Baby On Your Six

I got the mail yesterday and there was an envelope in it that was printed with no return address. When I opened it - inside there was a note inside that said, "Thinking of you guys! Have dinner out on me! Your secret admirer" and some cash inside. Since I honestly have no clue where it came from I am thanking said secret admirer here. We made the most of the cash and were able to do dinner and go see a movie! It was perfect. Drummerhusband and I had an excellent time together. We had Mexican and then saw "Invincible" (a great movie about our beloved EAGLES!) We haven't had a nice night like that in a while. Whoever you are thanks! Also, an quick update. I don't have the exact figure in front of me now, but those memorial donations continue to come in. I am just amazed by that! We now have about $1,450.71 Every time I see the total with the 71 cents I get tears in my eyes. I can only imagine the change was something a kid gave. It makes me laugh that it's...

Dear Aaron, Hi baby boy, Happy 13 week Heaven Day! I have two things that still have your scent on them and one whiff takes me right back to the weeks between April 28 and May 31 no matter how long its been. I love to smell them (while they still smell like you). I know that it will fade, but at least it will be a gradual thing. I wish I could bottle up the smell of you and have it forever. We were talking last night about things that we don't want to let go or do because doing so would feel like that's just one more thing of you that we have to let go (and we don't have a lot to begin with). Lately I have been having longer stretches of "good" days. By that I mean maybe 2 days at a time that are better than they have been. Every time I have a "good" stretch then I feel bad, because for me, part of you is the sad/worried/upset/scared emotions. So I get scared thinking I am moving on. The thing is I know not a day will go by in my life where I don't t...

...I posted a comment on the blog of my favorite author, Robert Jordan. He's been recently diagnosed with amyloidosis , and is undergoing recurring treatments at the Mayo Clinic. I've been keeping track of his progress on his blog , and made a comment there about how I've recently begun re-informing myself on his progress after dealing (and continuing to deal) with the loss of my son. Mr. Jordan routinely makes specific comments in his blog relating to those made by his fans. Well, I know it's nothing special, but he took the time to say this in his last post: "For Joshua Young, man, with what you have in your own life, I can’t imagine that you would waste two seconds on this bog. God be with you, Josh. You have my prayers." I'd be lying if I said I didn't get a little bit excited to read that. I actually kind of inaudibly gasped. It's kind of a "I didn't actually expect to even get noticed among the 60+ other comments made on the day of t...

My dear sweet Aaron, Happy 12 week Heaven Day baby boy! I hope that you are doing well. Today was a bit of a rough day for me. I didn't sleep well and it led to a very bad morning. I ended up staying home and was able to just spend some time with you. Thinking of you, looking at your pictures and looking at some of your stuff. It was nice to be able to do that. I thought an awful lot about you today and miss you so terribly much right now. There is one thing since you have left us that I hear over and over again. Everyone says that daddy and I will never be the same again and that we need to find what our "new normal" is. That worried me for a long time. We are still just new at the whole grief thing, so I am not quite sure where I will land, but it doesn't scare me so much anymore. At first I didn't know was I a mom still or wasn't I? Do I have a child or don't I? I now know that I am always a mommy and you are always my baby. There is a poem that gave me...

Wow. That was a long, crazy, busy weekend. Friday night, DrummerWife and I had the pleasure of attending the wedding of a long-time DrummerFamily-friend. My God-parent's daughter got married to an old friend of mine from high school, and it proved to be an exhausting night for both of us - both physically and emotionally. First off, before anyone gets the wrong idea, it is 100% A-OK for you to approach us and talk about Aaron, the blog, or anything relating to either . We do enjoy talking about it - honestly. But I guess that neither DrummerWife or myself realized how much of an impact everything really made on many of you. It was surprising to hear from so many people about how they read the blog every day, or how often they pray for DrummerWife or myself. It really is great to hear. But by the end of the night (after a few beers/wines/etc.) it really started to *impact* us. It's also strange to see what effects us and what doesn't. We were at a wedding - a happy occasion ...

Dear Aaron, Hi peanut! Happy 11 week heaven day! I can't believe that it has been 11 weeks. As always, I miss you a ton! I was just looking at your picture and every time I do it brings a smile to my face (and sometimes a tear to my eye)...I just think you are so beautiful. Your blonde hair and your little nose were my favorite. I was showing your pictures to someone earlier this week and she was saying how beautiful you were and when she saw you hands and feet she said she thinks you would have been tall like daddy. I thought that was a neat observation. Every time someone new sees your pictures they make different observations. I just love showing you off :) This past weekend one of your little cousins was asking about you. She asked daddy what happened to you and daddy told her, "Aaron got very sick and the doctors and nurses tried everything they could, but they couldn't make him better." Later I was helping her get her pj's on and it was just her and I and sh...

Baby On Your Six is 9 visits away from 15,000 total visits. When I started doing this, it was just supposed to be some little corner of the web where I could record the follies and foibles of DrummerWife's sure-to-be hilarious pregnancy. Some family found out about it, and started reading along. And that's basically how it stayed for months. And then April 28th, everything changed, and the traffic to the blog literally ramped up by leaps and bounds. Now, this is by no means Google or Yahoo-level traffic, but it's significantly more than I ever expected to receive here. Sadly, the cause for all that traffic will never get the chance to read to about his mom's pregnancy like I originally intended. Aaron will never get to grow up, and read back about all of the hoopla leading up to his delivery, and laugh about how strange his mother and father really are.

In reference to yesterday's post about the comment spam and the potential for turning on comment moderation... At the suggestion of a visitor to the blog, I've turned on comment validation instead. This requires you to enter a random string of characters that are generated and presented to you in an image before you submit your post. This is less annoying than comment moderation, and prevents automated systems from submitting spam comments. I think it's a win/win situation. Thank you anonymous visitor. You = awesome.

After a horrible day yesterday, DrummerWife and I decided to get out of the house, go out to dinner, and hit up a movie. DrummerWife fielded a fantastic phone call yesterday from some jackass at a financial company who asked if we were interested in setting up a TAP account for Aaron. DrummerWife calmly informed the turd that our son had died and that she wanted to be removed from whatever list his company got our number from. According to DrummerWife, he paused, as if pondering what to say, and replied with "Well...think of all the money you'll save." DrummerWife then incredulously replied with "What?" "Yeah, I mean, think of all the money you'll save not having a kid." "Didn't you hear me? He DIED." "Yeah, you'll probably save a ton of money now." "But we WANTED a kid." "Well, at least you'll be able to save some money." I think from here, the conversation degraded into DrummerWife berating the ...

It's come to my attention that spam has been cropping up in some of the comments in the blog. I don't want to have to do this, but I may just be forced to turn on comment moderation - meaning that I (or DrummerWife) would have to approve all comments before they show up on the blog. I don't want to have to do this for a number of reasons: It's a hassle. You post your comment, and then you get told a "moderator will approve it" before it's actually displayed. We have to go in, read all the comments (which we do anyway) and sort out which ones are crap from the (vast) majority that aren't. It kind of ridiculous that I have to consider this in the first place - some jackass out there sees that this blog gets a noticeable amount of traffic, and posts some spam comments hoping to drive up traffic to his own site. You'd hope that people would have the decency to see what this blog is, and what it represents, and not decide to attempt to use it as some to...

Hi my sweet baby boy! Today is your 10 week Heaven Day. Last night we were with the grief counselor and she told us about another lady who said "Heaven Day" rather than anniversary (the standard) or "Angel Day" and I decided that I like Heaven Day best. I miss you so very much today. Wednesdays get tough for me, especially after lunch time. I guess because you went to heaven around 1:00 - just after lunch time. I was looking at the picture I have on my desk at work. I love that picture and every time I see the frame (it says "Smiles for Mommy") I just picture your dear sweet face smiling down on me. I hope that you got a good laugh out of our balloon launch and watching us at Dorney on Friday. I told Daddy that I bet you were having a good time watching us have fun on Friday. Every day we get further from the due date I know that you are definitely not coming home - not that I didn't know that before but it's just more...final. Last night I had a d...

And the little ceremony-thingy we did pre-Dorney on Friday was wonderful. But Saturday, the day after, was tough. I made the terrible, terrible mistake of picking up and reading through We Were Gonna Have a Baby, But We Had an Angel Instead on Saturday morning. I was fine with it, right up until the end of the book, where there's a picture of the little boy from the book and his dog, and he says something to the effect of "I'm sorry if the same thing happened to you." I just lost it, and spent a solid 20-30 minutes just crying. From there, it took me another hour or so to really get myself together again. DrummerWife and I had to cancel on spending the day camping with my parents - and we just spent the day together at home. We really needed it. Sometimes the best thing you can do is just spend a day where you're on your own. It can do wonders to recuperate yourself.

We really had a nice day today actually. We started out at our church and had some time in the sanctuary for some time of reflection, prayers and sharing. It got pretty emotional during that. After that, we went out front to do a balloon launch. We all wrote notes and attached them to the balloons. The balloon launch...well it didn't quite go as planned we learned a couple things... 1. A full sheet of paper is a little to heavy - it is doable but one must tie the note up close to the balloon and fold up the sheet. Punch the hole closer to the middle of the paper. 2. Do try to steer clear of trees if at all possible. Daddy's balloon got caught it two different trees - eventually it did work itself free - thank goodness it was a breezy day. Mommy's note fell of somewhere near the beginning and then went into the woods - it too eventually worked itself free. Grandma W's - went low - first into the trash cans and then into the woods - it either worked free or became food fo...

Dear Aaron, Hi peanut! Another Wednesday...another week. This week might have been your birthday. Mommy's due date was August 4th - this Friday. This week is a little tougher on me. I should be anxiously awaiting your arrival, but you've been here, made an impact on people's lives and have been gone for 9 weeks. I can hardly believe it. Tonight, daddy and I were talking about expectations we had for you. It was an assignment that our grief counselor gave us. Daddy talked a lot about when you were older and how the two of you could play catch, you could teach your younger brother or sister things, etc. I couldn't quit thinking about right now I would be getting ready to hold you for the first time, kiss you for the first time, and see you for the first time. Don't get me wrong, I couldn't be happier that I already held you, kissed you, snuggled with you, sang to you and told you all of our stories, it's just I wish you were still here and we'd be getting ...

...is the date that DrummerWife and I have been waiting for. It's the big day, the day that Aaron was SUPPOSED to be born. Or, if you prefer, after he WAS born, the day he was SUPPOSED to come home from the hospital. Now, this Friday is just another day. But it's not. Not really. Maybe in the years to come it will become something close to just another day - but for this year, at least, it will be The Day That Wasn't. At the advice of our grief counselor, we're trying to settle on a way to acknowledge the 4th. We want to do something to just say "Today is August 4th, it was supposed to be a day of joy, but now it is a day of remembrance and grief." Then, we want to do something for us - something enjoyable, relaxing, and/or fun. We have some ideas. We'll see what we decide on.

I received an email today from Bryn Mawr Hospital. They were letting me know that as of today 22 memorial contributions totaling $1,198.71 has been contributed in memory of Aaron and they still get them frequently. When we first decided to have contributions made there in his name we were hoping to hit at least $1,000 so his name could be put on a plaque outside the NICU. We thought it might take time, but it would be really neat to see. We intended to continue to make gifts there in his name on holidays, birthdays etc. So we figured we would get there eventually. I am so happy we will be able to do that sooner than I ever expected and I am also glad that we will be able to continue to help the NICU out. We receive letters saying who donated as they come in, but we didn't know a total amount. To be able to forever honor Aaron's life in this way makes me one proud momma. As a side note - a girl that I know from a forum on pre-eclampsia (the reason I had to have Aaron early) sent...

To my sweet baby boy: Aaron, I can hardly believe it has been 8 weeks and at the same time sometimes I wonder if it was a lifetime ago. Earlier today I was thinking about when you started yawning. That was what I thought would be the first of many "milestones" I would see you go through. I thought it was neat that I got to experience that - when many mothers don't experience seeing the first yawns because they occur in the womb. Little did I know that would be the last milestone I saw. I guess technically the first milestone was your first poop, I remember how excited daddy and I were for that one - but I must say, sweetie, the whole yawn thing was A LOT cuter. I read something last week that has continued to comfort me through all of this. It was written to mommy and daddy's and it said - "Take comfort in the fact that the only thing your child will ever know is love." Boy were you loved. I know I told you every day how loved you were and how lucky we were....

Well, I just made the mistake of re-reading the comments many of you left here on the day Aaron died, and on the day of his funeral. I say it was a mistake because I'm now fighting back tears, and failing. Every day I go forward thinking I'm getting better at handling all of this. I see DrummerWife crying as she journals her pain and experiences, and I think to myself, "You're OK. You're handling this. You're not crying, you're not having trouble going through the day. You're improving." And that may be true to a degree - but just reading the beautiful wishes, prayers, and consolations you have all sent to us here reduced me to a teary-eyed mess. At my desk. At work. I love Aaron so much. That will always be true. And it is such a wonderful thing to know that many of you loved him too, in your own ways. How many people can say that? How many people know, with all certainty, that their child (especially one who lived for such a short time) had such ...

With what would have been Aaron's due date quickly approaching, DrummerWife has arranged with her employer to only work 3-day work weeks until August 4th. Our counselor warned her that the next few weeks could be very difficult, but that things might start improving after the 4th. So, in light of that, DrummerWife has worked out a deal to work Tuesday-Thursday until then. Thus, she is at home today. After a wonderful day yesterday. We were camping this past weekend. Before we left Sunday afternoon, Nikki spent the morning showing photos of Aaron to my aunts, uncle, grandmother and cousins. I think it did her good, and I know it did me good to get to talk about him again. We've also worked out that, come Easter, when my family does our annual "spring birthday party" for all of the Young clan whose birthdays fall into the Spring/Summer part of the year, Aaron's name will be included on the birthday cake. I think that when we gather around to sing Happy Birthday to A...

It's Friday. We've got some weekend plans. We're going camping near State College, PA with some extended DrummerFamily and my parents. It should be a good time. But camping is hard for the DrummerWife. Her philosophy on it is this - camping is one of the things we NEVER thought we'd do at this time of the year. She's supposed to be very pregnant right now. Camping should be the last thing we were going to be thinking about doing. That's why we're probably not going to do the annual Labor Day camping trip we usually take to Knox, PA this year. Originally, Aaron would have been about 4 weeks old at that point, and our thinking was that we: A) wouldn't want to take a 4-week-old camping -and- B) didn't want to risk taking a 4-week-old to western PA in the September to deal with the cold nights. Now, none of that is an issue. But once you get it in your head that you won't be doing something because of your new son, it's hard to make yourself do ...