day, but first I would take him to our house so he could see the home we moved into especially for him. I would spend the first part of the day with just him and my husband, talking, playing, laughing and cuddling. I would apologize to him (I know I don't have to, but I would). I would tell him I am sorry that I got sick and he had to be born early, and I would apologize for any pain he was in while he was in the hospital. Then I would give him Christmas. Invite all of our family and friends over and let everyone meet him (okay so we'd probably need some big social hall area). We would decorate a tree, sing songs, and h...

Dear Aaron, Hi my sweet baby boy, happy 15 week heaven day! It's been such a crazy week for us. A little rough, but we've made it through yet another week. Sunday was the hardest day we had in a while. It's probably one of the first days when I knew what you would have worn (We already had an Eagles outfit for you) and what we would have done. I looked forward to watching you and daddy cuddle while watching the football game (okay so you might have been snoozing away most of the time, but still). There is a website someone showed me shortly after you went to heaven. It's www.ispokewithmychild.com There are two parts in it that constantly run through my head lately. One part is the child talking to the parent, the parent asks what you feel now...the child responds, "I feel...love...and my footprints in the sand next to yours. But you can't see mine because I'm standing on your feet while we dance." The other part is right before the child has to go and...

...so I'm not going to bring it up other than to acknowledge what it is, and to say that 5 years later, and today still hurts on some level - I think it always may. What I really want to say today however, is that to echo DrummerWife's post from last night, I would like to thank all four of Aaron's grandparents. We were lucky to have you all by our side during the duration of Aaron's hospital stay, and for the 27 years of our lives. Aaron would have been very fortunate to grow up with all of you as his Pop, Grandma, Grandpa, Mom-mom, or Pop-pop, whatever. Yesterday's grandparents Recognition at church really drove all of that home for me. When I saw DrummerMom crying as DrummerDad held her after they both stood to be seen as Aaron's grandparents, it made an already difficult morning that much harder for me. I love you both, and I'm proud to call you my parents, and I wish so much that you would have a chance to hold a living Aaron, to feel him in your arms a...

A picture of the grandparents after the first surgery - what a relief it was we had such good news that day.) Well...today at church we took time in the service to honor Grandparents Day. I wanted to take a little bit of time to honor Aaron's four grandparents I wish more than anything else that today. I wish Aaron could be here to share in this day with you all. I wish I could be giving you with a new picture of him or some cute little gift. I wish you could have all seen him in the little Eagles outfit we had for him today while he watched his first football game. Instead, here I am just trying to say something to all of you so you know that we knew what today was. I was trying to find a poem or something for you in honor of what today means...instead I found this it's from the sermon from Aaron's memorial service... He was brought into a family that would stand together in love and faith facing what would probably be one of the most difficult and wonder-filled times of t...

Man alive, are four-day work weeks great, or what? So, today DrummerWife is meeting with a new grief counselor. In light of our first counselor's current health, we figured we'd be proactive and find someone else for the time being. This new counselor takes our insurance, but in an effort to save some moolah, DrummerWife is going to go on her own. I'm really doing pretty well lately, so I'm going to see if I can't just wait it out until DrummerGriefCounselor is ready and able to see us again. Here's hoping DrummerWife and NewDrummerGriefCounselor get along. Also, I think this weekend we may be taking over long-term cat-sitting duties for a coworker of DrummerWife. She's moving, can't take her cat with her, and wants her little feline friend to be with people she trusts until such a time that she can get the cat back. The cat's name is Guinness, and assuming we do get her this weekend, I'll throw a picture up here. And that's that.

Well you get 3 posts for the price of one today :) Regardless, I couldn't go without my weekly letter to Aaron! Dear Aaron, Hi peanut! Happy 14 week Heaven Day! I was getting ready this morning and for some reason flashed back to me on the operating table. I heard your first cry again plain as day. I can remember laying there and after awhile just hearing 2 sharp cries. Not quite what you normally hear from a newborn, but I remember looking at your daddy and both of us were crying. I was impressed that your cry was that loud for your size and I was so happy to hear you cry. Daddy said he wanted to just jump up and go make you all better. They told us after that we wouldn't hear you cry anymore, but just because you were on the ventilator. After that I got used to looking at your face to see if you were crying or fussy. Even if I couldn't hear you I could tell. Then for awhile you were on CPAP and we could hear you crying then. It was so quiet and so cute - you weren't r...

...and I saw a post by a fellow fan of his who currently has a newborn daughter at 28 weeks gestational age . If I remember the details correctly, the baby was born at 23 weeks. She's just had heart surgery and is recovering well. As I did on Mr. Jordan's blog, I'll do so here and wish Sye and his young daughter good luck, and continued healing. We know all too well what he's going through. I'll be praying for them both, and hope you'll join me.

...but how does this stuff keep happening to us? Let's back it up, and I'll explain what I'm talking about. DrummerWife wasn't feeling well last night - just a little run down and tired, most likely. So, I called the grief counselor to let her know that we would have to cancel for the evening. Our grief counselor informed us that it was actually nice that we were canceling because she's been really busy for the last week. It seems she was diagnosed with breast cancer last week, and they are operating on her this Friday. First off - our prayers and thoughts go out to her, obviously. She's been a wonderful help for us over the last few months, and she is really just a very nice, genuine, sincere individual, and we hope that everything works out for the best for her. But, if they're operating that quickly after diagnosis, I'm guessing it's pretty severe. =/ Secondly - HOLY CRAP. I guess we need to start looking for a new counselor. At least for the time...

I got the mail yesterday and there was an envelope in it that was printed with no return address. When I opened it - inside there was a note inside that said, "Thinking of you guys! Have dinner out on me! Your secret admirer" and some cash inside. Since I honestly have no clue where it came from I am thanking said secret admirer here. We made the most of the cash and were able to do dinner and go see a movie! It was perfect. Drummerhusband and I had an excellent time together. We had Mexican and then saw "Invincible" (a great movie about our beloved EAGLES!) We haven't had a nice night like that in a while. Whoever you are thanks! Also, an quick update. I don't have the exact figure in front of me now, but those memorial donations continue to come in. I am just amazed by that! We now have about $1,450.71 Every time I see the total with the 71 cents I get tears in my eyes. I can only imagine the change was something a kid gave. It makes me laugh that it's...

Dear Aaron, Hi baby boy, Happy 13 week Heaven Day! I have two things that still have your scent on them and one whiff takes me right back to the weeks between April 28 and May 31 no matter how long its been. I love to smell them (while they still smell like you). I know that it will fade, but at least it will be a gradual thing. I wish I could bottle up the smell of you and have it forever. We were talking last night about things that we don't want to let go or do because doing so would feel like that's just one more thing of you that we have to let go (and we don't have a lot to begin with). Lately I have been having longer stretches of "good" days. By that I mean maybe 2 days at a time that are better than they have been. Every time I have a "good" stretch then I feel bad, because for me, part of you is the sad/worried/upset/scared emotions. So I get scared thinking I am moving on. The thing is I know not a day will go by in my life where I don't t...

...I posted a comment on the blog of my favorite author, Robert Jordan. He's been recently diagnosed with amyloidosis , and is undergoing recurring treatments at the Mayo Clinic. I've been keeping track of his progress on his blog , and made a comment there about how I've recently begun re-informing myself on his progress after dealing (and continuing to deal) with the loss of my son. Mr. Jordan routinely makes specific comments in his blog relating to those made by his fans. Well, I know it's nothing special, but he took the time to say this in his last post: "For Joshua Young, man, with what you have in your own life, I can’t imagine that you would waste two seconds on this bog. God be with you, Josh. You have my prayers." I'd be lying if I said I didn't get a little bit excited to read that. I actually kind of inaudibly gasped. It's kind of a "I didn't actually expect to even get noticed among the 60+ other comments made on the day of t...

My dear sweet Aaron, Happy 12 week Heaven Day baby boy! I hope that you are doing well. Today was a bit of a rough day for me. I didn't sleep well and it led to a very bad morning. I ended up staying home and was able to just spend some time with you. Thinking of you, looking at your pictures and looking at some of your stuff. It was nice to be able to do that. I thought an awful lot about you today and miss you so terribly much right now. There is one thing since you have left us that I hear over and over again. Everyone says that daddy and I will never be the same again and that we need to find what our "new normal" is. That worried me for a long time. We are still just new at the whole grief thing, so I am not quite sure where I will land, but it doesn't scare me so much anymore. At first I didn't know was I a mom still or wasn't I? Do I have a child or don't I? I now know that I am always a mommy and you are always my baby. There is a poem that gave me...

Wow. That was a long, crazy, busy weekend. Friday night, DrummerWife and I had the pleasure of attending the wedding of a long-time DrummerFamily-friend. My God-parent's daughter got married to an old friend of mine from high school, and it proved to be an exhausting night for both of us - both physically and emotionally. First off, before anyone gets the wrong idea, it is 100% A-OK for you to approach us and talk about Aaron, the blog, or anything relating to either . We do enjoy talking about it - honestly. But I guess that neither DrummerWife or myself realized how much of an impact everything really made on many of you. It was surprising to hear from so many people about how they read the blog every day, or how often they pray for DrummerWife or myself. It really is great to hear. But by the end of the night (after a few beers/wines/etc.) it really started to *impact* us. It's also strange to see what effects us and what doesn't. We were at a wedding - a happy occasion ...

Dear Aaron, Hi peanut! Happy 11 week heaven day! I can't believe that it has been 11 weeks. As always, I miss you a ton! I was just looking at your picture and every time I do it brings a smile to my face (and sometimes a tear to my eye)...I just think you are so beautiful. Your blonde hair and your little nose were my favorite. I was showing your pictures to someone earlier this week and she was saying how beautiful you were and when she saw you hands and feet she said she thinks you would have been tall like daddy. I thought that was a neat observation. Every time someone new sees your pictures they make different observations. I just love showing you off :) This past weekend one of your little cousins was asking about you. She asked daddy what happened to you and daddy told her, "Aaron got very sick and the doctors and nurses tried everything they could, but they couldn't make him better." Later I was helping her get her pj's on and it was just her and I and sh...

Baby On Your Six is 9 visits away from 15,000 total visits. When I started doing this, it was just supposed to be some little corner of the web where I could record the follies and foibles of DrummerWife's sure-to-be hilarious pregnancy. Some family found out about it, and started reading along. And that's basically how it stayed for months. And then April 28th, everything changed, and the traffic to the blog literally ramped up by leaps and bounds. Now, this is by no means Google or Yahoo-level traffic, but it's significantly more than I ever expected to receive here. Sadly, the cause for all that traffic will never get the chance to read to about his mom's pregnancy like I originally intended. Aaron will never get to grow up, and read back about all of the hoopla leading up to his delivery, and laugh about how strange his mother and father really are.

In reference to yesterday's post about the comment spam and the potential for turning on comment moderation... At the suggestion of a visitor to the blog, I've turned on comment validation instead. This requires you to enter a random string of characters that are generated and presented to you in an image before you submit your post. This is less annoying than comment moderation, and prevents automated systems from submitting spam comments. I think it's a win/win situation. Thank you anonymous visitor. You = awesome.

After a horrible day yesterday, DrummerWife and I decided to get out of the house, go out to dinner, and hit up a movie. DrummerWife fielded a fantastic phone call yesterday from some jackass at a financial company who asked if we were interested in setting up a TAP account for Aaron. DrummerWife calmly informed the turd that our son had died and that she wanted to be removed from whatever list his company got our number from. According to DrummerWife, he paused, as if pondering what to say, and replied with "Well...think of all the money you'll save." DrummerWife then incredulously replied with "What?" "Yeah, I mean, think of all the money you'll save not having a kid." "Didn't you hear me? He DIED." "Yeah, you'll probably save a ton of money now." "But we WANTED a kid." "Well, at least you'll be able to save some money." I think from here, the conversation degraded into DrummerWife berating the ...