Baby On Your Six

Two-years ago on May 31st, the world I knew was destroyed. I say this not in a depressing way, but more in a look how far we have come way. Two years ago, our baby boy went to heaven. We were crushed. Josh and I as well as our families. For someone so sweet and innocent to die was beyond our comprehension. I have been writing this entry in my head for 4 days now, but I wanted to get some of it down on paper. To have something go that wrong in your life is truly a life changing experiment. We started counseling right away and were told that we would need to work on finding the "new" us. I am really not sure what that means, but I know we have found it - or at least that we have found some of it. I have changed in the last two years and I know Josh has as well. We have done all that we can think to do to remember Aaron. We have met some amazing people and gotten close to them that have also lost a baby. We have in two years had two very successful March for Babies t...

Dear Aaron, Happy Birthday, peanut! 2 years...Wow! Last year on your birthday I spent a lot of time remembering what happened the year you were born. This year I spent a lot of time thinking about what would have been. What it would be like to have a 2 year old running around. What it would have been like to throw a second birthday party. My guess would be that at this age you'd be into trains, trucks, airplanes etc. On Saturday we had a party for our March for Babies team. Daddy and I and the kids let balloons go for you and yelled, "Happy Birthday Aaron!" We were at the church and right by the memorial garden. We had a very nice party. On Sunday we did the March for Babies and we proudly wore our A-Team T-shirts. We did SO well this year. We raised over $6,300!!! All in memory of you! It made mommy and daddy so proud that we were able to do that. We were just thrilled. Yesterday, Daddy and I took off...we went to lunch with Grandma Pam, Grandpa Keith an...

It's incredibly easy to get down during this time of the year, feeling like something (someone) is missing, and that the holidays are just a charade without it (them). However, I've decided to try and remain focused on the good things that have come out of losing Aaron - namely, our now 2 nd annual toy drive (which is shaping up to be significantly larger than last years', our March of Dimes walk team which raised over $4,000 last year (and is aiming even higher this year), and the ongoing Aaron's Angels project ( preemie -sized knit caps which are distributed to various NICUs ). Aaron may not have been around long, but he sure left a big mark, huh? Finally, DrummerWife and I had the chance to meet David Fleming, the author of Noah's Rainbow , over the weekend at a book signing in Harrisburg. He was there to sign and promote his new book, titled Breaker Boys , about the Pottsville Maroons. We asked David to sign a copy of his new book, and asked if he wouldn...

Hi folks. Long time, no post. Sorry about that. Anyway - DrummerWife and I would like to announce that we are going to be doing our little toy drive again this year, in Aaron's honor. We've contacted the Hershey Medical Center, and received a list of items they can accept for the children's ward. Without further ado, here's their wish list: Holiday Wish List 2007 Penn State Children’s Hospital Child Life Program All Ages Pre -Paid Phone Cards-60 minutes $5-$10 Gift certificates - Old Navy, Best Buy, Circuit City, Toys R Us, Dick’s Sporting Goods, i Tunes, Target, Blockbuster, Bath & Body Works New release DVD - G, PG, PG-13 New release CD’s - Lullabies, Disney, Teen New release PS 2, X-box 360, Game Cube games - rated E only 8-Pack crayons (can not accept 24 or 64 count boxes) 8-Pack Classic Crayola Washable Markers-Broad tipped Blank CD- RW ’s Children’s Cartoon Band-aids Model Magic-individual packets-all colors Color Wonder Activity Pad and Marker Set (no finge...

Last night was a scary for my family. My sister called my mom last evening and said the house 3 homes down from them was on fire and something exploded. The fire was large and because they are in attached townhomes they did not know if it was going to spread to their house. She told my mom to call people and ask them to pray...we immediately began calling family and I had Josh call his parents to put it on their prayer chain. The story is long and complicated, there were two deaths, however they found that the children that lived their initially thought to be dead were safe. It is all under investigation. However, my sister and brother-in-law (and my puppy niece Daisey) are all safe. They were lucky enough to even be cleared to re-enter and sleep in their house tonight. There were 3 other families who sustained damage and had to stay elsewhere. It was a crazy night. I talked to my sister this morning for about 30 minutes and I could still tell she was a little shaken up. We ...

Dear Aaron, Hi sweet pea! We are back from Disney and we had a WONDERFUL time. We were a little worried (along with others) about how it would be seeing all the kids etc, but it didn't really bother daddy and I. It was so nice to be away and be doing such fun things! One night while we were there I was lucky enough to have a dream about you and daddy and I being in Disney together. We were having so much fun. Riding rides, watching shows, hearing you giggle, even hearing you cry a little...it was very nice to have that dream. We even took you to meet Mickey. I wish we could have done it for real, but for the time being I will take the dream. Thanks for meeting me there. Now today, the Phillies start their playoff series with their first game. I have no doubt that daddy would have had me dress you in Phillies gear today. How I would love to see you watch the game with daddy...napping on his lap or just to watch you play in the living room while daddy watched the game. T...

Dear Aaron, Hi baby boy! It's been about a month since I last wrote here, but things have mainly been the same. Not too much new to report. Daddy and I are getting ready to go on vacation. This is our first planned vacation since you were born (we did have an unplanned vacation last year to the beach right after your memorial service, but that was because Grandma, Grandpa, Aunt Jess and Uncle Dan already had a beach house reserved). This time we have been planning for quite some time and we are going to Disney. This trip has been a long time in the making. Grammy and PopPop wanted to take daddy and I for a while, then I got pregnant so we kind of put the trip on hold. Then we started planning for you to go with us. Now, it's back to just us going again. My how plans change. I am really looking forward to going...I have never been there, but today I can't stop thinking what it would be like to take you there. I know some people are worried because there are going to be kids ...

Robert Jordan, author of the long-running Wheel of Time fantasy series passed away yesterday, due to complications from cardioid amyloidosis. His real name is James Rigney, and in addition to being the author of the WoT series, he was a civil war historical writer, a graduate of the Citadel (with a degree in Physics), and served honorably in the Army during two tours in Vietnam, receiving the Distinguished Flying Cross with bronze oak leaf cluster, the Bronze Star with "V" and bronze oak leaf cluster, and two Vietnamese Gallantry Crosses with palm medals. Some of you may remember that last year, after I commented at his blog (which was set up so that Mr. Rigney could correspond with his fans and used heavily to keep fans up-to-date regarding his illness) that I was happy to see he was still healthy and fighting after I had lost touch during Aaron's brief time with us and the immediate aftermath of his loss, Mr. Rigney briefly responded to me personally in one of his pos...

With today being well, what today is , I can't help but think of the parents who have to explain the events that occurred 6 years ago today to children who are just becoming old enough to understand all the remembrances that will be going on today; much less parents who had to explain the events of 9/11 to children as they were occurring live on TV and in the days following. I remember commenting to DrummerWife when she was pregnant with Aaron that I didn't look forward to the day when I had to explain terrorism to my child when they were old enough to understand. Unfortunately, I won't have the opportunity until a second DrummerChild comes into the picture, but the fact remains that there are parents out there who have to come to grips with sitting a child down and explaining that there are people out there who want to hurt and kill people like their mommy and daddy, and their friends mommy's and daddy's, and THEM , just because of who they are, and how they l...

So, I was driving home yesterday afternoon, minding my own business, and flipping through radio stations. I came upon the Cure song "Pictures of You", and the first verse set me thinking about Aaron: I've been looking so long at these pictures of you That I almost believe that they're real I've been living so long with my pictures of you That I almost believe that the pictures are All I can feel Then, I flipped stations, and was lucky enough to catch the very beginning of the Beatles' "Let It Be". The two combined just put me into a very reflective, slightly depressed mood. Then, last night, right before bed, at the end of iCaught (this "Internet fad" news show on ABC) they showed a montage of people's videos and photos summing up their "week in 3 words." One of the videos they showed was just a guy fighting back tears, the pain obvious on his face, and held a sheet of paper that read simply "we just miscarried." T...

Today is our 3rd Anniversary. 3 years ago I married the love of my life it was SUCH a wonderful day. I would have never believed that in 3 years we would have had the life experiences that we have had. We have lived in 3 places (each one getting progressively better than the next). Our first apartment was so charming...put it this way...if I ever think a house is charming again I am running the other way. Our second place we moved into because I was pregnant and there was no way we could have a baby in the "charming" first apartment. We moved into a condo to prepare for Aaron...only to welcome him into the world about 12 days later. We welcomed the most beautiful baby boy into the world and I watched as my husband instantly became a daddy when he heard Aaron's first cry. When I originally found out our due date (August 4th) we talked about how we would be spending out second wedding anniversary at home with the baby. While we did have a pretty low key day last ye...

Dear Aaron, Hi baby boy! It's been just about a month and what a month it has been. I have been coordinating an office move and it has been crazy! I've been thinking about you a lot today (well I think about you a lot every day, but today even more that normal) so I thought I would write you a letter. Sunday we were at church and someone gave even more baby hats to us for "Aaron's Angels". This is something your cousin Tracey started. People knit preemie hats and turn them into us and we send them to various hospitals with a letter saying that we do this in memory of you. I am still learning how to knit and will probably be learning how to finish the hats sometime this week! We have sent out a batch to Bryn Mawr hospital and another one to a hospital in Erie because Grandma Pam works with a man whose daughter had a premature baby, so we sent some to that baby girl and a bunch to that hospital. Lately I have been seeing so many little boys that are probably just ar...

As I was driving to get my hair cut last night, I passed a young boy walking on the sidewalk. He couldn't have been more than 8 years old. Maybe 9. In his arms was a baby carrier, and in that baby carrier was a young, young baby. This 8-9 year old was struggling to keep this baby carrier from crashing to the ground. In the short time I was waiting at the light, and driving past him, he set the baby carrier down twice, attempting to get a better grip. The mother was no where to be seen. Neither was the father. Or any adult, for that matter. Should I have stopped, and helped this boy carry the baby carrier to wherever his destination was? Probably. But, the sensible, afraid part of me spoke up and said "and what do you do if the mother steps out of that nearby house and starts yelling at you for trying to take her baby? What do you do then?" I drove on by. It was just another example of the injustice that exists in the world. Parents who are so irresponsible ...

...I had a wonderful dream last night. Not of Aaron, unfortunately, but of his younger brother. I dreamt that DrummerWife gave birth to our second child, another boy, and waking from that dream was simultaneously a happy thing, and a sad thing. While our second child could never replace Aaron, not even in my dreams, it was just such a happy dream. Now, if only I could remember this dream second child's name...

Dear Aaron, Hi peanut! How are you? I am having a bit of a rough day today so I thought I would write you a letter. I'm telling you what, I think there is just something about Holidays. Tomorrow is the Fourth of July just a nice kind of laid back holiday, but I still can't help but think of what we would be doing with you. Daddy and I are going to a baseball game and you could have come with us. I would love to see what your reaction would be to fireworks. Would you sleep through them, watch them, or cry through them? I am sure I would have found you just the cutest red, white and blue outfit. Daddy and I will both be off work so we would have found something fun to do. This was also our first holiday without you last year. I am not sure what we did. I would imagine not a whole lot. At this point last year I think we pretty much tried to just make it through the day. I know that after the fourth last year is when I started working again last year. I went back a l...

Dear Aaron, Hi peanut! I know I have not written to you (on here anyway) for about a month. This past month has gone incredibly quickly. I think that May was a very slow moving month for me and now it just feels like June is flying by. This summer is much different than last year. We didn't do much of ANYTHING last summer after about mid-June. I mean we went to the beach right after the funeral, but that afer that daddy and I just kind of did whatever we could to get by day to day. This year we can tell that we are healing. I am playing in the pit orchestra for a musical this summer and we're keeping busy. I am glad to know that we are healing, but at the same time it does make me sad sometimes. I have felt sad for so long that the healing that is taking place just does not feel normal (but I am adjusting). The one thing that is nice is that some of the sad memories are kind of being replaced by happier ones. I was thinking the other night about nights when Nurse He...

I saw Josh's last post and got a little sad. I am not sure I am willing to let this site just go away...not yet anyway. I have actually been writing letters to Aaron on a (mostly) weekly basis. I just have not been posting them. For some reason when a year came (and went) I just figured people might be tired of it or sometimes I felt like it was expected. It was SO healing for me to write letters and share them with you all. Your comments are always so nice to read as well...like I said I figured at the one year mark we were kind of expected to get over it. After a couple recent conversations I have had with my mother, mother-in-law and Josh I realize that this is not the case. I would like to keep posting. I don't think it will be every week, maybe not even every other. But It will probably still be a couple times a month. I also appreciate the support and all the continued support. We are healing and it is good, but sometimes healing can be a bit scary as well. I...

Well, if there's anyone out there still reading this after nearly one month of BoYS silence...Hi. We're still alive. Everything is good. If you're wondering why there hasn't been any posts from either DrummerWife or myself in the last several weeks, well, the answer is pretty simple: there haven't NEEDED to be any posts from DrummerWife or myself. We're doing well. Life's not perfect, but it's better. We're healing. A big thank-you to everyone who's been there for us in thought, word, or deed in the last year+. I don't know if there will ever be another post here at Baby On Your Six, or if there will be an occasion that warrants another post. But thank you for being here with us since this whole ride started. :)

One whole year. It's amazing that it's been a full year without you, Aaron. At 12:44, one year ago today, your tiny heart that struggled so much to beat under all the fluid you had retained since your surgery almost 2 weeks earlier, finally stopped. You were in your mother's arms at that moment. I was bent over you, sobbing, with so much of your family gathered around, sending you off. I know it's probably hard to believe, but the morning you died contained both the single worst, and greatest moments of my life. We lost you, but when you squeezed my finger that morning, right after I told you I loved you, I was so elated. That squeeze had purpose, and meaning, and I don't care what anyone says - you were responding to me. I know in my heart that if you could have spoken in that moment you would have. But since you couldn't, you squeezed my finger twice to say "I love you too, Dad." Since that day, your mother and I have struggled very hard with...

At some point today, you will all be hearing from both Josh and I, Josh said he'd be posting later. But here is my take on what today is, in normal fashion I feel best writing a letter to Aaron... Dear Aaron, It's been a year now...a whole year. I am still not sure how I feel about today. Sometimes I am relieved...relieved we have made it through the "firsts" of everything. But sometimes my heart breaks that we have done the same. In counseling daddy and I were told that for some reason after that one year mark things don't hurt quite as much, but sometimes that hurt it the biggest reminder I have of you. I like to do happy things to remember you to, but I worry that now as one year passes memories will fade. The memories of today are so crisp in my mind, so are the memories of yesterday. Yesterday marks the one year anniversary of one of the best days we had with you...today the worst. I can see daddy and I walking into the hospital and having the conve...